Whoa, Nelly! Shove a Twinkie in Your Belly 'Cuz it's DEAR APRON TIME!

Welcome to the DEAR APRON column, where I take letters written into Dear Abby, and put my own unique, abusive, unorthodox and decidedly unhelpful spin on things. Enjoy!

DEAR APRON: I have an embarrassing dilemma. I have a baby with a man I am no longer with. Our romance ended before I knew I was pregnant. He is not in our lives anymore -- his decision. I have moved on and am now in a solid, loving relationship.

My problem is my OB/GYN has always been under the impression that my child's biological father and I are together and that we're married. The father attended some of the obstetrical appointments with me and was even there for the birth.

When my doctor initially referred to him as "my husband," I didn't correct him because I didn't feel I needed to spill the beans about such a personal issue. But now when I go for my annual examinations, he always asks me how "my husband" is. I feel it's too late to say, "Oh, by the way, he was never my husband" since I didn't correct him to begin with.

I need a graceful way to finally tell my doctor that we were never married, especially since I am now involved with a different man whom I plan on marrying and will eventually have another child with. Please help me find the words. -- STUCK -- DOWN SOUTH

DEAR STUCK -- DOWN SOUTH,

The baby's father is your brother, isn't it?

Come on, don't fuck with me, Beulah. That's the real reason why you didn't want to say anything to your OB/GYN, isn't it?

Look-- it may be 2009, but it's still "Down South," n'yah mean? What's the big deal? Your OB/GYN wouldn't mind or be critical of your decision to have your brother Enus sire your baby. It's all good in the hood. Besides, I'm sure your OB/GYN realized something was up when your baby was born with toenails for eyelids.

But, hey, if you're still feeling really weird about it, the next time that white-coat asks you how your husband's doing, just say, "Him? He's dead."

Lastly, my best wishes to you, the baby, and your uncle. I hope you will all be very happy together.

DEAR APRON: We are hoping you can settle a small dispute. My husband and I have a soon-to-be 2-year-old. Her birthday is next month, and we will be celebrating at a local park with lots of kids from work and day care.

Is it OK to offer beer and wine to the parents? The park officials have no issue with it. There is an alcohol permit to sign, which includes no hard liquor and no drinks to be taken off premises. We will abide by park rules. We just want to know -- is it OK to have alcohol at a child's birthday party? We will wait to see what you have to say. -- PARTY PLANNER IN COLORADO

DEAR PARTY PLANNER:

Absolutely! I cannot imagine a better scenario than a bunch of toddlers be-bopping around a public place with playground equipment, monkey bars, and possibly a small creek all while being observed by a bunch of inebriated, cavorting adults!

Tap that keg!

And I mean, heck, why stop at simple alcohol? I would certainly check out the local 4am streetcorners to see if some blow or E could be obtained for this festive event. While you're out shopping, make sure to stop by 7-Eleven to pick up some condoms so the couples can engage in some safe wife-swapping in the bushes while the kiddos choke on their hot-dogs.

To finish off the event just right, why not pull out some 9mm handguns and shoot apples off the birthday boy's head?

This sounds like some party-- don't forget to send me the E-vite!

DEAR APRON: Is it now acceptable to clip one's fingernails in the workplace?

I work in an office with cubicles, and I hear some of my co-workers (mainly men) clipping their nails! Isn't this a task that should be performed in one's bathroom at home? Am I the only person who thinks this is gross? -- GROSSED OUT IN RICHMOND, TEXAS

DEAR GROSSED OUT:

Yes, you are the only person who thinks this is gross. Isn't it great to be unique?

Now go fuck yourself while I put my fingernail clippings in your coffee cup and rub my crusty asshole all over your cubicle.