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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Supercircumcise Me

You may have missed the news of the recent debate that's flaring up around circumcision these days, since the Today Show has apparently been bought out by Michael Jackson Television Enterprises, Ltd.

Apparently, the CDC is considering recommending that all male babies be circumcized in an effort to combat HIV. In studies conducted in African countries, rates of HIV infections amongst circumcised, heterosexual men went down by as much as 50% and, in Kenya and Uganda specifically, the rate of infection dropped by 60% for that same trimmed population.

The theory is that the muscosal tissue in uncircumcised men, which, as we all learned in 10th grade health class, is coated in a filmy substance delightfully called "smegma," is more prone to infection by the virus. Anecdotal evidence from studies in America shows a higher rate of other STDs like syphilis and herpes in uncircumcised men.

Of course, this, like any other scientific finding, has slackjawed hooligans down South up in arms. The group "Intact America" has rented mobile billboards railing against the findings in the report that hasn't even been released yet, as well as declamations against the advisory that hasn't even been made yet.

Their website is pretty funny. It's not as funny as "My Masonic Apron" but I'd still suggest a visit. Why not head there now? I highly recommend the "10 Reasons NOT To Circumcise Your Baby."

In fact, let's address their statements, in true "Dear Apron" Style, one by one.

1.) Because there is no medical reason for "routine" circumcision of baby boys.

Right. Except that, apparently, it decreases the risk of HIV infection.

2.) Because the foreskin is not a birth defect.

Right. But, neither are the appendix, wisdom teeth, or tonsils. In their brief paragraph under number two, they also cite the foreskin's role in pleasurable sex, stating that it has "natural gliding and lubricating functions." Right. That's called "smegma" and that's nasty.

3.) Because you wouldn't circumcise your baby girl.

Right. I also wouldn't stick my hand in an active garbage disposal or Gorilla Glue my eyelids shut or take a shit inside my parent's car. There are a lot of things I wouldn't do-- what does that have to do with circumcision of a male child?

4.) Because your baby does not want to be circumcised.

Oh! I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me. Now, does my baby want formula or breast milk? I'm dying to know.

5.) Because removing part of your baby's penis is painful, risky and harmful.

Right. And so are vaccinations, but I think I'm still going to go that route.

6.) Because times and attitudes have changed.

Right. And everything people believe now is correct, like that Miley Cyrus is talented and that George Bush, Jr. isn't a war criminal.

7.) Because most medically-advanced nations (Europe, Asia, Latin America) do not circumcise baby boys.

Wait a minute-- Europe, Asia and Latin America are nations? Wow. My geography is all messed up. I'm glad I went to this site! So informative!

8.) Because caring for and cleaning the foreskin is easy.

Right-- it's just like washing a baby elephant's trunk that's been dipped in Elmer's glue.

9.) Because circumcision does not prevent HIV or other diseases.

Right-- it just decreases the risk of infection. And why would anybody want to do that? The misinformation being spread by the CDC must just be an effort to convert every hayseed and lumberjack in America to Judaism. Next they'll start enforcing compulsory Bar Mitzvahs for every thirteen year old boy in Kentucky.

10.) Because children should be protected from permanent bodily alteration inflicted on them without their consent in the name of culture, religion, profit, or parental preference.

Right. You're right. We, as educated, well-informed parents shouldn't be able to do anything to our childen until they're old enough to consent, including vaccinate them against potentially fatal diseases, take them to the doctor, clothe, feed, burp, bathe, or diaper them. We should not be permitted to raise them in a faith until they are old enough to decide whether or not they want to be a part of that faith, we should not enroll them in any school until they can make an informed decision for themselves, and we certainly shouldn't look at them either, being careful to avert our gaze at all times until they are at least twenty-one and can decide if eye-contact is appropriate.

By the way-- I do agree with Intact America about one thing, children should be protected from being circumcised in the name of profit. I mean, if I find out that my parents made a fucking dime off my circumcision, I'm going to sue them.

Of course, Intact America doesn't seem to have a problem with profiting themselves-- you can make a donation in any amount on their website. And why stop there? While you've got your Visa out, you can purchase any number of insane products at their online giftshop including a "Whole & Happy" teddy bear or a "Stop Genital Mutilation" bumper-sticker to slap on the back of your car.

$29.69 for a pack of 10.


  1. "Because children should be protected from permanent bodily alteration inflicted on them without their consent in the name of culture, religion, profit, or parental preference."

    I like this one. I wonder why there hasn't been an outcry about the folks jamming pierced earrings into the lobes of neonates without anaesthetic in the name of "permanent bodily alteration".

  2. I love number 7.

    Everybody KNOWS that the best place to get a medical procedure performed is Latin Amer...hahah. Sorry, I couldn't even write that without laughing.

    "Intact America" sounds like a bunch of D-bags who still think the earth is flat and that people were alive in the time of dinosaurs.

  3. #4is awesome!! babies don't like baths either. let's start an Stank Up America watchdog group too

  4. Thanks for opening the son is now 9 and I had a hard time deciding what to do..his dad wanted him circumcised and I really didn't think it was any big deal....till the nurse asked me to sign a form consenting to it. Then I was like...whoa.

    My OB said listen, I have a modified procedure I do, which is to slit the foreskin a bit which allows it to grow back away from the head of the penis..essentially, the baby grows out of the foreskin. She said it is more sanitary for the children. So I said okay, that's a compromise I can live with. Plus I wanted him to get mad leg later on in life. But 100% certain it was the "right" thing to do? No.

    I do find it interesting that you brought up female circumcision. The tribes that practice "female circumcision" actually REMOVE the clitoris, as opposed to removing the hood, which would equate to male cirumcision and create a more sesitive genital area. REMOVING it removes a woman's capacity for clitoral pleasure. Also, they SEW SHUT the labia minora WITH THORNS AND TWINE made from fibers from vines. Yeah. not exactly the same thing as removing/modifying the hood which covers the head of the penis.

    Hmmm. Maybe with all the problems average women have with reaching orgasm with a partner, perhaps starting a movement to remove/modify the clit hood at birth might actually do us a solid in later life.

    Equality now. (Just kidding folks...or not)

    -Alyxherself posting a anonnymouse cuz i am lame and have no url.

  5. my boys arent circumcized. They are fine. The doctor said to me as we gazed down at the first boy..So do you want a circumcision. I said (eloquently) uh ur.. Then he said "Is the dad circumcized?".. i said uh ur.. jk! I said no and he said there ya go! Like father like son and thats how THAT ended. ha. As for HIV.. wear a condom no matter if you are snipped OR NOT.

  6. As a woman, if I have a son, that shiz will be snipped. Because I KNOW how we feel about the ones that aren't...

  7. we didn't get my boys circumcised at birth. i couldn't even find anyone to talk to about it with my first! and i did ask...
    so 21/2 years go by, i have another son. just after this my first starts having problems. his foreskin would swell up every time he went to pee and then he started getting urinary tract infections. can you imagine what it's like to try and get a not quite 3 year old to pee? he would run around and drive himself crazy because of the pain! i would have to fill a bathtub, and dunk his feet in it while holding onto him and him fighting me and screaming bloody murder at the same time! such a hard thing to do! so it's determined that yes he should be snipped. then it turns out that my second starts having the same issues too. man! that was a year for penis surgeries! my oldest and youngest son circumcised and my husband's vasectomy...
    the surgery would have been much simpler and less traumatic (and less costly- $150 at birth vs. $1500 to get my second son done if done as elective surgery. although that would have saved him a bunch of pain too) if it had been done at birth. my oldest still refers to that time as the time he got his penis cut off.

  8. Really didn't need the baby-elephant-trunk-covered-in-glue imagery, Apron... really.


  9. to each his own I guess, but to me foreskin is disgusting and ultimately should be one of those rare decisions in marriage where the fathers opinion is taken into consideration with greater weight. He knows what it's like to walk around with one of those two options for the rest of his life

    And Mr. Apron you can take a shit in the back of my car any day.

  10. of course I live in the city and by "car" I mean "subway car" so...take a number.

  11. im glad adam clarified the shitting in the car-i was worried. but completely agree with him. i'd have to leave that decision up to the dad. although when i first saw an uncircumcised penee i was really scared! and this guy had no idea you were suppose to clean behind the foreskin.
    if its so "easy" to clean, then that needs to be something parents are teaching their uncircumed boys...and apparently they aren't

    ill stick with shelley and ALWAYS use a condom


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