Supercircumcise Me

You may have missed the news of the recent debate that's flaring up around circumcision these days, since the Today Show has apparently been bought out by Michael Jackson Television Enterprises, Ltd.

Apparently, the CDC is considering recommending that all male babies be circumcized in an effort to combat HIV. In studies conducted in African countries, rates of HIV infections amongst circumcised, heterosexual men went down by as much as 50% and, in Kenya and Uganda specifically, the rate of infection dropped by 60% for that same trimmed population.

The theory is that the muscosal tissue in uncircumcised men, which, as we all learned in 10th grade health class, is coated in a filmy substance delightfully called "smegma," is more prone to infection by the virus. Anecdotal evidence from studies in America shows a higher rate of other STDs like syphilis and herpes in uncircumcised men.

Of course, this, like any other scientific finding, has slackjawed hooligans down South up in arms. The group "Intact America" has rented mobile billboards railing against the findings in the report that hasn't even been released yet, as well as declamations against the advisory that hasn't even been made yet.

Their website is pretty funny. It's not as funny as "My Masonic Apron" but I'd still suggest a visit. Why not head there now? I highly recommend the "10 Reasons NOT To Circumcise Your Baby."

In fact, let's address their statements, in true "Dear Apron" Style, one by one.

1.) Because there is no medical reason for "routine" circumcision of baby boys.

Right. Except that, apparently, it decreases the risk of HIV infection.

2.) Because the foreskin is not a birth defect.

Right. But, neither are the appendix, wisdom teeth, or tonsils. In their brief paragraph under number two, they also cite the foreskin's role in pleasurable sex, stating that it has "natural gliding and lubricating functions." Right. That's called "smegma" and that's nasty.

3.) Because you wouldn't circumcise your baby girl.

Right. I also wouldn't stick my hand in an active garbage disposal or Gorilla Glue my eyelids shut or take a shit inside my parent's car. There are a lot of things I wouldn't do-- what does that have to do with circumcision of a male child?

4.) Because your baby does not want to be circumcised.

Oh! I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me. Now, does my baby want formula or breast milk? I'm dying to know.

5.) Because removing part of your baby's penis is painful, risky and harmful.

Right. And so are vaccinations, but I think I'm still going to go that route.

6.) Because times and attitudes have changed.

Right. And everything people believe now is correct, like that Miley Cyrus is talented and that George Bush, Jr. isn't a war criminal.

7.) Because most medically-advanced nations (Europe, Asia, Latin America) do not circumcise baby boys.

Wait a minute-- Europe, Asia and Latin America are nations? Wow. My geography is all messed up. I'm glad I went to this site! So informative!

8.) Because caring for and cleaning the foreskin is easy.

Right-- it's just like washing a baby elephant's trunk that's been dipped in Elmer's glue.

9.) Because circumcision does not prevent HIV or other diseases.

Right-- it just decreases the risk of infection. And why would anybody want to do that? The misinformation being spread by the CDC must just be an effort to convert every hayseed and lumberjack in America to Judaism. Next they'll start enforcing compulsory Bar Mitzvahs for every thirteen year old boy in Kentucky.

10.) Because children should be protected from permanent bodily alteration inflicted on them without their consent in the name of culture, religion, profit, or parental preference.

Right. You're right. We, as educated, well-informed parents shouldn't be able to do anything to our childen until they're old enough to consent, including vaccinate them against potentially fatal diseases, take them to the doctor, clothe, feed, burp, bathe, or diaper them. We should not be permitted to raise them in a faith until they are old enough to decide whether or not they want to be a part of that faith, we should not enroll them in any school until they can make an informed decision for themselves, and we certainly shouldn't look at them either, being careful to avert our gaze at all times until they are at least twenty-one and can decide if eye-contact is appropriate.

By the way-- I do agree with Intact America about one thing, children should be protected from being circumcised in the name of profit. I mean, if I find out that my parents made a fucking dime off my circumcision, I'm going to sue them.

Of course, Intact America doesn't seem to have a problem with profiting themselves-- you can make a donation in any amount on their website. And why stop there? While you've got your Visa out, you can purchase any number of insane products at their online giftshop including a "Whole & Happy" teddy bear or a "Stop Genital Mutilation" bumper-sticker to slap on the back of your car.

$29.69 for a pack of 10.