An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Big News From the Auto World

You may have missed this latest news story from the world of automobilia. That's understandable as there has been a lot of news lately stemming from automobiles, both their manufacture and their sales.

We've got a lot of headlines emanating lately from the world of hybrid and/or electric cars-- the pleasant newbie the Honda Insight is competing feverishly with the third generation Toyota Prius for the hybrid hearts and minds of America. Chevrolet is still promising us the Volt, but it remains to be seen if it will deliver in time to save the planet. Gasoline and crude oil prices are fluctuating with all the haphazard unpredictability of a crack addict. Saab has just been sold. Chrysler is going to be building Fiat's pint-sized 500 in Mexico. Ford is breaking out the pinatas as it plans to revive the Fiesta. And, of course, there's still cash for clunkers, though you'd probably be better off selling your 1995 Chevrolet Caprice on Ebaymotors the way things are going with government funding.

And so, with so much car-related news out there to assimilate and digest, it's completely forgivable that you didn't catch the latest headline to come out of the car world. Well, that's what I'm here for-- to bring you up to speed. And it's good you're here, because this isn't an article you could read in U.S. News & World Report, Car & Driver or even Peugeot Station Wagon Quarterly. No, this is only a piece you can read about on My Masonic Apron which, of course, is Your Masonic Apron, too. Here's the news:


That's right, folks. You heard it here first. Now go Twitter your friends' tussies and tell them.

Here's the full report:

AP Wire Service - Since 1972, when General Motors began outfitting their Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham sedans with tufted, crushed velour seats, and speedometers that topped out at 85mph, the Cadillac has officially been the slowest-moving vehicle on the streets of America. The Cadillac's propensity to be driven by elderly widows and widowers at an average speed of 13 miles-per-hour below any posted speed limit has been unmatched by any other vehicle, not even the Lincoln Town Car, which has consistently come in a distant second place in clinical trials since 1984. The Cadillac, it seemed, would forever remain the barge of the road.

But all that is changing.

According to research statistics from the University of Georgia's Vehicle Dynamics Division report issued Thursday, data analyzed from traffic cameras, state police speed radar and VASCAR data, driver input and research gathered from 4500 American cities and towns, the Toyota Camry has officially overtaken all Cadillac products as the slowest moving vehicle in the United States. Professor Edwin S. Van Hooten explains the significance of this study's outcome,

"The importance of this finding cannot be overstated-- or understated, for that matter. This is the first time in America's history that a foreign car has attained the distinction of being the car that is driven the slowest on virtually every street in America. Our researchers were simply stunned at this outcome-- why, do you realize that, even in Pompano Beach, where the Cadillac Sedan DeVille and the Seville have been almost completely unchallenged in the realm of slowness, the Camry came in a shocking 4.7 miles slower, on average, than either of those Cadillacs. The Camry even ranked slower than Cadillac hearses actively engaged in funeral processions."

The Toyota Camry was also found to be 7 times as likely to be driven straight for an extended period of time with its left turn signal blinking than any Cadillac vehicle, surprising the University of Georgia researchers, and many police officers.

"Well, when I heard that statistic, that just blew me away," said Cpl. Thomas Phillips of the Clagmore County, TX Sheriff's Department. "Whenever we needed more money to fund vests or new radios or whatever, I used to just park on the side of the road and wait for a Cadillac to come lumbering down with its blinker on for no reason-- we made quota in two weeks. Now, though, it's a different story. I've nailed sixteen Camry drivers for that in just two days. Now that's mad money, baby. We're building an addition onto the squad house and all the patrol units are going to be housed in a heated garage!"

Salesmen at Toyota dealerships across the country do not seem altogether surprised by this new research finding. Car salesman Chet Atkins of Minasquea Toyota in Iowa speaks bluntly,

"Look, I haven't sold a Camry to someone whose hairline wasn't receeding or their pants weren't full of dookie yet. These Hermans and Hagithas just ain't spending the dough on a Cad anymore. Grampie's 401-K's gone like yesterday's Cracklin' Oat Bran. They want a silver Cam with gray interior, and I've got forty-six of them. Come 'an get 'em, pops."

Indeed, evidence accrued by the University of Georgia study seems to support Atkins' anecdotal claim: the number of car-buyers opting for the Toyota Camry fall into the 68-92 year-old-age bracket. In independent surveys, 87% of Camary buyers stated that Calvin Coolidge was the last American president they trusted, 75% reported that they could no longer velcro their own shoes, and an overwhelming majority of Camry owners, 94%, stated that there were "too many lumps in their oatmeal."

No comments:

Post a Comment

Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!