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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An Open Letter to Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House

Dear Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House,

Where the fuck are you?

Our first monthly payment for the new Honda Fit that my wife is so enjoying is due on the 23rd, and I cannot find the paperwork for the sale of the car. You, Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House, are that paperwork, and I would like to find you so I know how much money to give the mean bankie peoples.

I know you're in a blue folder, but that doesn't help me much.

I did find one blue folder, but its contents were prototypes for our wedding invitations, and that was, like, three years ago and stuff.

Those were important documents then, and they still are kind of important, but, right at this current moment, the vehicle sale documents with the monthly payment amount are a little more important.

So, I once again reiterate my interrogative statement issued at the start of this letter:

Where the fuck are you?

Are you hiding in the basement, perhaps thrown down there by in the hasty attempt to make this house presentable for my mother-in-law? Perhaps you are lingering coquettishly under the mountains of fabric and stuffed animals that are piled up like the Leaning Tower of Pisa in our office.

Maybe. I don't know.

It is distinctly possible that I deliberately placed you somewhere specific, to avoid this very dilemma, but, if that is so, I have no recollection of so doing, which is very inconvenient. I realize that I should probably be spending more time looking for these papers and less time writing an open letter to them, but I don't feel great, and writing open letters exerts a lot less energy than physically moving things and sifting through endless mounds of crap that I've already looked through seven times.

I also realize that I could just call the bank and see how much we owe, and will most likely end up doing that, but I would really like to find those Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House, just as a matter of personal pride, really. I would check the filing cabinet, but there's really no point. Why would they be in there?

Incidentally, have you seen our new boxes of checks? I know we ordered 300 checks in late July because we ran out and realized we needed one to pay the mortgage, and that was kind of a frantic little problem.

"Oh, no problem," I said to my wife, "we'll just go to our bank and they'll issue a temporary check."

Yeah, our bank doesn't do that apparently.

So, Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House, I'd like to know where those checks are, so I can pay the real estate taxes and the water bill. Oh, and the car payment, once I figure out how fucking much that sumbitch is.

I wish things like this wouldn't keep hiding from me. Last month, when we were thinking of going to Canada, I was almost compelled to write an open letter to our passports, but my wife located them before it came to that.

So listen, Important Documents That Are Somewhere In My House, you cannot hide from me forever. I know that. I can wait you out. I've got an endless supply of Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Boca Burgers and Newman-O's. What the fuck do you have?

I mean, besides information that I desperately need.

And my blue folder.


  1. ha.. I hear ya.. I cant find my prescription for my glasses. Put them on the comp table and now POOF.. all gone.

  2. After reading every one of your posts I say to myself, self: "I think that mr. apron should write a book because his writting skills are fantastic!"
    I enjoy reading each and every one. On a side note, which province were you planning on visiting? (I live in Manitoba, so was midly interested).

  3. Autumn,

    Thanks so much for the kind words! Your sentiments are not entirely shared by the vast majority of literary agents in this country.

    We were planning on visiting Halifax, however, the auto-ferry was way too expensive, and I'm too jumpy to fly, so we're just going to Maine instead. BOO!

    Thanks so much for reading.

  4. I would love to go to Maine, I hear it's really nice there. I live in Manitoba btw..nothing too exciting here, don't visit it lol.

  5. hmm..didn't notice that I told you I lived in Manitoba in the previous post...disregard.

  6. Call the bank. Re: the checks; worst case you go down to the post office with your debit card, get postal money orders, and send those in.


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