You So Sexy...

Sex makes people bananas.

(See what I did there?)

Some people have sex with bananas.

I wonder how the bananas feel about that. I wonder how I'd feel about that if I were a banana. Would I like it, or would I be all like, "Hey-- this isn't how it's supposed to be for me. If I'm going somewhere wet and warm, why is my peel still on?"

Mrs. Apron and I were watching an episode of "Teen Mom 2" (hey-- nobody's perfect) and the shithead Adam is like, "Hey, everybody cheats. I only cheated on you, like, five times. That's not a lot."

Clearly, this is young man who has been made bananas by sex. Clearly, this is also a young man who ought to be forced to have sex with an armor-plated banana.

Everybody finds different things sexy. Of course, there are some things that I think are probably universal-- like, um, hot chick in a white tank-top with the nipples poking through the thin fabric. This is probably the one time that I appreciate GAP and Old Navy for making poorly-constructed, paper-thin clothing. I can't imagine that there isn't a man alive who doesn't appreciate the inherent virtues of the gauzy tank-top-wearing attractive female.

Nipples. They're kind of funny if you think about them too much. But I still find them sexy, and probably think about them too much, which just goes to show you that things can still be sexy even if they're a little bit funny and are consequently thought about too much.

Then there are things that I'm not sure are so universally observed to be sexy. Like boots, for example. There are guys who go absolutely bonkers over a girl who is clad in some extreme-looking boots. The higher up the boots go, the more intense the heel, the more zippers and buckles there are the better. To me, I don't know what's so sexy about a chick who, from the knees down resembles like a New Jersey State Trooper. Maybe it's that whole Jewish/Gestapo thing, but I'm thoroughly uninterested in that.

Dirty-talk is often thought to be sexy, a real turn on. "I'm gonna fuck you till the cum spurts out of my pores," or whatever scintillating sentiment your copulatory partner might dream up to say. I kind of just find dirty-talk funny, and the risk of laughing during such an event would probably be the termination of sexy-times. In pornographic entertainment, I find dirty-talk absolutely pathetic, and immediately cease viewing anything where a woman attempts to be sexy by engaging in the dirty-talk business. It just sounds awful. I mean, I'm not asking for the late Harold Pinter to come back from the dead and start writing porn dialogue, but seriously. A little quality wouldn't kill anybody.

It might even make it sexier. If, you know, you find that sexy to begin with.

I can remember back in high school, the heady days of exploring my burgeoning sexuality and the base of my shaft. I had a dear old friend with whom I spent a significant amount of time, and we were very close. But not, you know, like that. Of course, because I was always "too good a friend."

Vom.

Anyway, my friend one day developed bronchitis and I called her to see how she was doing. She answered the phone in a raspy, throaty voice and, after several minutes or so of chatting with her while she was probably lying on the floor of her bedroom in agony, I began to get aroused.

"Hey," I said nonchalantly, "would you mind saying, 'I want to ride you like a bucking bronco?'"

After she got done laughing, which sounded a lot like what George Burns sounded like when laughing, she said it.

It was everything I thought it would be. It was then that I realized that I found sick women sexy. Interpret at will.

Lots of guys think that chicks sucking on certain food objects is sexy. You know, like lollipops or ice-pops-- anything really with the word "pop" in it, I guess. Except popcorn. Girls don't look particularly sexy while eating popcorn-- unless they're doing it whilst wearing a revealing tank-top, that is. Or boots, if you have a thing about State Troopers or SS officials. I can remember one time my wife was sitting across the kitchen table from me working on a pickle. It was rather chilly and she happened to be wearing a thick wool cape that her uncle had purchased for her and she was rather enthusiastically attempting to make the pickle devoid of auxiliary pickle juice by inserting said green, bumpy object into her mouth, removing it, and repeating the process. Taking it out of her mouth, she inquired,

"Do you find this sexy?"

"Nope," I said, "it's not sexy, because you look like a super-hero blowing Kermit the Frog."