Well, Green My Beer and Call Me a Feckin' Queer, It's... DEAR APRON!

On this, the blessed Day After St. Patrick's Day, also known as Holy Hangover Day, I thought it fitting that, after a harrowing day spent avoiding running over falling-down-drunk college students in green t-shirts rolling into the middle of the street, that you might like to kick back in your sunglasses, relax with your Alka Seltzer, and enjoy reading about some more assholes behaving badly in another quite sober edition of...

DEAR APRON:

What do you do when your future in-laws tell other relatives that they intend to ruin your upcoming wedding? They are upset because they were not included in the wedding party. My future mother-in-law let it be known she's dressing up like a hooker!

I have family members who are police officers coming to the wedding. The only idea I can come up with to prevent it is to ask them to guard the door of the church, and if need be, escort these unruly people out before they can raise a ruckus.
As you might have gathered, my fiance's parents don't want me to marry their son. -- ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

DEAR ON THE VERGE:

Hooker Mother-in-Law? Cops putting drunk-o's in headlocks? This wedding sounds FUCKING AWESOME! Where's my invitation? I'll take the pork option, please. Mrs. A's a vegetarian. But no red sauce on the pasta for her. (She's got a touch of the GERD.)

Anyway, I'm not even really sure about what your question was-- what do you do in a situation like this? Only one thing to do: RECORD IT. Every second of it. Trust me, it'll put those douchebags who choreographed that dance down the aisle shit I saw on the Today Show seventy-seven times to shame.

DEAR APRON:

At a cocktail party last night, the hostess handed me a glass of wine. When I started to take a sip, I noticed the glass was filthy. My immediate reaction was, "Alcohol kills germs." But the thought of putting the glass to my mouth was distasteful, so I told her the wine was "too sweet for my taste." She then handed me another glass of wine, and that one was as dirty as the first! How should I have handled it? -- NOT CRYSTAL CLEAR IN WISCONSIN

DEAR NOT CRYSTAL LIGHT:

I think it's wonderful that your first reaction to taking a sip from a "filthy" wine glass was "Alcohol kills germs." That is... it's just classic is what it is. To me, that's like watching "The Godfather, Part III" and saying, "Well, she may be a horseshit actress, but I'll be Talia Shire looked pretty decent naked in 1990."

Strange the way we comfort ourselves, isn't it?

As far as how to handle your delicate situation involving mung-encrusted stemware, I would just say, "Oh, I'm so sorry-- both of these glasses appear to be dirty and, normally I wouldn't be so gauche as to say something, but the last time someone offered me wine out of a dirty glass I wound up pregnant and woke up two days later to find my pubes were dyed with orange Kool-Aid."

DEAR APRON:

I work in a large department store attached to a shopping mall. Because many of the stores have no restrooms, customers come into our store to use the facilities. I'm happy they do because it gives us more business. However, I'm confused by some of the patrons.

I think it shows good manners to end a cell phone call when visiting a restroom. While I was in there today, a woman entered the stall next to me and continued talking on her phone the entire time she was in there! It's disgusting, but it happens all the time. I'm uncomfortable using the restroom while someone is on the phone, and I'd be very offended if I was on the other end of the line.

What's proper etiquette regarding cell phones in public restrooms? Is there anything I could say to someone who does this? -- TRYING TO DO MY BUSINESS

DEAR TRYING TO DO MY BUSINESS:

Wait-- now I'm confused. Whose business is it that's being done? Is it your business or my business? Oh, excuse me, I have to make a phone call...

Hey, lighten up, Toots. It's the modern age, you know? People are going to tapdance on that line of decency and, really, who are we to say what's inappropriate and what's not when, really, cellphone technology is a burgeoning industry? We're all just trying to figure everything out. Look, as long as the chick isn't doing the front-to-back with her cellphone and then wiping it on your face, I think we're okay.

Hey-- I just realized that I use the word "burgeoning" a lot on this blog. Sorry. That must be really fucking annoying.