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Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tase of Our Lives

Sometimes, in the midst of all the reality TV and coupon circulars and porn that swirls around my life, in spite of all the inane thoughts that run through my head and the retarded noises I make at my dogs, every now and then I will catch myself getting sort of philosophical.


I think about life, and death, and everything in between. As Private Willis sings in the opening of Act II of Iolanthe,

"I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you."

Why only the other day I thought of something dead smart, but I don't remember what it was. The brain's tip-top, it's the memory that's shot.

One of the philosophical questions that I was mulling over recently had to do with matters of personal protection, as pretains to the ever-popular (except when there's a shooting and somebody "innocent" gets killed) 2nd Amendment. It reads something like this:

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

That's the version passed by Congress. The one ratified by the States is exactly the same text, but different words are capitalized, because that's Funny.

So, I was thinking to myself, "If people are allowed to legally purchase firearms, ostensibly for home protection, why aren't civilians allowed to buy Tasers?"

Turns out, as usual, I spoke too soon.

They are.

Or, ought I to say, "we" (the people) are.

Ladies and gentlepricks, allow me to be the one to introduce you, gape-mouthed as I'm sure you are, to iTaser (, which is the civilian, personal self-defense portion of the Taser Corporation's website.

Want to protect yourself from the ski-masked attackers of the world? Folks, the Taser C2 has arrived.

In gobs of cool colors, too!

Oooh! I wanna collect 'em all! Too bad the basic package is $379.99, or I totes would. I'm not sure I could pull off the Leopard print look, but I'd sure as shit try.

Now, if you'll permit a brief diversion while I comment on the whole color thing. Taser products utilized by police officers are usually bright safety yellow, which makes sense, so officers can distinguish the Taser product from the gun product rapidly in a stressful situation. But "Metallic Pink"? "Electric (haha) Blue"? Come on. We're really trying to cool-ify the Taser (like it isn't already cool enough, right?) like it's, I don't know... an iPhone skin?

Hey-- remember that ill-fated decision I made to blog about how pharmaceutical companies were trying to make Diabetes cool by offering snazzy-looking glucometers?

Yeeeeeeaah, lost a few readers with that one.

Anyway, getting back to lighting people up, if buying a gun really skeeves you out, you can purchase a Taser C2 for, as stated, around $380, or you can go for the Platinum Package, which gets you a choice of the aforementioned awesomeballs colors (the standard one only comes in black. Moo) with an integrated laser sight, and it also comes with...

• 1 Lithium Power Magazine Battery (Such batteries in Priuses are gay, in Tasers, they're awesome!)

• 1 Holster (looks just like a cellphone belt clip! Be careful, though, the last cellphone belt clip I had was defective, and my cellphone fell out of the back of it into the toilet! Blork!)

• 4 15' Live Cartridges (Four? Really? How many motherfuckers are we going to tase, bro?)

• 1 15' Training Cartridge (Ah, education. Excellent.)

• 1 Practice Target (Practice makes perfect!)

• 1 User Manual (Um, hell-ooooo: nobody reads those things.)

• 1 Training DVD (I would watch that if the instructor is a hot red-head who tases people.)

• 1 Registration Card (I refuse to fill out such a card on the grounds that I'm an American and don't have to.)

When I first learned that ordinary civilians could acquire Taser products (following a background check, which is, you know, nice) I thought to myself, "Well, if that decreases purchases of handguns and other lethal firearms, then I guess that's a good thing." Then it occurred to me that the type of person who would, most likely, purchase a Taser product for personal use is more likely than not to be the exact same person or type of person who would also purchase a firearm or firearms for the selfsame purpose. A collector, or "hobbyist," if you will.

The thought of young children finding their stupid parents' Taser C2s and tasing each other by accident (and middle and high school-age children doing it on purpose) just makes me sit and shake my head. What is the world coming to?

On the bright side, the Taser C2's long-lasting Lithium power magazine allows for over 50 uses, each charge delivering a 30-second-long jolt to your attacker. Just in case you're feeling especially philosophical.

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