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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Well, Steal My Milk Money and Call Me a Pussy-Burger, It's... DEAR APRON!

You know, I'm surprised I haven't gotten sued yet. It's a good thing I'm a big rich fucking Jew and everybody I know is a hook-nosed, greasy-haired laywer because there's just no stopping...


Our son has not spoken to us in 2 1/2 years. This isn't the first time it has happened. When we are asked how he and his family are doing and where they are living, we don't know how to respond. What do we say when meeting someone new and they ask whether we have children?

If we answer that we have one son, a number of questions are sure to follow for which we don't have answers. Can you offer some appropriate responses to these questions that don't require having to say, "We don't know"? -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN VIRGINIA


Gee, what a quaint conundrum. The way I see it, which is the only way that matters-- at least here, you have two options. 1.) Dishonesty, and 2.) Honesty. Because I'm strokin' the joystick here, let's take a little time and explore both.


1.) Dishonesty

I picked Dishonesty first because lying is always easier than telling the truth, no matter what your lawyer tells you. In fact, if he tells you the opposite, then he obviously isn't Jewish and you need to get yourself another lawyer.

When people ask you questions about your estranged son and his family, the easiest course of action is to just make up a litany of complete and utter balderdash lies. For example,

"Oh, Jim? He's fabulous! Yeah, he's Vice-President in charge of shipping and label-machine usage for a thermonucleardynamic underwear factory in Tulsa. His wife, Kathy-Lee is a washed-up television co-host who is marketing a new line of hypodermic snackfood. Their twins, Cody and Rody, are conjoined at the upper lip but are doing great in school and Cody made the Varsity soccer team! It's admittedly a little awkward for Rody when his lifeless body gets dragged up and down the field, and his limbs do tend to get in Cody's way, but they make the best of it! Their dog, Dexter, has HIV but his latest round of leisons are healing nicely. Cody and Rody love rubbing lemon salve on ol' Dex. Conchita, their maidservant, has a darling little figure and cleans house wearing the most delightful little green latex uniform with patent leather pasties. She's pregnant with Jim's latest and everybody's thrilled that the baby will be born an American citizen."

2.) Honesty

"Oh, Jim? He doesn't speak to us anymore because we used to molest him at bedtime every night after reading him 'Mr. Popper's Penguins.'"


I have a neighbor with a lovely family. While I enjoy talking to them, I don't know how to politely tell her to stay home when I have company. She will send her children to my door selling school items when my adult children are here for dinner. She comes into my yard with her kids when I'm entertaining friends from out of town.

I was brought up that if a neighbor has company, you should stay home unless you were invited. I just want some privacy when I have guests. -- NAMELESS IN THE EAST


I believe that this letter speaks to a larger problem in our society. We don't know how to be passive-aggressive/politely confrontational anymore. We have lost that WASPish thin-lipped ability to be edgy through clenched teeth, to say "Thanks, but no thanks," with a delicate grin while smoke shoots out of our eardrums. What has become of this formerly and alternately rude but polite society? I blame too much reality television and not enough hypodermic snackfood.

I'm not sure if you are well-acquainted with the criminal code laws in your particular neck-of-the-woods there, Nameless, but, in most counties, commonwealths, towns and townships, it is legal to utilize deadly force upon an intruder who threatens to enter your home or even set an unauthorized foot on your property. If the thought of employing lethal force against your "neighbor with a lovely family" makes you squeamish, then I might suggest a weapon whose virtues I have extolled previously on this blog:

That's right, kids-- the TASER X-12 is back and ready to give your neighbor the business. If your nosey neighbor just can't seem to stay away when you're having the kids over (she comes into your yard? Seriously?) send her (and her kids) an unmistakable message with the TASER X-12, fashioned after the Mossberg 500 Pump-Action 12-guage shotgun. With integrated Radial Ammunition Key technology, twin action bars and positive steel-to-steel lock-up, the TASER X-12 is your best bet for a quick, non-lethal resolution to irritating neighborhood disturbances.

And it comes in pretty yellow, too!


My husband and I have a serious difference of opinion, and I'd like your input.
I am of Indian (Asian, not Native American) origin, and I would like our children to have Indian names because I think they are more unique and prettier.

My husband, who is American, contends they are often difficult to spell and pronounce, and moreover, since we're an "American" family, we ought to chose American names. I disagree.

One of the names he would like to give, I particularly dislike. He says it was his grandfather's name and he would like to carry it on. We don't have kids yet -- and at this rate we're not likely to anytime soon. What do you think about this stalemate? -- CONTEMPLATING PARENTHOOD


I think Indian women are hot. The next time you are showering or riding a horse, send some ESP waves my way so I can visualize that if you don't mind.

Now, in response to your question-- which I haven't forgotten about while thinking about you soaping up and/or horseback riding-- I think you two should compromise. Forget about naming your children Nupur or Ramachandran, and definitely forget about naming them Morris, which I'm thinking is your husband's grandfather's name which you, understandably, "particularly dislike."

I think you should name your children after different flavors of ice cream. But not Ben & Jerry's flavors. Because that would be stupid.


  1. Oh, you fully expounded upon the problems with society here ...

    Too funny :-)

  2. Dear Apron has the direct effect of sending me lookin' for Abby's answers to the questions posed. She never fails to disappoint.

    E.g.: "DEAR CONTEMPLATING: I think the two of you should compromise. Give the children American first names and Indian middle names. Problem solved." Seriously? That solves the problem??

    Your advice is superior.


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