Well, Hog My Hooter and Call Me a Neuter, It's... DEAR APRON!

Recently, a friend of mine suggested that I explore, in therapy, the demons "and issues that gave rise to Dr. Apron. You fucked up monster."

I am SO going to do that. Once I find someone who takes my shitty Aetna insurance and isn't currently being investigated by the PA Department of Health. Until then, let's keep it real real, son, with another attack of the herpetic wolf-sore known as...

DEAR APRON:

My job requires me to travel out of town several nights a week, leaving my wife home alone. She recently invited a mutual (male) friend out for dinner during my absence. He's the other half of a couple we socialize with frequently. (His wife was also out of town.)

I told her I was uncomfortable with it. I don't think married men and women should go out alone with members of the opposite sex. She maintains that it wasn't a "date," that she was just having a meal with a friend.

I value your opinion and would like to know how you feel about this. Did I overreact? Is it appropriate for a married woman to go out for a meal alone with a man other than her husband? -- FEELING CHEATED ON IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FEELING CHEATED ON:

It depends. Were they eating spaghetti together over a red-and-white checked tablecloth and the mutual male friend nuzzled over a stray meatball onto your wife's side plate? Did they both go for the same noodle at the same time, resulting in a blush-inducing peck on the smacker?

Do you think they did it on your bedroom carpet? Doggy-style, of course, to complete the vintage cinematic/cultural reference.

I don't think you overreacted, simply by whining about this to your wife and then writing me that limp-dick letter. Now, had you bisected your wife utilizing a chainsaw or some other gas-powered garden implement, I might say that could be reasonably construed as an overreaction.

Look, if you're really feeling wracked with anger and frustration over this incident, the very least you should do is ball the other dude's wife.

Of course, you've probably already done that, so you're ahead of the game. Nice.

DEAR APRON:

Whenever my father comes into my room to wake me up, he opens the shutters on my windows. After spending hours in a dark room, the bright light hurts my eyes.
I have talked to him about it several times, but usually find myself apologizing for being overly sensitive about the matter.

Apron, even when he has promised not to, he still does it. Is there anything I can do to make him stop? -- SENSITIVE EYES IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR SENSITIVE:

For Christ's sake: how old are you? Anybody who is young enough to be bothered by their father opening up the shutters of their bedroom window is too young to be writing to an advice columnist, and anybody old enough to be writing to an advice columnist shouldn't be living in their parents' house. So, this leads me to ask: just what the fuck is going on here?

Is this letter code for something? Is "comes into my room to wake me up" code for... something else? Is "opens the shutters on my windows" some sort of way of telling me that your father is molesting you? Is that what this is? Is this letter some sort of encrypted cry for help?

Holy shit. You're sending out a signal for my help. I'm like Batman.

Just hang on, dear. I'll be there to stop this insidious man from "coming into your room to wake you up" and "opening the shutters on your windows." That bastard. Just you hang on there until my tights are done in the dryer.

Just. Hang. In. There. Kid.

DEAR APRON:

I have been dating the same wonderful man nearly a year now. Although we are not yet engaged, we are headed in that direction and are already discussing wedding plans.

His mother, whom I adore, has offered to make my wedding gown. I am ecstatic at the prospect, but I have a question: Should I offer to pay for the material or just accept this generous gift? -- PRE-ENGAGED IN GULFPORT, MISS.

DEAR PRE-ENGAGED:

Why, of COURSE you should offer to pay for the goddamned wedding gown, you tight-fisted, narrow-minded skinflint! Why, you-- I oughta come over there right now and open the hell out of the shutters on your goddamn windows.