Well, Spank the Dog and Serve Me a Salad, It's DEAR APRON TIME!

You know, if I thought more about it, I could probably make my Dear Apron columns scheduled to be on the 2nd Monday of every week, so you'd know when one was coming-- but where the fun in schedules? I like 'em random-- like chance encounters with C-list celebrities.

And now, without further bullshit or calories, it's Dear Apron time, with insincere apologies to Dear Abby.

DEAR APRON:

I am a 58-year-old woman who has just been dumped by my 55-year-old boyfriend for a younger woman. She is 18, and if that isn't bad enough -- she's my daughter. They are now living together.

For more than a year we functioned as a family. We had regular game nights and took a family vacation together. Because of their betrayal, I have lost my daughter, my boyfriend, the two people I thought were also my best friends, and my family all at the same time. I don't know anyone who has had this happen to them, but unfortunately there must be some out there.

How do I go on? How do I maintain a relationship with my daughter when she is living with my ex-boyfriend? How do I accept what has happened without approving of it? There is so much wrong with this I'm at a loss for rules or tools to handle it. -- IN CRUSHING PAIN IN OREGON

DEAR CRUSHING PAIN:

I'm not going to lie: this is hot.

I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to answer this question without thinking of this dude nailing your tight daughter doggie-style over the sink in the downstairs bathroom while you're in the living room setting up the Monopoly board and looking for your reading glasses.

I'm sorry-- what were we talking about again? Tank-tops?

Look, let's level with each other, okay, Crushing Pain (may I call you "C.P."?) Your ex-boyfriend's got a great thing going on, n'yah mean? You're very jealous of your daughter's attractive physique and her willingness to use it to get the attention she desperately wants, and I understand that. Hey, C.P., you're a washed-up old sag-bag, and that's hard for you.

Here's what I think you should do, though. In the future, to avoid getting hurt like this, try running your prospective boyfriends' names through the NCIC database, the FBI's online resource for criminal background checks, that way you should be able to avoid associating, and sharing your bed, with pedophiles.

But, who are we kidding? You're never going to date again after this anyway.

DEAR APRON:

I'm 19 and finally getting my life together. I have already experienced a lot emotionally and physically. I have recently started on the path to sobriety, but there are two problems. In the city where I live there is nothing to do after 10 p.m. if you're not a drunk. My friends from childhood not only do not support me but tell me I should just have a drink.

I know you should keep yourself surrounded by people who will lift you up, but these people have been my close companions for many years, and I don't think I can dismiss them that easily. Please help me. I like how my life is right now, and I need to know how to stay focused.

-- DRUNK OR SOBER? IN NEW YORK

DEAR DRUNK OR SOBER:

I'm confused. You say that, "in the city where [you] live there is nothing to do after 10 p.m. if you're not a drunk" and you sign your letter "Drunk or Sober? In New York" which leads me to believe that you live in New York City. And you're trying to bullshit me into believing that there's nothing to do in New York City after 10 at night if you're not a drunk? Honey, you've got to be fucking kidding me. The goddamn Broadway shows don't even let out until 11:15.

Oh, wait-- maybe you live in Albany. Is that really a city? Well, if it is, then maybe you've got me there.

In any event, living in a shithole like Albany is no excuse for being an alcoholic. That bored after 10 p.m.? Read a book. Play with yourself while shoving a mustard bottle up your ass. Invent the cure for underarm cancer. Get a fucking life, will you? Stop looking for excuses on which to blame your own pathetic failings and non-existent willpower.

And your friends from childhood aren't really your friends unless they support you. And they all have AIDS.

DEAR APRON: Please tell me your position on this. Are adult children supposed to take an aging mother with them on vacation? If not, what is a gentle way to say no when the parent invites herself? Please help us. -- UNSURE IN OHIO

DEAR UNSURE:

Oh my God, I don't believe it! Two letters from the same family in one day? I mean, this is the 18-year-old daughter who ran away with mom's ex-boyfriend, right? I can't believe it! Now she wants to go on vacay with you guys? Well, I guess she's reconciled her feelings about your relationship.

Dude-- threesome!