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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Keep Fucking That Chicken

On the evening news last night, veteran New York reporter Ernie Anastos jocularly advised weatherman Nick Gregory to "keep fucking that chicken" during a brief, on-air banter exchange. While Anastos and Gregory chuckle incessantly, co-anchor Dari Alexander stares pop-eyed at the camera for a full two seconds, looking like somebody just stabbed her in the neck with an icepick. While you all know I don't post goddamn YouTube clips on this website, if you haven't yet seen it, go check it out. You'll be very happy you did.

It's chicken-fucking good.

I don't want you to get worried about the remainder of this blog post-- it's not going to be a meaningless diatribe about censorship and the media, or freedom of speech, or whether this crazy bastard ought to keep or lose his job-- I don't really give much of a shit about any of that. Let the other bloggers and pundits (that's the word, people, by the way-- if I hear one more person say "pundints" I'm going to seriously beak-fuck somebody's chicken) discuss the more esoteric, mundane and predictable issues surrounding this little gaffe. You and me? We're going down a different road.

I see Ernie Anastos' comment in a different way than perhaps many of the viewers who have seen this video clip on Facebook (thanks again, Adam-- you're my No. 1 Chicken Fucker) or YouTube or Google Video. I see Ernie Anastos as speaking to all of us on a more humanitarian level-- he's saying something, not just to his weatherman, but to all of us, and he's saying it in language that we can all understand and relate to.

He's telling us not to give up, and I like that.

Life isn't easy, in case you've forgotten that, or have yet to experience it yourself. You will, and, when you do, I want you to know that things get better. Of course, they get worse, too, but, if they didn't, we'd never realize when things got better, would we? That's a theme I'm borrowing from Richard Nixon's resignation speech, but it's just as timely today, and I think old Dick Nixon would have appreciated and related to Ernie Anastos' social commentary, too. It was definitely language Nixon would have appreciated.

We love slogans in this country, and if there's one type of slogan we love more than anything, it's the slogan of encouragement:

Don't give up.

Rock on with your bad self.

You go, girl.

Just do it.

Keep it up.

You can do it.

Semper Fi.

Do or die.

And now, the latest pat-on-the-tuchus to enter our great American lexicon:

Keep fucking that chicken.

Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to answer Ernie Anastos' bold, new, stirring call to action. Will you keep fucking that chicken with me?

Yes, you will.

You will not despair when life gets you down. You will not give up when myriad of difficulties and tribulations stand in the way of achieving your goals. You will not become frustrated or defeatist or discouraged. You will not quit. You will boldly rise with me, steadfastly lower your trousers, and diligently keep fucking that chicken, because that, my friend, is what makes us Americans.

We don't have much sometimes in this world, but we are fortunate enough to have visionary people in our midst like Ernie Anastos, people who are not afraid to lend a supportive word when on the path of righteousness we trip and stumble.

These are challenging times in which we live. America is fighting a war in two nations, we are facing economic despair from which we are only beginning to recover, we struggle with issues or class, identity, religion and race in this country. Now, more than ever, it is time to take stock of who we are, what we want, and who we will become in the days, months and years ahead. There will be obstacles in our path, but as long as we keep a clear eye and our face towards the sun, we can reach our goals better and stronger than we were before.

Keep fucking that chicken, my loves. Keep fucking that chicken.

7 comments:

  1. You're a strange dude, and I DIG THAT about you.

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  2. I can say with all honesty that I've been thinking about this all day and while it was funny in the morning to me, it has become increasingly funny as the day continues. Several times I actually laughed out loud in public today when I thought of it.

    I mean Keep fucking that chicken on live tv...for no reason at all.

    The brilliant minds that police Wikipedia have let this slide in today with this explanation: "This was apparently a reference to the old Perdue Farms advertising slogan of "it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken" he might have wanted to say keep Plucking that chicken"

    Hmmmm, anyway you slice that Chicken I'm officially making this my catch phrase. Like instead of "Have a good one" or "take care now" Keep fucking that chicken. Can't wait to see the bank tellers face the next time I drop that one on them.

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  3. I will never stop fucking that chicken. Even if it begs.

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  4. I guess it's better than "You Go, Girl".

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  5. "been there, done that" can fuck off and die as well. along w/ "what happens in _______, stays in _________"

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  6. See, you uncovered two underlying traits of Brits and Americans in two consecutive posts...!

    Americans are ENTHUSIASTIC!

    When someone logs onto a forum and says 'Yeah, I'm having trouble losing some weight. But I've lost 2 pounds. It's going OK.' -- in the US you get responses like: 'KEEP IT UP MAN!' 'AWESOME!' 'DUDE, YOU ROCK!'

    And they MEAN it! It's not even sarcastic!

    If you did that in Europe you'd get responses like 'Hahaha, fat fucker. Go finish your KFC bucket.'

    It's just different cultures...

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