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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

The I Don't Give a Fuck List

I've decided, today, that there are a lot of things in life that I don't give a fuck about.

I've decided, today also, to list those things, because I am extremely pressed for time, and I am also very sorry for not having had time to post a substantive blog this morning. I don't know why I ran out of time, but I did.

I now implore your pardon with my List of Things I Don't Give a Fuck About:

1.) Kanye West

The next time you interrupt someone, I hope it's a carjacker and he shoots you in the face.

2.) Jay Leno

Your show moved to a new time slot? Go fuck yourself.

3.) Taylor Swift

Aww-- did the mean black man with crop circles in his hair hurt your wittle feelings?

4.) Joe Wilson

The next time you interrupt someone, I hope-- oh, wait...

5.) Patrick Swayze

Yeah, sorry. I just don't. And, if I hear another soundbite of "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" I'm going to break off my own left arm and stab myself in the eye with the jagged ulnar bone.

6.) Acne

I'm over it, Zit. Bring on the pus, Gus. I just don't care anymore. A regular uniform of sweatsuits can't be far behind.

7.) Whether or not the recession is "likely over."

Ben Bernanke, why don't you just shut the fuck up?

8.) Marc Jacobs

The New York Times calls him the "Now Man." Do we give a fuck about that? Highly dubious.

9.) Barack Obama's dog

Remember when we gave a fuck about that? I don't.

10.) The deplorable situation of death row prisoners in Japan.

NPR tried to entice me to give a fuck about that in a news report last week. It almost worked.

11.) Dan Brown

Why do I think that at least 85% of bloggers are better writers than Dan Brown? Including the ones who only post YouTube videos.

12.) Injured professional athletes

I'm so sorry you injured your wrist doing that touchdown dance. Maybe you can make a sling for it out of a few dozen ten thousand dollar bills.

13.) Meredith Vieira

Don't worry, honey-- I wouldn't forget about you.

14.) All of the other things I should be doing instead of blogging.

Hey, it's work-- it'll still be there tomorrow.

15.) Pop culture

Now that my former best friend who works for MTV doesn't speak to me anymore, I never have to endure another conversation about inane assholes and idiots, charlatans and harlots in the entertainment industry that I don't give a fuck about.

16.) Swine flu

If you were a real illness, you'd be called the fucking Tiger Flu or some shit, man. Come and get me, piggie sickie!

17.) The Number 17

Eat me, One-Seven!

18.) People who are related to me but aren't my immediate family.

I have no time for you, uncles and such. Sorry. Thanks for the wedding gifts, though.

19.) My clothes

I don't think I own a shirt or pair of trousers that doesn't have some kind of stain on it, or isn't wrinkled or outdated. So? You going to arrest me, Marc Jacobs?

And, finally, the thing I give a fuck about the least:

20.) People who don't like my blog.

Follower 43, I don't know who you are, or what I did or what happened, but I just don't give a fuck.


Kate Gosselin's new haircut-- definitely number 21 on the list.


  1. 1),5),11),16) (my ex sister in law wont shut up about it whenever I talk to her which was once in June and just the other day) shut the fuck up already. 20).. You lost me there kid. But then again who gives a fuck is the point of the blog.

  2. you just have a soft spot for meredith.

    #43 go fuck yrself!

  3. Aww. There's only one thing to say to you, my dear, sweet Apron....

    I'd carry a watermelon for you, you know. ;)


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