Please, Stalk Me

I recently read a discussion post on www.20sb.net about "blog stalkers."

Like most discussions that take place on this board, replete with enticing, hard-hitting topics like "Longest You've Gone Without Sex?", "How Ugly Are You?", "I Want to Discover More Girly Blogs!" and, my favorite, "Should Canada's Anthem Become Gender-Neutral?" I was definitely moved and intrigued by a discussion on the burgeoning phenomenon of "blog stalkers."

I have to go on the record at this point and admit that I'm not sure I understand the term. I mean, I know there are people out there who read my blog every day, and they make comments about the things that I write-- personal stuff!-- and some of these people even go so far as to "follow" me.

I mean, skeevy times, right?

Here's the thing: I thought that's what bloggers... wanted.

Maybe I'm wrong, but don't we obsessively self-promote, self-adulate, ardently seek the approval and consistent praise of total strangers? Don't we welcome them into our lives by opening ourselves up like a mid-March crocus? I mean... I thought that's what we did.

So I got to thinking, because no one on that particular discussion board was able to adequately elucidate exactly what a blog stalker was-- what is the difference between a blog follower and a blog stalker.

Well, I thought about this for a long time, and I came to the conclusion that there are a lot of similarities, and only a couple differences.

SIMILARITIES:

Blog followers & blog stalkers...

* read your blog obsessively

* comment frequently

* tell their friends, acquaintances, neighbors, comrades-in-arms, postal inspectors about your blog

* are almost always female

* have a vested interest in what you have to say

* can't squeeze out their morning loaf until they've read your blog at least three times

* more often than not read your blog at least semi-nude

DIFFERENCES

* Blog followers give you positive attention, blog stalkers give you negative attention

* Blog followers may sometimes end their comments with "I love you." Blog stalkers may sometimes end their comments with "Mo' cut you."

If there are other things that set blog followers and blog stalkers apart, I couldn't figure out what those traits might be. Maybe I just haven't had enough experience with blog stalkers. I once had a bunch of people get mad at me for a negative review I wrote about the band, "Hoots & Hellmouth" but they forgot about me after the next time they got high.

I sometimes have followers of My Masonic Apron write me 20sb messages or g-mails about this or that, and they sometimes mention feeling guilty about coming off "stalkerish." And I have to pretty much laugh that off until one of them shows up on my doorstep wearing a masonic apron with my picture embroidered on it and bloody pig's head as a facemask. Because, really-- the internet and the blogosphere has very much blurred the line between fan, follower, friend, stalker and everything in between. These designations just aren't as clear-cut as they once were. My creative writing teacher hiding in J.D. Salinger's bushes wearing camouflage make-up and eating tinned tuna for three weeks? Stalker. I mean, come on-- that's easy.

Someone in Alberta checking your blog four times a day? Maybe they're just a fan with O.C.D. Who knows, right? And maybe I'm a reverse-stalker for checking my blog stats so much. Maybe I'm fucking stalking YOU! Well, folksies... what are you going to do? Bust out a cyber-restraining order against me? That I can't come within five thousand IP addresses from yours? Tell it to the judge, sweetheart.

Do me a favor, though, in the meantime: get me some more stalkers. Or followers. Or whatever. I could use the attention; positive or otherwise.

How to Stay in Love

Somebody posted a discussion topic on the 20something bloggers network asking "How Do You Stay In Love?"

I think it's pretty sad that twentysomethings have to ask themselves, or advise others, on how to encourage and perpetuate the existence of love. Shouldn't that be more of a question asked on 80something bloggers?

There really isn't any secret. There isn't any answer. It's different for every couple. It's not a question like, "How do you change the oil on a 1987 Buick LeSabre?" or "What's the cheapest flight I can get from Tulsa to Albany?" And, trust me, if there is an answer, no 20something has it. We're all basically retarded. Haven't you figured that out yet?

When I last checked the discussion board, there were 105 responses to this question. There's the usual bullshit about trust and patience, communication, spontaneity, picking your battles, paying attention, compromise, showing affection... It's like those silly women's magazines you see at the supermarket checkout lane boasting, "18 New Things You Can Do to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed." I mean, are you kidding me? How many different ways can you say, "Put on a thong and suck his cock?" It's pretty ridiculous when you actually sit down and think about it.

Oh, here's a good one, related to that last point: "have a lot of sex!" Oh, hahaha! Good idea!

Here's the thing: if you're in your 20's and you're all worried about how to stay in love, you're pretty much fucked. If you're pondering that question after thirty years of marriage, well, I can understand that. Just put on a thong and suck his cock, you saggy, flabby hottie, you.

I love being in love, and one of the things I love most about being in love is not thinking about it, or how to keep it going. I trust my love, and you should trust yours too. You don't need some moron on a chatboard to tell you to kiss your girlfriend as you're leaving for the day or to write her poems or letters, or email her incessantly or to remember her goddamn birthday, or your anniversary, or to pay attention to the things she likes so you can buy them for her and be her hero. You don't need some numbnuts to tell you to respect her and admire her and tell her she's beautiful on a Thursday morning.

You want to know how to stay in love? Stay away from internet discussion-boards. I don't promise eternal love-- but it's a good start.