Well, Excise My Bunion and Save Me a Funion, It's... DEAR APRON!

You ever think Dear Abby will get around to suing my balls off for ass-spraying all over her advice column the way I do each and every week? God, I hope not. I was only ever in court once, and it was to watch the proceedings, because my friend and I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. I don't think I'd be very much good at being sued. I'd probably cry, and nobody really needs to see that. But, you know what we do need to see? A whole hot k'noodling mess of...

DEAR APRON:

My boyfriend and I will be attending a milestone birthday party for a friend of his. The fiancee of the birthday guy stated on the invitation, "There will be a surprise during the evening." It has been suggested that a stripper "may" be the surprise.

Apron, I realize this might be OK for some people and it's just for fun, but I'd be uncomfortable if this happens. My boyfriend knows my feelings, but I don't know if we would risk being ridiculed if we left the party. What should I do if I find myself in this situation? -- HATE TO BE A PARTY-POOPER

DEAR PARTY-POOPER:

Oh my God-- they still haven't told you that you're the stripper yet? Wow. That's just all kinds of awkward, isn't it? I mean... I knew.

Well, it's a little late, but I think you could still have enough time to adequately prepare yourself for the gig. Remember, D.I.Y. tassels can easily be constructed out of two Band-Aids and some paper-clips hooked together. You're going to want to do a Brazillian, too-- trust me on that, so make your appointment now. As this is a "milestone birthday," requests for lapdances would not be unreasonable and ought to be adhered to promptly. You will also be expected to tongue the birthday boy's asshole, while your boyfriend holds your hair back and the members of the live band take turns jacking off onto your back.

DEAR APRON:

When someone has a serious illness or major surgery, everyone thinks to bring food, which is lovely. But I have a better idea.

When my friend, who has a young family, was diagnosed with breast cancer, I offered to do her laundry. Her recovery was slow, and the chemo and radiation therapies endless. Three years later, we're nearing the end of a short and brave life, and I still do their laundry every week. It has been a help to her, and I have grown closer to her and her family. When she's gone, I will never again do a load of wash without thinking of her.

Perhaps your readers can help another family this way. -- THE LAUNDRY FAIRY, ROCHESTER, MINN.

DEAR LAUNDRY FAIRY:

That's a truly excellent suggestion. Who cares if you're lying on your couch, your chest burned from radiation, your energy completely sapped so that you can't even think straight enough to boil a pot of water for macaroni and cheese? At least you'll have clean undershirts for the week-- not that you can move over to your dresser to access them. You may not have meals prepared for you for the daunting weeks ahead, but at least you'll be able to eat your clean socks. Thanks, Laundry Fairy! You're the best!

DEAR APRON:

I'm a senior in high school and about to graduate. The week after graduation, one of my close friends is getting married. I have no qualms about the marriage, but I'm confused about the pre-wedding parties.

The bride and groom are registered at three stores and have had a Tupperware party already. However, I have received an invitation to a lingerie party to which guests have been instructed to bring the bride lingerie with gift receipts attached.

Am I wrong in thinking that buying intimate apparel is the responsibility of the couple? I plan to buy them a wedding gift from the registry, but I feel odd being asked to essentially contribute to their sex life. Apron, if I decline the invitation, what would be the proper way to do it? -- BRINGING A BLENDER IN MONTANA

DEAR BRINGING A BLENDER:

Okay, stop the show.

What the fuck is going on here? This letter wasn't written by a senior in high school, it reads like it was written by a goddamned senior citizen.

*** "I have no qualms about the marriage." High school seniors (in Montana, no less) do not use the word "qualms". Sorry.

*** "The bride and groom... have had a Tupperware party already." WHAT?! What high school senior who isn't Napolean Dynamite has friends that have Tupperware parties in the year 2011?

*** "Am I wrong in thinking that buying intimate apparel is the responsibility of the couple?"

INTIMATE APPAREL???!!!!!! WHAT?!!!!

Maybe I'm just a sugar-sack full of paranoia, but this letter stinks to high heaven to me. It's fucking putrid, in fact. Either some high school chick's grandma wrote this thing or someone is totally having me on. And, in either case, I'm not dignifying this crazy shit with a response beyond this.

Intimate apparel. Jesus!