An Award-Winning Disclaimer

A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Okay, You're a Taxi

Get ready, because New York City is going to get a lot more Soccer Mommy come 2013.

That's when the Nissan NV200, a dumpy-looking minivan that is not available for public consumption in this country, is going to start cruising the streets of the five boros, being piloted by short-tempered Middle Eastern men wearing Bluetooth earpieces, turbans, distinguished facial-hair, and perpetu-scowls.

The NV200, in case you haven't heard, was recently chosen as the taxi-elect for New York City. It will begin replacing a fleet of thousands of beat-to-shit Ford Crown Victorias that will most likely be sold to far-flung places like Rwanda and Dubai where they can be appropriately flogged to death.

The NV200 is a forward-thinking vehicle-- that is, unless you're a person with a physical disability, in which case it's backward and awful as it, apparently, cannot be modified to accomodate wheelchair-bound passengers.

Take that, A.D.A.

It is definitely a cab, however, that caters to modernity in several aspects. As we've gotten stupider, the NV200 is sensitive to our declining mental prowess. Because other motorists are, apparently, incapable of careening into open cab doors that are either letting out or letting in passengers, the NV200's passenger doors slide, minimizing collision risk. The NV200 is also very sensitive to our need to be plugged in to myriad of electronica at all times, granting its occupant the use of a 12V outlet and two USB ports, as well as floor lighting to help us quickly locate our smartphones and tablet computers that we drop drunkenly at 3am.

According to the website, the NV200 also features two distinct interior advancements over its predecessors:

1.) "Attractive, breathable, antimicrobial, environmentally friendly and easy-to-clean seat fabric that simulates the look and feel of leather."

Wow. Five fucking adjectives. Is that really necessary?


2.) "Independently controlled rear air conditioning with a grape phenol-coated air filter to improve cabin air quality."

I don't know what grape phenol-coating is, but I'm not sure it's something I necessarily want in an enclosed area like a taxi cab. I'm too scared to look it up. Why are they coating my air with grapey stuff? Why don't they just coat the seats in Kool Aid varnish?

While these features are all admittedly amusing on some sophomoric level, easily my favorite technological advancement featured on the NV200 has nothing to do with seats that feel like leather or fruity air, and it isn't anything to do with EPA estimates or the reassurance of airbags out the ying-yang, it's the horn.

No, it doesn't play "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." Unfortunately.

The NV200's horn is what is referred to as a "low-annoyance horn."

Low. Annoyance.


Frankly, I can't wait to hear this thing in action. I'm just picturing some middle-aged Indian man with hate-glazed red eyes after being cut off in traffic in Soho or something, hanging out his window screaming,


He slams his vein-bulging fist down on the center of his steering wheel and it sounds like a tow-headed third grader with stage-fright playing the triangle.

Not only is the horn "low annoyance" but, every time you activate the horn on the NV200, lights on the outside of the cab illuminate so the police can slap you with a fine for noise pollution. So, basically, your own fucking ride narcs on you. Amazing.

I think what the NV200 needs is a time-delay horn, or an impulse-control horn-- something that gives you time to compose yourself before deciding, "Yes, this situation truly warrants the activation of my low-annoyance horn."

The way I see it working would be comme si:

Fast Forward to 2013. Some shitty-kneed bastard almost hits your snazzified NV200. You smash your fist down on the center of the steering wheel, but there is no sound. Your in-dash navigation system screen (which comes standard with all NV200s) lights up, and a familiar old friend appears on the screen:

"Hi. Looks like you want to give voice to some desert-infused rage. Do you want help with that?"

No comments:

Post a Comment

Got something to say? Rock on with your badass apron!