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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Moist Girls

There are lots of phenomena that I don't understand. Like men who wear Sperry Topsiders without socks-- yeah. I don't understand that. And I certainly don't do it. No, you won't catch me dead doing that. If you do catch me dead, most likely I'll be wearing Florsheims. Actually, remind me to specify that in my will.

When I get around to stop being too afraid of death to make a will.

Anyway, getting back to phenomena I don't understand, one of the things I don't understand has to do with girls. Well, women, actually. No-- I guess girls, too, because I first realized this phenomenon when the women I know were young enough to be referred to as "girls". This is getting confusing. But that's okay, you're still with me. I think.

So, people, at least in Western society, like to think that they're individuals, that the things they say, do, think, and feel are somehow unique. Special. Little. Yellow. Different.

Why is it, though, that so many women with whom I have casual conversation (you thought I was going to say "sex" because you're a pervert and you think I'm one, too) say that they are grossed out by the word "moist".

I've heard this from a significant amount of women. The first time I remember a female saying that she is nasted out by the word "moist" was in high school. And she was a girl. Now she's a woman, and I'm willing to bet that she still would tell you that she wants to throw up all over your face when you exclaim that "This Duncan Hines cake is so moist!"

Why? How did this start? Has this become a meme? Have enough women heard other women say it and now they feel compelled to state that they, too, are disgusted by the word "moist"? Are they even really disgusted or has pop culture and/or peer pressure collaborated to persuade women of a certain vintage that they ought to be sickened, or at least profess to be, at the uttering of this word?

While I am normally against research of any kind as a general rule, I attempted to delve into this subject matter through proper academic channels. I put in a call to Professor Modrig Hoschen*, leading research fellow at the Department of Aqueology at Slippery Rock University for his perspective on this queer phenomenon.

"You are quite correct," he said to me via Skype during our interview, "the word 'moist' is the word most frequently disliked by American girls aged 12-17 and women aged 18-47. Interestingly, the word typically disliked by American women aged 47-59 is 'staple-remover'."

Professor Hoschen was unable to ascertain why it is that American females so consistently cannot stand hearing or uttering the word "moist."

"You could argue that a woman's budding sexuality and awareness of the inherent slickness of her vaginal area is mostly to blame for the discomfort with the word 'moist,' especially considering that the disdain for the word occurs during the onset of puberty, and wanes as a woman approaches menopause. Of course, men's assholes get moist when they experience the uncomfortable occurance of swamp-ass, and they don't seem to have a problem with the word 'moist'."

I had to admit, the professor had me there.

I myself like the word "moist." Of course, I'm not a girl. There are, come to think of it, no words that I really dislike. I love words, and I try to use as many of them as I can. Pronouns are especially cool, even though some consider them to be an affectation. Just thinking about linguistics kind of gets me... you know... moist.

(*Dr. Modrig Hoschen = Dr. Moist Panties, in German)

(I wonder if German girls don't like the word 'modrig'. I kind of doubt it. I'll bet German girls dig weird shit.)


  1. I like the word moist ... I use it to describe brownies and stuff, not my nether regions. You're right, though, a lot of women get weird about it ... I'll have to think on this one : )

  2. I think it has something to do with overuse of the word 'moist' in the girl-porn that passes itself off as "romance novels".

  3. Are you suggesting people should wear Sperry Topsiders WITH socks?

    Sperry Topsiders were a part of my high school uniform. I wish I had kept them. I had no idea they'd be hip someday.

  4. You don't wear topsiders with socks.

    They are made specifically to wear with no socks.

    Just saying.

  5. Dear Anonymous:

    Thanks for clearing that one up.


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