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Monday, May 30, 2011

Capital of the Hairfederacy

Lexington, Virginia

"I've got to tel you," Mrs. Apron said to me just as the two of us were waking up from a delicious mid-afternoon nap yesterday, "Virginia does not like your hair." I propped myself up on my shoulders in bed and squinted to make out my image in the mirror of the oak-finished dressing table across the room, only to discover that my wife was correct.
I looked like a Jewish Guy Smiley.

"Maybe," she speculated, "that's why all the Jews left the South-- because of what it did to their hair."

I've got to say, it's not like Pennsylvania's a whole hell of a lot better in that department. Many's been the day where I've been through hellacious embarrassment because of the frizzified nature of my hair due to some muggy, mucky, hazy, awful Southeastern Pennsylvania day. I'll even let you in on a dirty little secret, because I love you. On days where it's raining and/or excessively humid, and I know, even at 5:15 in the morning that my hair is going to go through some very uncontrollable, unpredictable, Telemundo-style theatrics, I will take an unusual step in the morning.

It's my secret weapon in the fight against Jewfrizz.

I have this hat, you see. It's a very warm hat, and it's got earflaps. Canadians wear these hats unironically, but all of a sudden, hipster assholes have been wearing them to ski with, I swear. They can make the ugliest clothing/most dubious facial hair cool. I don't know how they do it, they must be enchanted.

Anyway, so, this hat. I keep this hat in my car, and, to the casual observer it looks like any other piece of winter accoutrama that was just carelessly forgotten about inside some jerkoff's car-- but, no. It was left, very deliberately, inside this jerkoff's car because, you see, on a frizzy day, I will don this absurd piece of headwear on my 32-minute commute to work in the desperate hope that its flattening effect will somehow help to tame the frizz.

It works, with varying degrees of success. But, I think, if we lived in Virginia, I'd need a big, motherfucking Stetson.

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