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Sunday, October 31, 2010

Walk in Support of MY MASONIC APRON'S 600th BLOGDAY!

I don't remember when we as a society started running and jogging and walking in support of people who have diseases, or for disease awareness, or to do battle with diseases, but it seems to have been going on for quite a while.

Back in elementary school, our gym teacher started a walk (around the permieter of the school) in support of a boy at our school who had a heart condition which killed him when he was in sixth grade. When my wife and I bought our house, we realized that we had moved next door to that little boy's mother, who informed us that my elementary school gym teacher still does the walk to generate awareness for her son's disease, even after all these years have passed.

And I like that.

I say that because I don't want to get people up-in-arms about this blog, and have to suffer through an annoying backlash of hot-and-bothered comments from people who probably didn't even read the post to begin with because, shortly, it's going to get silly, ridiculous, and, yes, say it with me now: offensive around here. Because, really, those of you who know what to expect from me have come to expect just that from me and, chances are, you don't come here for my dashing good looks and superb knowledge of the wine list.

Oh, what am I saying? This post is going to run on Sunday, and nobody reads this shit on Sunday. You're all in church, tithing, like good little twentysomethings or whatever the hell you are.

Yesterday, traffic was appreciably bunged up in my little corner of the wood because of a 5-K walk in honor of something or other-- I don't really know what it was. Maybe it was to raise awareness of something, or to raise money for something-- but it's never just "so you can get exercise because you're fat or have cellulitis," which would be beneficial for a lot of people, but a little too, well, aware and not very, well, you know-- sexy.

So, as my wife and I tried to meander out of our conservative family neighborhood to get to a hipper, ethnic neighborhood for breakfast seated across from middle-aged lesbians, we found it nearly impossible to do this because all of our local streets were blocked off by either police cruisers or aging blockades made of slanting saw-horses. This got us thinking about walks and runs and jogs, and we thought of some good ones that you might want to initiate in your own particular neighborhoods and rally support for. Some would make for excellent t-shirts.

The 10-K Walk for Awareness of Morning Wood

Many people know of the colloquialism, but few people are aware that this condition affects approximately 73.2 million men worldwide between the ages of 13-62. No other penile condition cuts such a dramatic swath across all ethnic, religious, racial and spiritual lines in the male population. Neighborhood flags ought to be lowered to 3/4ths staff during said event.

Jog to Promote Awareness for SNEE

Any woman who's worn a thinly-constructed knit top from Old Navy and then has had the misfortune to walk beneath an air conditioning ceiling vent at work knows the extremely regrettable sensation of SNEE, and the folded arms across the chest, the tucked, introverted posture is a dead giveaway for millions across the globe. Now is the time to raise awareness for this distressing condition. Dress in layers.

Run for Your Cords

Few people appreciate the dramatic impact that corduroy trousers have had on the lives of men and women who shop for leg-covering garmentude at L.L. Bean. For anybody who has ever worn a pair of cords, or who has loved and/or lost someone who has, this is the event to celebrate both skinny and wide wales. This event may also be dubbed "Swish for the Trou."

Jog for Judaism

Also known as the annual Jew Jog, this event raises awareness of and for Jews. Lots of us love throwing our Jewishness in peoples' faces, and here's a way to legitimize that effrontery by wearing black coats and hats, expensive-looking handbags, talking loudly about discounts we've ruthlessly sought out, and complaining about why our children don't call as often as they should.

Race for Facebook

This event should be held in places where awareness of Facebook and other social media sites of the 21st century is sorely lacking, such as Duluth, the state of Alabama, and George Bush, Sr.'s house.

Apron Pride Day

You know you're all up ons this particular event. It's a celebration of My Masonic Apron's 600th post, of all the things that make Mr. Apron Mr. Apron: sarcasm, a foul mouth, earthtones, a random cacophany of reasonably-priced antiques, Victoriana, and music that normal people forsook years ago for target-masturbating, Bluetooth-equipped cars, and cocktails. Dress is business formal, plus a make-your-own-masonic-apron apron.

See you on the street.

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