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Friday, October 29, 2010

Well, Check Your Ego and Kiss My Id, It's... DEAR APRON!

Well, it's Friday. Time to knock back a little Manischewitz, thank God you didn't die at work by getting your necktie caught in the laminating machine, and be eternally grateful that all that masturbating in high school didn't blind you like Sister Indetia said it would, 'cause then you'd need some seriously expensive assistive technology to read...


Our daughter "Joy" is 20. Her boyfriend, "Danny," is 22. They plan to be married once they graduate from college. Danny is a wonderful young man who loves our daughter very much.

Danny's parents have an expensive home, two new cars, a boat and a vacation home. They do not help their son financially -- even with college. Danny works full time, attends school full time and pays all of his expenses. What concerns me is that he has a car payment, a school loan and is using a credit card to buy an engagement ring for Joy.

Joy and Danny would like a big, expensive wedding. Although we would like to do that for our daughter, we are reluctant about spending so much for a wedding, knowing that afterward they will have to pay off all of Danny's bills. Should we voice our concerns to our daughter or keep our mouths shut? We don't want to start out as bad in-laws. -- LOVING DAD IN UTAH


Why can't you just say, "I want Danny's parents to pay for the wedding"? Can't you just say that? Believe me, you'd feel much, much better and you'd have saved about two hundred and fifty characters.

Danny's parents can't pay for the wedding, for the same reason they can't pay for his college education and his car: they've spent everything they have on that huge house, their vacation home, those nice, sparkly new cars and that goddamn boat that they only let you on after your shoes are off and you've been appropriately deloused.

If you want my advice, which you clearly do, suck it up and pay for this wedding. Trust me, in a couple decades, you'll be very happy that Joy married up.


I have a problem with people in our church congregation who want to greet me with a kiss. Please advise me on how to handle this delicate situation.

I don't want to hurt any feelings; these are nice people. However, lips carry germs, and I have a weak immune system. I have tried extending my hand in greeting, but one man smooched me anyway, saying, "I don't shake hands with girls!" Abby, I'm 70 and hardly a "girl," and I didn't appreciate his rejection of my handshake.

Do you think it will work if I tell him and others that I have a contagious disease that causes men's lips to dry up and fall off? -- DEANNA IN FLORIDA


Let's be a little more detailed here, if you don't mind. Exactly what kind of kisses are we talking about here? If it's a little peck on the puss, then I don't really see what the problem is, and I'm not quite sure what sort of diseases you expect to be getting from these elderly, liver-spotted gentlemen in green trousers, bowling shirts, and white shoes who smell like Vicks Vapo-Rub.

Well, actually, come to think of it, any man who's kissing on you has got to be at least of WWII veteran age, so it's indeed possible that any number of these gentlemen could have contracted some exotic sexually-transmitted disease half a century ago from an underage, dark-hued Polynesian beauty. But I think the odds of them transmitting such a disease to you through any act of affection that would be appropriate in a church setting would be unlikely at best.

I'm glad to hear that you're still getting sexually assaulted at 70, though. And in church, too. Some people have all the luck.


I have met my soul mate. She has the same name as my ex-wife. How do we remedy this? It is driving me nuts! -- SCOTT IN WASHINGTON STATE


Easy. When you are fucking this bitch, just yell out the name of some random chick. Just make sure it's a different random chick each time, or your soulmate might get the wrong idea.


I am hoping you might have a suggestion on how to handle cigarette smokers who ignore my requests to not smoke in my direction. I have severe allergies, and I also suffer from dry eye syndrome. Even after I have told smokers that their addiction worsens my condition they continue, assuming that by cracking a window the room is ventilated. -- FRUSTRATED IN TURLOCK, CALIF.


Oh my God-- "severe allergies"... "dry eye syndrome..." I have an idea: why don't you team up with the old biddy with the "weakened immune system" and become a super-hero duo together, fighting those who would befoul the air and spread diseases with wanton abandon? Just don't try to kiss her, though.

1 comment:

  1. I had a dream last night I got my ponytail stuck in a machine that closely resembled two steamroller cylinders pressed together (INDUSTRIAL). Then I come here and read about neckties in laminating machines.
    Get out of my brain, Apron.


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