Ass Backwards. Literally!

Don't you hate when people just can't seem to use the word "literally" correctly? As in, "Dude. It is seriously going to be raining cats and dogs. Literally."

Well, then I hope the street-sweeping crew is going to be hitting my neighborhood after that rain breaks, because, if not, we're all going to be slipping on a lot of kitty entrails and matted blood and fur all over the fucking place. It's a good thing I just changed my windshield wipers and had them affixed with those high-absorbency industrial sponges.

Yesterday, I was ass backwards. Literally. As in, the ass of my boxer shorts was on top of my penis. As in, I was wearing my undewear the wrong way 'round. Literfuckingally.

Getting dressed as I do at 5:20 in the morning, these type of things are bound to happen. Sometimes, at eight or nine o'clock in the morning, I'll look down at myself and, usually a very fastidious dresser and matcher, I will be disappointed at my ensemble for the day. There may be gray socks with brown trousers, or a dubiously-colored undershirt. All of my collared shirts are wrinkled. I refuse to iron dress shirts-- especially to go to work in a psych hospital? Who's going to notice? The 300 pound, frothy-lipped black gentleman who walks out of his room holding his micropenis in his hand asking for a cup of apple juice and an Ativan?

So I don't sweat my apparel, though I would like to have my underwear on correctly.

I knew something was not quite right, you know, down there, but I didn't realize what it was until the end of my shift. I had peed three times during the day, but never noticed the under-roo debacle because *gulp* I often pee sitting down.

Yes. I pee like a girl. Laugh at me. I don't care. Go ahead, laugh. There's Mr. Apron, peeing like a Mrs. Apron! Hahahahahaha. That's pretty fucking funny, isn't it? You like that shit? Yeah. I pee like your sister. Get over it.

Anyway, I'll bet your sister pees standing up.

OH, DAMN! No, I di'int!

Anyway, yes, I di'id.

So, my underwear was on backwards. Not to read too much into it, but I definitely think you can apply backwards underwear to life, if you try hard enough. I mean, we're all backwards, lacking in attention to detail, fumbling our way through the menial and sometimes very important tasks of life and, sometimes, we just, well, step in the wrong way.

I don't remember the circumstances surrounding the other times in my life that this has happened, but I sure remember the first time. I was a freshman in high school, a wormy, skinny, weird, unfortunate freshman in high school and I was trying to find friends the only way I knew how-- by trying be funny. So, on the late bus, populated with theatre dorks, football dickheads, and cheerleader sluts-in-training, I casually announced, in my charming, self-deprecating way, that I realized something so funny in 5th period-- that my boxers were on the wrong way.

There was silence for a minute or two. Then, a freckle-cheeked, towheaded football player broke said silence.

"Oh, yeah? Is that so your boyfriend can fuck you easier-- with the pisshole by your asshole?"

And.... scene.