Tase Me Out to the Ballgame

So, your little Apron is conflicted.

See, as a blogger who frequently takes interest in and writes about issues surrounding law enforcement, I feel compelled to write about the kid who got tased by Philly PD at a Phillies game as he ran around on the field.

Then, as someone generally resists the urge to involve himself in and comment on moronic antics that somehow always become water-cooler issues the following day, I feel compelled to ignore the kid who got tased by Philly PD at a Phillies game as he ran around on the field.

But, on the other hand, as someone who thinks tasers are FUCKING AWESOME-BALLS (my birthday is May 12, visit www.taser.com for details), I feel compelled to write about the kid who got tased by Philly PD at a Phillies game as he ran around on the field.

Of course, as someone who knows that this is, in essence, a silly story that will most likely blow over by the time I hit "Publish," I feel compelled to ignore the kid who got tased by Philly PD at a Phillies game as he ran around on the field.

But, as a Philadelphia-centered blogger, I feel compelled to write about it.

Yet, as someone who knows nothing and cares nothing about sports, I feel compelled to ignore it.

FUCK!

Well, I think we all know by now that I'm not ignoring it.

Because, let's face it: when some jerkoff gets bejouled in front of 44,817 semi-inebriated sports fans, it's pretty hard to ignore.

I struggled with how I feel about this one-- and I struggled hard. It might surprise some, or most, of you to know that my gut reaction was that the officer acted in the wrong. From the video (which people are watching on YouTube more often than they're watching the "30 Rock" clip where Alec Baldwin impersonates various members of Tracy Jordan's family-- "Now do the white dude that my moms left my dad for!") it's clear that Steve Consalvi, 17, known as "The Tased" was not acting in any threatening manner that put the pursuing officer, the other security personnel, the overpaid players, or any of the 44,817 semi-inebriated sports fans in serious jeopardy. He wasn't involved in a struggle with the officer, where the officer's gun could have become intentionally or accidentally torn from its holster and used against him, or any of the other aforementioned individuals. Consalvi was just acting like an asshole, like lots of 17-year-old high school students have done before him, and will likely do after him.

Should you get tased for acting like an asshole?

It's an interesting philosophical question. Had the officer been a little more fit, a little more fleet-of-foot, he would have easily caught up to Consalvi and tackled him to the ground and arrested him, the way streakers, etc were dealt with back in the bad old days, before hand-held devices that fired Neuro-Muscular Incapacitation jobbies that made you dance, Monkey.

And, sure, that would have been cool to watch, too-- might have even seen a replay or five on the Jumbotron, but it never would have made headline news on www.philly.com, where the kid's father states, shockingly, that his son should never have been tased. (One eloquent comment on that site stated that Consalvi's father should be tased as well. I laughed. Tases for all involved!)

But, getting back to the question: (Should you get tased for acting like an asshole?) I'm just not sure. You can act like an asshole in your basement all you want, of course, and it's nobody's business but your own. Want to sit on your basement floor, cover yourself in creosote and a wool blanket and bang pots and pans together while singing the Chinese national anthem? Hey, this is America, brother-- and a man's basement is his castle/porn-trove. Of course, when you step out into the public (and the public arena, I might add) the rules change a little bit, don't they? We can't just walk up to every beautiful woman we see strolling about in a tank-top, honk her right breast and shout "A.M.!" and honk her left breast and shout "F.M.!" because we think it's fucking hilarious and a fitting tribute to Marchese Marconi.

No.

In public, we must exercise something called restraint. And that's a challenging concept for most of us, especially seventeen-year-old kids who have hormones leaking out of their eye-sockets on a regular basis.

(.) A.M. (.) F.M.

N'yah mean?

Everybody knows stepping onto a baseball diamond while a game is in play is a bad idea. Consalvi knew it, that's why he called his daddy to tell him he was going to do it before he did it. (Dad advised against it, just so you know-- before you weigh in with whether or not Papa Consalvi ought to be visited in the night by a Taser X12.) He knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway. And then, when a police officer got behind him and shouted "STOP!", well, I'm sure Consalvi knew it was wrong to keep running.

Here's a little lesson in police vs. civilian etiquette:

When the police officer says "STOP!" that means it's game over time. Because now you're not just acting like an asshole, you're fleeing and eluding and resisting lawful arrest.

In the '70s, they shot you in the back for that. Fortunately, there were no Jumbotrons in the '70s.

Did the officer have a legal right to fire that Taser round into Consalvi's back? Most likely. Was there another alternative avenue of force to explore besides firing the Taser? Most likely. Taking out his legs with an asp (retractable baton) is always fun-- but isn't possibly breaking this kid's leg on national television maybe worse than momentarily stunning him and having him involuntarily piss himself with no after-effects other than soaked shorts and bruised pride?

Truthfully, I don't know what the answer is-- and that's rare for me, as an insufferable fucking knowitall.

Maybe, because this happened to Consalvi, people will think twice before trying to get in on the action at a sports game. Maybe, because this happened to Consalvi, people will do it more. Maybe the officer fired his Taser because he knew he couldn't catch Consalvi on his own steam, and he was worried about being embarrassed in front of his fellow officers, and 44,817 semi-inebriated sports fans. Maybe he tased Consalvi because that's what it says to do in the procedures manual that we civilians don't get to read. Maybe there are consequences to our actions, even if, to some, it's just a case of "boys being boys."

Maybe you'll really buy me a Taser for my birthday. Don't bother with the wrapping paper, Bro.