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A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Thursday, May 6, 2010

On Porn

This was originally going to be called "Ode to Porn" because I think that the poetic form most accurately encapsulates how I feel about pornography. But you know that I don't write much poetry, and I tend to shy away from things that are challenging from me. This is why I didn't take math my senior year of high school and why I try not to go food shopping alone.

A porn poem was a nice idea, though. There are lots of words that rhyme with "porn."

born
corn
adorn
forlorn
horn
bjorn (with the slash through the "o", of course)
mourn (what I would do if there was no more porn)
torn
Pete Yorn's last name totally rhymes with porn

See? A poem probably would have been no sweat. I mean, if you look at the word "poem" really quickly while squinting your eyes a little bit and jamming your fingernail into the back of your left ear, it even looks like the word "porn." That, bitchlettes, is how easy writing a poem about porn would probably be.

Note the word probably. Pornably. I just can't take the chance that it might actually be hard.

Hahahahaha. Hard.

So, there are people out there who are offended by porn. I understand that, I suppose. It's hard to imagine seating an 87-year-old Amish grammaw in front of a laptop, showing her Tommy Lee tattoo-fucking Pamela Anderson on his boat and having her not be offended. I mean, I kind of know how she feels. I'm offended that Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson even exist.

But, the Amish aren't normal, so normal laws-- just like taxes-- don't apply to them. When a normal person gets offended by pornography, it raises a red flag in my pants-- book. Sorry.

Are they offended-- or are they grossed out?

Are they grossed out-- or are they weirdly fascinated, inwardly ashamed of that weird fascination, and then, out of sheer embarrassment and guilt, take to the streets with big posters featuring the word "VAG" with a red line through it?

You know who you are, you red vag slashers, you.

The complaint I hear most about porn is that it "dehumanizes women." I don't know about that. First of all, I probably shouldn't comment on this at all, you know, because I'm not a woman and, sometimes, especially in the morning before coffee has been surgically inserted into my bloodstream and bone-marrow, I'm probably not especially human, either. However, I challenge porn-opponents to present empirical data that pornography has been directly responsible to one, just one, incidence of a woman being turned into a vole, a 1987 Ford Taurus GL, a poplar tree, or a public park drinking fountain.

Dehumanizing? Show me the evidence. Preferably in a locked room with lots of tissues.

I don't like the "dehumanizing" argument for another reason besides the lack of hard (hee-hee) evidence: it's always used in reference to women.

Um-- hi. There are guys in porn. Who do you think is always fucking them in all those annoying, shitty, 1 minute-29-second-long clips that are just long enough to pique your interest but you have to watch on loop on Windows Media Player just to be able to sustain a halfway decent erection but then it just gets annoying to listen to the stupid bitch saying, "No-- that's the wrong hole" seven times in the space of six minutes?

So, if porn dehumanizes women, shouldn't it also dehumanize guys? Funnily enough, I don't think I've ever heard of a male porn-star complain that porn "dehumanized him." Actually, I don't know that I've of a female porn star claiming that either. Seems mostly to be uptight poly-sci majors.

(Uh-oh-- let me get my helmet and my Taser X12 to prepare myself for the onslaught of saucy comments! Last time I took a gentle barb at English majors on this blog I was probably burned in effigy on Vassar's quad.)

Oh, porn-- you couldn't offend me if you tried. There is, however, lots of porn that I just won't watch.

Porn featuring

* midgets, dwarves, munchkins, little folks, ever-teenies, hydrant-people or whatever the P.C. term for Weebles is these days.

* members of the animal kingdom-- furry or otherwise. I mean, if I really wanted to watch that, I could just turn on "NOVA" or book a flight to Juarez, Mexico and see a "really good show" featuring "la virgin y la vaca. Todos se mojan!"

(Look that up if you have to-- it's gross.)

* talking. Charlie Chaplin was right-- talkies will be the death of the Tramp. And tramps. Girls in porn should never be permitted to speak anything other than "Fuck me!" because, when they do, well, it's straight to Flaccidtown. I would say that porn starlettes should all have their tongues removed, but then they wouldn't be nearly as fun-- and I'll bet some poly-sci major would be offended by that.

* copious amounts of what appears to be salad dressing being poured into a woman's gaping asshole. I mean-- why?

* plots. Please don't pretend to be fixing the rich peoples' dishwasher while the babysitter is home with, inexplicably, no baby around anywhere. Just fuck. On the table-- and put a tarp down, for Christ's sake.

* chicks or dudes dressed up as Nazis. I mean, come on. Who thinks that's a good idea?

* gynecology offices/tables/instruments. Gross.

* conjoined twins. I mean, regular twins is okay. You know-- I have some standards. Actually, maybe conjoined twins would be okay, too, depending on where they're connected, of course.

15 comments:

  1. Oh men.... You all amuse me with your thinking.

    I think some of it can be degrading. There is a person with feelings in there! She's not just a "cum dumpster" if you will.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Porn is fabulous. And hilarious. And it totally doesn't dehumanize women. People are just babies.

    Is it wrong that this post turned me on a little? Okay, okay, it turned me on a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maria--

    You said "CUM-DUMPSTER!" Let's be friends!

    CUMPSTER!

    Sara--

    That's hot.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I didn't take math senior year either! In fact, I'm a lawyer with twenty years of formal education and I've never taken calculus. I have not idea what SIN, COS, and TAN are.

    I really have nothing to say about porn.

    ReplyDelete
  5. all very good insights...i especially like the pete yorn rhyme and the put a tarp down advice.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think the word you were looking for is degrading or demeaning, not dehumanising.

    Having said that, I like me some depraving porn now and then, so whatever.

    Porn, porn, porn,
    it's bound to give you the horn.
    Massive breasts adorn
    Girls with faces forlorn.
    Sitophilia can involve corn,
    And in S&M clothing gets torn.

    Ta daa! Like it? I got nearly all the rhymes in there!

    ReplyDelete
  7. MAGPIE = FUCKING GENIUS!

    ME = DIRTY GODDAMN CUMPSTER!

    ReplyDelete
  8. For those out there who still want to get off but has some nagging feeling holding them back:

    Literotica.com

    It's a perfect little place where you can feel smart (because you're reading) but you can still masturbate to! For others who like it a little more demented but still maintain bad karma-free orgasms try:

    Nifty.org

    All things aside, I'm nothing but a supporter of porn. It's an individuals choice to go into the adult industry and they know going into it how that will reflect on them. Me, I like to talk a little shit when I watch porn. that's right, a girls a cunt when she's only using her cunt - but hey, if she's okay with it I'm okay with it. If she's not, the dumb slut should get a real job.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you, Jie Hua, for being (I think) the first female to ever say the words "cunt" and "bar karma-free orgasms" on My Masonic Apron.

    Welcome, welcome, welcome, to the club. And may you never un-follow.

    ReplyDelete
  10. How is treating women as purely sexual objects not degrading?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Um..... paying them?

    (Joke! Don't hit me. I bruise easily.)

    ReplyDelete
  12. YES, MR. APRON, YES, MR. APRON, YES! YES! OH YES!

    ummm.. 1.5mins? it's called PORNHUB.COM
    lots of sasha grey videos there. "french orgy" ones are good too. have a great weekend :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Juliana-- careful... this could have a deleterious effect on my blogging frequency/quality. I hold you personally responsible.

    ReplyDelete
  14. lay it on me - the blame that is. i'm feeling homewrecker-ish. hi, Mrs. Apron! you are one lovely young lady :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was stupendous. Laughing aloud and I don't even watch porn.

    I am, however a Poli-Sci major. Thanks a bunch.

    ReplyDelete

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