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Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Think I Want to Be the King of Some Shit

I'm having kind of a delusions-of-grandeur moment.

Maybe it's because a big-boy-sized commentary of mine just got published in the B.F.D. newspaper here (still no money, but who needs money?) or maybe it's because I'm enjoying my first three-day-weekend since birds looked like dinosaurs and had big fucking teeth and whatnots, or maybe it's because my Mommy and my Daddy told me that I was cool and coud do whatever the hell I wanted in my room and in my life.

Bear with me here, but I think I want to be the king of some shit.

What do you think? Think I would be a good king? I would totally knight you the fuck up, Bull-- if you kissed my ass a lot and moaned softly while you did it.

I think I would rock out as a king. I'm a pretty snappy dresser, so it's not like my royal wardrobe would be all like breaking the bank and shit. Plus, I dig obstructing the rights of peasants. I would wipe the floor with those oily fuckers, and make the hot female ones hook up and touch each other while I consume muttonous amounts of mutton.

I would run a Muttocrocy. Mutton for everybody! Except for the peasant chicks who refuse to make out with each other.


Another reason I think I would make a pretty smashing king is that, as you know, I'm Jewish. There haven't been a hell of a lot of Jewish kings in the centuries that have gone before this one, and I think it's about time we added a kingly notch on our belts. Although we don't exactly bring monarch-like posture to the table, I think we as a people can handle the responsibility of ruling others with an iron schnozz. Count me in, bitches: count me in.

Another reason that I'd knock the world on its tit as a king of some shit is that I'm a twofer: I'm a King and a Minstrel, all rolled up into one sexy-assed package. No need to spend doubloons or schekels or whatever the fuck on some gayboy minstrel toddling around in green gym-socks and a funny fucking hat-- I'll take care of it. As the King's Kingly Minstrel, I'll fucking entertain myself. Or, not. And, if not, I'll cut my own goddamn head off as punishment. I can do it, you'll see. I practice a lot when I'm alone. Got me through high school.

As you can probably glean, I'm pretty stoked about being the king of some shit. I don't even really care what it is. The Netherlands. Montana. This box of staples right here on my dsesk-- I'm not particular. In fact, I may be the least particular monarch since Elizabeth I, and you know how that hoebag skeezapleeza rolled, n'yah mean?

See, here's my reasoning, loyal soon-to-be subjects: for every job that I'm applying for, I seem to be overqualified. All of the jobs, though, that I want to do, require more practical experience than I have. I don't know how, exactly, one gets this supposed experience-- I guess by interning for no money while you're living in your parents' basement-- but I didn't exactly go that route. So, I figure, it's time to aim a little higher, for a job that requires no real experience, for which you can never be overqualified, and for which nobody who's ever held the position has ever been anywhere near qualified:


King of some shit.

Oh, I just can't wait to be King.


  1. Scoring above the 95th percentile is awful, isn't it? Because I opted to smoke cigarettes under the bleachers rather than go to class (or college), I now work the sort of job where not only am I smarter than everyone I work with, I'm also smarter than the freaking divisional manager.


    So anyway, hook me up with a fiefdom. I promise to completely f*ck over the serfs.

  2. Kings can force people to undulate? Where do I sign up?

  3. Margaret - What? Scoring above the 95th percentile is great. I have it on paper that I'm in the top percentile in the country/world/universe (I forget which) for abstract reasoning on some test I did. The only area I didn't get in the top 5 percentile for on that test was mechanical reasoning. I got just above the 40th percentile for that. Oh wells. That suits my philosophy career just fine (or whatever it is that I'm doing).


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