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"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

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Friday, January 1, 2010

A New Year's Revolution

Well, shit.

Here we are. It's 2010. After a night of unforgettable and yet at least partially blacked-out revelry, you're desperately hungover, your mouth smells like a used Band-Aid and, after all the retching this morning, you look like Maggie Smith in ten years.

My wife and I performed an abbreviated version of "The Pirates of Penzance" as part of a small New Jersey town's New Year's celebration, twice, came home, got into our pajamas, watched Dick Clark fumble his way through Dick Clark's Slurrin' New Year's, and then stayed up until 1:00am watching a documentary about the 1974 kidnapping of Patty Hearst by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

And shared kisses and a Ginger Ale, because it looks like champagne.

One of my decidedly less lame neighbors is, right now, pouring a seemingly endless, clanking collection of alcoholic bottles into his recycling bin. And, though it's hard to see peering out of the blinds as I am, he kind of resembles Maggie Smith.

Since we're here together on New Year's Day, though I admittedly often attempt to eschew popular sentiment and the temptation to blog about what might be expected, I suppose I ought to elucidate a resolution or two, for your benefit and mine.

* I Resolve to Let Reality TV Eat My Brain

Why fight it? I used to bitch and moan about how superior scripted television was to reality TV but, really, it's not. Scripted television comedies and dramas and dramadies and dromedaries are so contrived and overrated, with their deliberate and predictable plot-twists and culturally-ascribed dry humor, their pandering and whoring to the latest pop sensation with a guitar whose hit single they use during the last three-and-a-half minutes of the show while a sensitive montage of every central character winding down his or her day inhabits the screen.

Give me some catty scowls on "Project Runway," people, and let Tim Gunn nibble gently on my cerebellum. I don't care anymore.

* I Resolve to Eat Less Pork

My wife is very tolerant of my various aberrant behaviors and compulsions, but, when I cook bacon in the house, she gets a migraine. Now, maybe that's just a vengeful, hurt and angry God expressing his disappointment with her mate's behavior, I don't know, but I will eat fewer piggie products in 2010, per capita. I mean, there's two chicken-and-apple "sausages" waiting for me downstairs, and those fuckers are good.

* I Resolve to Accept the Superiority of Blogging Friends Over Real Friends

Why fight it? It's 2010 and this is where friendship is. You guys don't give a shit if I don't call for seven months (or, um, ever), if I forget your birthday or your daughter's communion or whatever, you send me emails frequently and you listen to what I have to say, every day, whether it makes sense or has any value whatsoever. Plus, I never have to worry that I'm going to run into you at the supermarket and have to endure an awkward, four minute conversation about how we haven't spoken to each other since high school.

You people fucking rock. Keep it up.

* I Resolve to Somehow Associate Myself with Tiger Woods to Promote My Blog

Obviously, I can only do this in a couple ways. I think what I'm going to do is start sleeping with him (he won't be able to be so choosy anymore-- if he wants, though, I'll shove a rhinestone through my cheek-- he seems to like that sort of thing). Then, to cover my tracks, I'll have My Masonic Apron become one of his official sponsors. He can wear polo shirts with my angry, gnarled man avatar embroidered on them. Then, I'll leak the story that he and I are 9-ironing in the clubhouse bathroom, and then I'll pull my sponsorship.

Just like AT&T, Studebaker Motorcars of America and Hobart Kitchen Appliances, Inc.

* I Resolve to Shop for Food in Strange Outfits

A few nights ago, I witnessed two individuals parading through the aisles of our local Genuardi's wearing old lady dresses, combat boots, and ski masks. They were being followed, not too closely, by store employees who were probably later gunned down in a bloodbath in the Mexican foods aisle. I wouldn't know, I was just there for eggs and Zip-Loc bags and I got the fuck out of there as quickly as possible. But whatever they were doing, it looked like they were having fun. And I like fun. Besides, I haven't worn an old lady dress in public since I was fourteen.

* I Resolve to Stop Giving People the Finger Inside My Pockets

This one's pretty self-explanatory. What can I say? I have a lot of anger issues.

* I Resolve to Keep My Car Clean. Inside.

Right now, the interior of my car probably looks like the basements of most guests of the Maury Povitch show. And my eight-year-old PT Cruiser deserves better than that.

* I Resolve to Get a Real Advice Column

After almost a long time of penning responses to societal dregs on my Dear Apron column, I've decided that people need a good laugh more than they need actual advice. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but, Goddamnit, I'm going to get me an advice column somehow, somewhere. I don't care if I have to let Tiger Woods fuck me in the ass to achieve it, I'll do it. At least a few times.

And, finally, a serious one:

* I Resolve to Keep Blogging

Because nothing's better for the digestion, the skin, memory retention, hemoglobin production, homeostasis, photosynthesis, and performance on standardized tests than blogging.

Happy New Year, from My Masonic Apron. It's a New Year's Revolution.


  1. All excellent resolutions...except for the pork one.

    Loved ones be damned, bacon tasts good!

    Happy New Year!

  2. Replies to your resolutions:

    1. Dr. McDreamy eating my brainstem vs. one of those crazy bitches from Real Housewives? Need I say more?

    2. Pork isn't kosher, is it?

    3. Damn right, we rock.

    4. Maybe he could start wearing an olive colored apron on Sundays with hunter green piping. It might hamper his tee off shot, but who needs to hit the ball 350 yards anyway?

    5. Leopard print and pink furry hats draws all kinds of attention and the ladies in the bakery sometimes will give you free cookies. Not that I know firsthand or anything.

    6. You should embrace the anger and do it openly. That's what I do. Very cathartic.

    7. Will you clean mine too?

    8. Jane magazine will hire anyone...anyone, I tell you.

    9. I hope so, as you really do make me smile. Cheers and happy New Year to you and yours.

  3. They weren't all serious resolutions? They sounded like good ones (except maybe for reality TV) -- going shopping wearing an old lady dress and combat boots sounds like fun, and I think you could be on to a winner with your advice column. Local papers must want something to liven up their flagging sales, you could be just the ticket.

    And damn right you better keep blogging, or else all 93 of us following you will have to start shopping at your local supermarket and make awkward conversation with you.

  4. Mmmmmm.... bacon.

    Omg I love me some Tim Gunn. I should want to have Tim Gunn over for a nice home cooked meal, I should not want to keep Tim Gunn in a ginormous glass jar in my basement. That's my mantra.

    And for what it's worth, I think you should keep flipping people off in your pants pockets. They really do deserve it 87% of the time.

    Happy New Year!

  5. Cutting back on bacon? I don't understand.

    Aside from that, all very good resolutions. Happy New Year!

  6. Everything tastes better with bacon. Everything. I made a nut mix for my Christmas party that included dried fruit and bacon. Everyone ate that shit up, including the Jewish and vegan guests. I should have told them.


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