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Friday, January 15, 2010

It's Not Shabbat Without Morons... So say "Shalom" to DEAR APRON!

Nothing says "Oy vey" like sifting through the vast and vacuous heaps of vapid tripe that gets sent to the desk of Dear Abby by the numbskulls and dunderheads of America.

So let's put on our yarmulkes and tie up our masonic aprons to tear the shit out of these letters with a healthy, happy, challah-y dose of DEAR APRON!


I'm at my wit's end at work. There's a woman in her early 30s here who is out of the closet, and very vocal about being a butch lesbian. I'm straight, happily married and 20 years older than she is.

Apron, she keeps hitting on me! I've told her I'm not interested and that I'm straight. She then makes comments that she has converted other women. She does this in front of others and it's mortifying. Yes, I'm old-fashioned and religious, and I do consider her sexual behavior immoral. I am also tired of feeling like I have to apologize for my religious beliefs.

I have spoken to my union rep, but was told not to create trouble for another union member. I'm sorry, but I don't like this sexual harassment. I want to go to HR about it, but I'm afraid it will start a riot in the union if she's fired over this complaint. There have been other complaints about her harassing people. Please advise. -- BEING HARASSED IN ILLINOIS


Honey... Sweet Cheeks... Wet Lips... come on. You're not being harrassed you're being complimented-- didn't they teach you the difference in Sunday School?

I've got to tell you, the fact that this well-meaning employee wants nothing more than to become muff-buddies with you is very telling and, frankly, wonderful. I mean you must be one hot dish to be so relentlessly and aggressively sought after.

Unless, of course, you're both fucking dogs-- which, I admit, is a possibility that I'd rather not consider while I'm home alone and seated naked on the floor in the lotus position.

Your defensive, unwelcoming, and, frankly, prickly attitude about this whole situation is very unfortunate, and it speaks, I feel, to a much larger problem in this society and that is a proclivity towards litigiousness. Everybody is just itching to sue the pubes off each other these days, and most people are ready to do so before they've even considered alternative courses of action.

And that is sad.

So I ask you, darling, have you considered alternative courses of action?

Have you thought, for instance, about what it might feel like to wear this co-worker's vagina as a hat?

Have you even humored the possibility that attaching some sort of vegetable-shaped projectile to your waist and drilling the hell out of this bitch in the copy supply closet might actually be enjoyable for both parties involved?

Have you ever thought about installing hidden cameras in every room of your house and inviting this coworker of yours over, dressing up like Popeye and letting her violate you with a can of creamed spinach?

Have you ever thought maybe, just maybe, spending an hour or two Gorilla-glued to this woman whilst hanging upsidedown in a harness and having your genitals pierced with a sterilized steel rod might actually be better for your overall life experience, morale, longevity and overall countenance than dragging this woman to some boring, clothed HR proceeding?

I'm going to guess that you haven't given these alternatives due consideration. Well, my dear: you go run along and do that.


I'm a 26-year-old minor league baseball player. I have been involved in two serious relationships. My first was a girl I became engaged to when I was 20 and in college playing baseball there. I loved her and was committed to her, but she was jealous of my "first love" -- my sport. She constantly tried in subtle ways to get me to quit. After we had a huge fight, she finally threw my ring back at me.

I stayed single for a couple of years and then met a woman and began slowly dating her. The first year our relationship was good, but over the next three years the same issues arose and I was hearing, "You're selfish." "You don't love me." "Grow up!"

Being a professional baseball player has been my dream since I was 5, and I'm not ready to give up on it yet. Both these women continue to call and text me crying because it didn't work out. I'm angry at them for not supporting me, but I also feel sad for them because all they did was love me. What do I do about them and about trusting women with my heart and dreams? -- LOVELESS IN THE MIDWEST


Here's my first question: do you use performance-enhancing drugs? Sorry, it's first on the list of questions I ask anybody who is engaged in sports on any level. My guess is that you do and, if that's the case, then I've got to tell you, continued use of steroids is going to make your nuts dry up like raisins. Prolonged steroid use also increases your chance of thrombosis, stroke, sudden acceleration, unexpected de-icing, AIDS, catalytic converter failure, permature conflagration, amniocentesis, and spontaneous circumcision.

Say no to drugs, man. Didn't they teach you that in Sunday School?

Oh, and you're never going to make it to the Majors, so I wouldn't worry about it.


Our son, "Sam," is a senior in high school and has chosen a college that will suit his major. Now, all of a sudden, his girlfriend, "Amanda," has decided she wants to attend the same school. We'd like to discourage it because we know she's only going there to be close to our son. We feel she needs to get out on her own as much as Sam does.

Sam has tried to break up with her in the past, but she makes him feel guilty about breaking it off. We have talked to our son about her and her behavior. He is a bright kid, but seems not to be smart where Amanda is concerned.

Please help us figure out a way to make Sam understand the kind of position he's putting himself in. Amanda is needy and spoiled. She has never had to work for anything. Our son holds down two jobs and seems very independent -- so why is he coddling her? -- HELP NEEDED IN WISCONSIN


Aw... life is so hard for you, isn't it?

It's so hard having the perfect, Oak-tree-tall, rugged, handsome, industrious, intelligent, Wisconsonion, salt-of-the-earth, heart-of-gold son and his wicked, clingy, spoiled, wretched, rotten girlfriend.

I don't even like the pseudonym you picked for her. "Amanda." Ewwwww!

Look, you asked me a direct question, so I'm going to answer you directly.

"...why is he coddling her?"

One word: her tight, sloopity, yummy vagina.

Why the hell else would he do it? What are you, too stupid to breathe? Look, I know you're from the Midwest, but get a fucking clue, you goddamn Lutheran. Didn't they teach you about pussy in Sunday School?

It's funny, you think Sam is so smart, right? That's what you think, isn't it? Really, though, it's Amanda who's smart. Think about it-- she's got her little, manicured claws into your fabu little boy over there, who works two jobs just to be able to take her out to the movies and buy her thong panties at Vicky's Secret and all she has to do is wear them and parade around in her bedroom in front of the old web cam. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, orchestrated by one smart cookie, and her name is Amanda.

Trust me, your son ain't so great. And he'll never make it to the Majors either.


My problem is I attract needy people. I don't have a problem setting boundaries. However, those boundaries are frequently crossed because the person is so self-absorbed that he/she "can't hear" me.

How does one draw the line with a complete stranger who wants to tell me her whole life story the first time we meet, and sucks away my energy and my time? I feel like the individual isn't even talking to me. She might as well be talking to herself or to a wall for all I care.

Apron, I do not want to continue being taken hostage by these kinds of people. I'm not interested in their lives or troubles. I have enough of my own. I don't want to be unkind, but I haven't found a way to protect myself from being forced to invest time in needy acquaintances with whom I do not wish to pursue a relationship. I am not a total (rhymes with witch), but I am definitely ... BAFFLED IN VERO BEACH, FLA.

Dear Baffled:

Your name wouldn't be "Sam," would it?


  1. Dear Mr. Apron,

    Am I going to make it to the Majors? If not, should I discontinue my current steroid usage? (For context, I am a lady, so raisin-sized-or-smaller testicles are actually kind of ideal for my situation.) -- NOT A GODDAMN LUTERAN

  2. LUTHERAN* either. I can only assume this is one of the side effects. Or else I just suck at spelling because I'm a lady-dude.

  3. Dear Dat Kinda Goil,

    You are totally going to make it to the Majors. I can feel it in my pancreas.

    Spelling errors are not necessarily a side-effect of steroid use. If you keep shooting up, though, your eyeballs will eventually, as a matter of course, turn into pimento olives.

  4. One question: You can get into the lotus position?

  5. Dear Apron,

    I am writing to inform you that you made the short list on my most recent post.


    Baffled in Vero Beach


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