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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Blog of the Month

Harken ye to this proclamation:

I have been nominated to be the Featured Blogger for the month of February on

Debonair and talented Brit Duke Fandango is the one who initiated the madness, and a few of my stalwart supporters have lent their voices to second and third and fourth the motion. If you want to throw your weight and/or naughty bits behind me, go right ahead.

I'm not going to win, but that's okay. After all, what would winning get me? Some more exposure? A few more followers? A potential lawsuit? A box of biscuits? You never know, but I distinctly lack the 20something star-power necessary to attain such a lofty feat. Plus, my blog isn't networked on Facebook and I don't tweet every time I touch myself in the shower, so, the deck is kind of stacked against me. Just like it is in life!

However, learning that I was graciously nominated as Blogger of the Month got me to thinking about other "of the Month" type enterprises and their appeal. Beer, cheese, wine, gifts, it seems like you of-the-month-club almost anything in this consumption-happy country of ours! Every good-natured WASP knows about the Omaha Steaks Steak of the Month club, where you can wow your friends and family with a different honkin' cut of marbleized meat every month! iGourmet has a Coffee of the Month club which I'm sure is very popular amongst the jittery, trembling, buzz-craving masses. There are lots of Candy of the Month clubs, and even some in Canada, my little canuckian beauties. I don't know what they send you-- maybe a box of peppermint sticks for December and maybe a couple pair of edible panties for February.

Speaking of undies, will send you a pair of genuine, though I believe non-edible underwear of the sexylicious variety every month, and you can either choose which panties you'd like to receive, or you can opt for their "Random Panty" deal where they choose for you. Frankly, I think they missed a brilliant marketing opportunity there by not going with "Randy Panty," but what do I know?

I have to say, while we're on this subject and I am semi-erect, I was somewhat amused and bemused by the names for the different panties. You can choose from Sexy Panty, Naughty Panty, Hot Panty, Erotic Panty, Daring Panty, Risque Panty, Exotic Panty and a couple others. Is it just me, or do those all sound like they would be essentially the same thing: a strip of cloth thinner than most children's pinkie fingers with vag pouring out on either side? Call me cynical, but I think they need to come up with some more colorful adjectives. How about "Siberian Panty" with fur lining or the "Devastator Panty?" with, like, I don't know-- fucking studs and snow chains on it or something. They could do "The Berlin Wall Panty" and graffitti it and have barbed wire going along the crotch. That would be cool.

There's nothing funnier, though, in my opinion, than the notion, or the reality of the Crotchless Panty. I mean, I get the idea, obviously, but it's nothing than a sexy version of the nursing bra. And that's not very sexy. I mean, as far as panties go-- either wear them, or don't. And don't expect me to spend $57.95 to send you a month's supply of undies with a big hole in the middle.

Any of you.

I was trying to brainstorm some ideas for good Of-the-Month Clubs that do not yet exist but that I think would benefit this society as a whole. Feel free to chime in with your thoughts, too!

* Sweatpant of the Month Club

In this day and age, as the average waistband of the American dolt is expanding with seemingly no end (or feet) in sight, why not put a smile on your portly friend or coworker's face with a gift from the Sweatpant of the Month Club? They'll love the soft, plush 100% cotton shell and easy-to-tie elastic corded waistband, and these sweatpants come in a dizzying array of fashionable colors like Banana Yellow, '80s Turqouise, and Non-Committal Gray. Our sweatpants are also Teflon-coated to resist those pesky mayonnaise, bacon-grease, vomit, and relish stains that are so prevalent with today's consumer. Sizes start at 2XL and go all the way up to Peterbilt-Quintuppa-X.

* Machete of the Month Club

Our motto at Machete of the Month is "You Just Can't Ever Have Too Many Serrated, Edged Weapons." Our 9-18-inch blades slice through a human crack-dealer's cranium as easily as the plump, soft belly of a sleeping infant-- you wouldn't believe the cutting dynamics! Order now and we'll throw in a free autographed Croccodile Dundee leather boomer-knife holster with quick-draw snap action for those pesky 3:00am back-alley attacks.

* Prostitute of the Month Club

In the mood for Chinese? Well, you won't be hungry half-an-hour later after a visit from Li Quo, Silken Goddess of Manchuria, just one of the exciting HIV-free prostitutes who will engage in any sexual act (excluding anal revisionst theory and parallel bars) with you and/or your friends every single month for one calendar year. No need to rent out a dingy room at a seedy motel-- we'll send these whores straight to your door so your whole family can benefit from the unique sexual instruction and athletic prowess of professional sex artists like "Frank/ie," the Confusing Testicular Wonder, "Semenia," Siren of the Salty Seas, and a very special 4'9" girl who goes simply by "Beef."

* Vengence of the Month Club

Pissed off at your boss? Like to slit his motherfucking throat? Well, then visit our friends at Machete of the Month Club, but, if it's a little vengence you're after, then stick with us! Just give us a list of names, addresses, phone numbers, social security numbers, places of employment of your 12 least favorite shitheads, and one of our experienced Vengexperts will pay them a little visit. They'll never have to know it was you! Maybe one will get sugar in his gas-tank, or goat feces spread all over the interior of his brand new Audi A6. Maybe a death threat to his grandmother written in ejaculate on the master bathroom mirror. Who knows? We're pretty creative at Vengence of the Month Club, so call now to inquire about our special promotional rates and specials. Vengence, it's sweet-- especially once a month!


  1. You kick ass and deserve that nomination! If I were 20 something, I too would have nominated you, but ya know, I'm old n' shit...
    and I will take the tuna jelly panties, please...

  2. 'Tis deserved sir.

    They may not do anal revisionist theory but I know for a fact that the oral deconstruct is appreciated by many discerning modernists.

  3. I like the idea of a Vengeance of the Month club.

  4. This vengeance of the month club- could you nominate the same people more than once? like twice for everyone? or one person every month? I would love a pamphlet, or a website for more info on that one...

  5. I hope you're a copywriter. You're hilarious. And this post in particular sounds like someone who's sick of writing marketing/ad copy. Haha.

  6. Dear No One (that sounds weird),

    Haha. Thank you for the compliment, but, no. I was only ever paid for my writing three times. Once was a short story competition I won when I was a seventh grader, and it earned me $5.00.

    Next was a commentary I wrote that got published by the Cincinnati Enquirer-- they sent me $75.00, which is a pretty dramatic increase over the $5.00. Of course, I routinely get published in my hometown papers who don't pay me anything.

    And I wrote a book, which cost me more in photocopying, research, and postage sending the manuscript copies to agents, editors, and publishers than I ended up making once it got published.

  7. As a copywriter, I can tell you that getting paid to write is not all it's cracked up to be. Glad you commented on that RIP post so humorously and that made me curious enough to check out your page. You're funny.

    But I wish I got a prize for being 100th. Then I'd've liked you that much more. ;)

    -Maria (or No One works)

  8. I saw crotchless panties for the first time ever this past weekend at the hustler store on bourbon st. I at first thought they were some kind of shoulder straps. For what I don't know, but I had to have some creepy hunch back explain to me what they were. I was scared, so I just bought my lube and booked it.

  9. Seriously, you wrote a book? I'll take two copies, please.


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