Some Random Thoughts (Because I'm Snarky & Random!)

Some mornings, it's just too difficult to write cogent, cohesive content.

You know how it is.

* On http://www.20sb.net/ there is a discussion topic that asks the question: "Should you all move to Canada?" The answer, of course, is "NO!" This is like saying, "Earth blows-- let's all move to Saturn and play bumper-cars on the rings." Also, if we all moved to Canada, then it would just be filled with gun-toting, burger-scarfing, reality-TV-loving, fucking annoying Americans-- so how would that improve things for anyone?

* I was very surprised this morning to see that "The Today Show's" first piece was on Hurricane Ida. What the hell happened to "if it bleeds, it leads." Shouldn't they still be mercilessly obsessing over the Fort Hood massacre and making unsubstantiated assumptions about the suspect? Oh, wait-- that was story two.

* Speaking of "The Today Show," when are the people standing outside there screaming every morning going to look at themselves in the mirror and realize how mental they are? Jesus-- I know you're all unemployed, but you could at least be at Starbucks sponging off their free internet going on Monster.com or something. I mean, Christ, at least pretend, people.

* The guy who drives the black Passat wagon and always parks it the wrong way on our street got taken away in an ambulance yesterday. He's always freaking out, screaming at his kids and his dog, so it's no wonder that he popped a gasket. The paramedics walked him out to the truck, because they're lazy motherfuckers. I just shook my head and smiled. "Always put patients on the goddamn stretcher," my EMS instructor said to us back in the day, "I don't care how fucking ugly or fat they are. Never walk a patient to an ambulance-- it just looks bad."

And it did.

* My coffee tastes like Windex. I know it's economical and wise to make coffee at home, but God, does it have to taste so bad?

* I listen to the same Pandora radio station every day at work. It plays the same thirty-or-so songs over and over and over again. Does this mean I have Asperger's Syndrome?

* Isn't it funny that listening to the news on NPR makes you a pretentious liberal snob in certain peoples' eyes, and watching FOX News makes you an inspid conservative maniac in other peoples' eyes? Aren't both types better than the assholes who don't listen to the news at all? Oh, wait-- there's always the people who get their news from "The Daily Show." They're the REAL smart ones.

* Is David Hasselhoff human?

* If you've ever actually peed in your pants from fear, or while reading a post on this blog, drop me an email. Let's talk.

* Why don't the Jews have an equivalent of crossing yourself like those kooky Catholics do? I've always thought we could, like, make a Star of David on our chests, but, when I try it, I always get lost in how many lines I'm supposed to draw. I mean, it's just two triangles, but try drawing it on your chest with your fingers-- it's pretty fucking involved.

* Is it possible for a funny person to one day just be not funny anymore? I mean, besides David Letterman. Let's face it-- the only thing that was ever funny about this guy was his dentition.

* Will there ever be another famous person named "Buzz?"

* If you're a woman and you had a dildo within your grasp as a burglar entered your room at night, would you attack him with it?

* Just out of curiosity-- if I put a "DONATE" button on my blog, would you, like, give me money and shit?

* During a business meeting, have you ever wanted to run up to the guy in the shirt-and-tie combo giving the PowerPoint presentation and just, like, I don't know-- jump on his back and start riding him around the room like he's a donkey and you're Juan Valdez?

* I used to think that only teenage boys got aroused and random, socially-inappropriate times. But I still do. So, look out everyone.

* I wish I wasn't an artistically-frustrated, money-loving Jewish asthmatic with scoliosis and bad vision. It's so cliche.

* My sideburns are out of control. There should be government intervention or, at least, a sitcom.

* My dog fell down the stairs last night. He's fine, though. It was just dark. Right?

* Why are there always "Free Mumia," "Free Rogers Lacaze," "Free the NY3," "Free Assata Shakur," "Free Leonard Peltier," "Free-So-and-So" websites for convicted cop-killers but there aren't any websites advocating for the release of convicted killers of regular people?

* Why do old ladies love cats, lace doilies, wallpaper, and wingback chairs?

* I love using my debit card. I hate writing checks.

* Every now and then, the fact that I have to be anonymous on this blog annoys the shit out of me. Even more than writing checks does.

* I should be outside raking leaves right now, but I'd rather drink a gallon of Drano and run myself over with the PT Cruiser.

* I don't mind that I'm starting to go gray. I do mind that I'm starting to go gray and that I still get zits, though. Pick one, Jesus.

* I respect Job, but I don't think we could have been friends if we met in high school.

* This list is too goddamn long. Do you people actually read this shit?

* If you TASED a child on Halloween, say "HEY!"