Friends with Benefits

Friends with benefits?

I want some of those!

Oh, not to have sex with-- that's naughty!-- although I am under the impression that this is the universally-understood definition of the term "friends with benefits" (FWB for short).

Sometimes, we go out for coffee. Sometimes, I put my dick inside her and move it around till I cum. Then we joke about videos of cats on YouTube and consume Frito Lay products. Then, I do that thing with my dick again. Then we go out for Fro-Yo.

Yeah, I'm not really interested in that. See-- I'm married. And straight. And male. And Jewish. And I want to paint your fingernails.

(Shhh, that's kind of a secret.)

But I've decided recently, in therapy, actually, that I sort of want friends. So, um, look out. You could be on the short-list. If it sweetens the deal: I often pay for meals/coffee. But, I want my friends to come with benefits. You know, because having a friend that you trust, can talk to about possibly anything or maybe everything just isn't enough of a benefit. Not really. Sharing interests, debating topics, enjoying cultural offerings, sorting through the mysteries and complications of the world isn't quite sufficient. Call me Greedy, but, to quote a certain Mer-person: I want more.

Here's the kind of benefits I'm looking for:

I want a friend from whom I can get a good skin-graft, should the need arise. So, bearing that in mind, I'm going to look for, in a friend, skin that I not only secretly covet, but that could, in the event of an avulsion or other dermatologically-related injury/emergency, look good on me. Hey-- by the way: remember that scene from "Silence of the Lambs"?

Someone who looks good in my own throw-up. This is one of the litmus-tests the Romans used to see if they'd found a friend who was a keeper or not. Think of the number of situations where you could conceivably vomit on a friend. A friend who doesn't get all annoying or bent out of shape if you should happen to raulgpf all over him/her is a major plus, and one that you couldn't possibly ever really appreciate until the time arises. It would be really advantageous and preferable for me to have a friend I can guiltlessly hose with my forceful, rancid emesis.

Having a friend who is more racist than I am would be a significant benefit to me. I think people are self-conscious about just how racist they are, and going out to the mall or to Barnes & Noble with a friend who is just a shade more racist than you are would, I think, greatly decrease any inner pang of guilt or uncertainty you might feel about your own inherent racism. When looking for a friend, remember not to discount the level of their racist attitudes as compared to your own.

Going through life being pally-wals with a miserable, slovenly, coke-snorting, porn-addicted pimple-popper wouldn't hurt your self-image either. Remember: nothing says "SELF-ESTEEM BOOSTER" like being seen in the company of a fat chick.

I think it would be beneficial in lots of ways to be friends with the Pope. Popes, for whatever reason, tend to speak lots of languages, and I can't think of many things that are more beneficial than hanging out with some dude who speaks, like, twelve languages-- especially if you're thinking of doing lots of traveling. Granted, the Pope might be a little bit of a Debbie Downer on a road-trip, but you'll never be at a loss for how to ask important questions like, "Is this soup vegan?" "Where's the toilet?" and "Are you sure you're 18?" as long as your poly-lingual friend is around.

In his funny fucking hat, of course.