2010: So Long, Go Fuck Yourself, I Love You.

I'm going to make fun of news stories that happened in 2010. You'll undoubtedly be more amused by reading assuredly similar, though professionally edited and carefully crafted pieces in "The Onion," written by skinny Jewish guys who probably look a lot like me, the only difference is that they get paid for this shit, and I do not. Oh, and they also probably get laid a lot more.

January 12 - Haiti Earthquake

A 7.0 magnitude earthquake rocked Port-au-Prince, destroying the country's infrastructure and killing 230,000 people. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad maintains that the earthquake was a hoax and that the 230,000 Haitians believed dead are on vacation in the south of France.

January 19 - Scott Brown elected to Senate

On January 19th, Republican senate candidate Scott Brown shocked the political world by defeating Martha Coakley, eliminating the Democratic super-majority in the senate. The world was even more shocked to learn that Brown used to be a witch who eschews masturbation.

January 21 - Conan's last "Tonight Show"

He's on TBS now or something, so who cares? The only thing that matters is that "SouthLAnd" is back, bitches, on TNT. January 4th-- 10pm, EST. By the way-- I'm amazed, and proud, that, in America, even awkward-looking redheads can get TV shows.

January 27 - Apple unveils the iPad

Apple Inc. CEO Steve Jobs is now hard at work to come up with something that can possibly top the creative apex that is the iPad, and he is going to announce shortly the release of the iMaxipad. And, if you'll forgive the editorializing, though brilliant it is, I would highly recommend purchasing the moisture-resistant case.

January 28 - Toyota Pedal Recall

Toyota recalled approximately 5 million vehicles because of sudden acceleration issues, and smug assholes the world over suddenly regretted their decision to purchase these anonymous gasoline-sippers. Toyota President Akio Toyoda refused repeated requests for him to commit suicide (like any decent, disgraced Chinese business exec would have done) and he was unable to explain why his last name has a fucking "d" in it.

February 19 - Tiger Woods apologizes

At a press coference, Tiger Woods said he was sorry about the baker's dozen affairs he had in spite of his smokin' wife. His apology was a little muffled due to the copious amounts of slut poon still residing in his mouth.

February 24 - Sea World employee killed by whale

A trainer was killed by an orca whale who grabbed the trainer's pony-tail during a show and pulled her underwater. Unrepentant Sea World executives said that they had told the trainer repeatedly to go for a pixie-cut and to stop shampooing with Plankton Essence.

March 15 - Full body scanners installed

Oh, come on. Just make up your own joke, folks.

March 23 - Obama signs health care into law

Hopeless slack ass twenty-somethings who can now stay on mommy and daddy's insurance rejoice. Nobody understands the new healthcare legislation, neither do I, so it's kind of difficult to make fun of it. So, I'll just say something silly, like "knockers."

April 14 - Iceland volcano eruption

While there was no reported loss of life due directly to the eruption, thirty-seven western news anchors and correspondents killed themselves due to the unrelenting pressure of having to learn how to pronounce "Eyjafjallajokull."

You can feel free to pick up where I've left off in the comments section. There's good material, yo. "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Christine O'Donnell, Ireland's finances imploding, that chick smokin' the bong. Go for it. Hopefully, you'll be drunk or hung over when you comment-- I love you when you're sloppity.