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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Attracting the Coloreds

Ever since a bird shat in my eye, I guess you could say I've become... I don't know... interested (?) in birds.

After all, they are interesting, aren't they? And they're all around us, too. Everywhere you look there's a goddamn bird, chirping its beak off or, you know, shitting in your eye (good luck!) and so it's only natural, I guess, to be interested in birds. There are whackjobs out there with binoculars that would make the Israeli army jealous who just sit in tall grass barely farting just waiting to catch a half-second glimpse of a Bavarian parakeet or a red-titted prechaboo.

Some of these people are even married.

Me? I don't know much about birds. But, in recent days, my radar has definitely been perked up a little bit as concerns these fluttery, flittery little jibbits. I was particularly piqued last week when my wife and I were watching some insipid television program and we saw a commercial that left me somewhat baffled.

It was an ad for birdseed, from the Scotts Miracle-Gro Company which, apparently, is "dedicated to a beautiful world." Which is nice for them. This particular commercial was an advertisement for a new kind of birdseed they're peddling called, "Songbird Selections Colorful Bird Blend."

The commercial promises "More Colorful Birds in Every Bag" and, while I question the taste of such a tagline (it conjures an image, in my mind, at least, of a dozen-or-so eviscerated parrots, cardinals, and bluejays dumped together, mass-grave-style, in a Whole Foods sack) I also question, well, everything else about this product.

First of all, how the fuck do these people know what kind of food colorful birds eat? Were questionnaires doled out to the Lilac-Breasted Roller club members at their annual meeting at the Des Moines Holiday Inn? I'm almost frightened to think of how this food was product-tested. Can you picture a robin strapped to a cold, clinical exam gurney (stirrups?) having lots of different birdseed dumped into its forcibly-opened beak until just the right mixture was discerned?

I'm sorry, but I just find it difficult to believe that there is a birdseed out there that gaily-colored birds are all like, "Hot damn! This shit is what we crave!" and other, boring birds are like, "Meh." See, there are product claims that are just too outlandish to be believed, and I think that this kind of speaks for itself. But I'm not so convinced that this is just another case of a company peddling schlock to morons hoping to make a fast buck by making wildly unsubstantiated claims and then putting an asterisk after them to cover their cowardly, pimply asses.

("Attracts up to 2x more colorful birds* *Results may vary by region and/or season. When compared to ordinary wild bird food blends.")

Scott's website claims that "Songbird Selections" products were designed by orinthologists, but I'm not so sure. I'm thinking maybe these wild bird food blends were designed by, oh, I don't know...


Picture it. You've got a bunch of scientists-- they're all white, of course, maybe an Asian or an Indian thrown in there for good measure-- sitting around a labratory with some birds strapped to gurneys and these d-bags are sitting around reading "Playboy" and smoking cigars-- real "old boys club" kinda deal-- and they're talking some shit about, "What sort of bird food can we concoct to attract, you know-- the coloreds?"

Colorful-- coloreds-- same diff, right?

And so they sit there, making projections and assumptions and judgments about what kind of birdseed colored birds would want to eat.

Have you ever taken the time to examine the ingredients contained in a bag of Scott's Songbird Selections?

Black Oil Sunflower (Black, huh?)
Collard Greens
Thistle Seed
Fried Chicken
Niger Seed (that's no joke, people-- Niger Seed-- for real)
Sunflower Chips
Jazz Music
White Millet
Canary Seed
Pam Grier's vagina
Shaquille O'Neal
Red Millet
Juniper Berries

Now, you can't tell me that those ingredients aren't downright racist. I mean-- Juniper Berries? Come on, Scott.

To further my contention that the Scott Miracle-Gro company is manufacturing a racist product, in the 1950s in the Jim Crow South, Scott Miracle-Gro was the leading supplier of food products to segregated diners, restaurants, and luncheon counters. Remember those COLOREDS ONLY signs? Yeah. Thanks, Scott Miracle-Gro. Way to be dedicated to that "more beautiful world."


  1. I saw that commercial just the other day. My first words after viewing it?

    "Those fucking racists."

    Glad to see I'm not the only one seeing the evil in Scott Miracle-Gro.

  2. I want to be offended, but I can't. This cracked me up.


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