Your Father's Gay. At Least You Heard it From... DEAR APRON!

A nap on the couch.

A nap on the hammock.

A nap with your head by the toilet bowl with your new striped tie getting absolutely saturated and stained inside the toilet bowl.

Ah, Father's Day...

Thank God that horseshit's over, because it's time for a more 55% more avuncular edition of...

DEAR APRON:

I have been in a relationship with a great guy, "Jonah," for four months. We get along well and enjoy a lot of the same things. At times he can be jealous when other men notice me, but we have never had arguments about it. Only one thing about me really bothers him -- it's my infatuation with actor Mark Wahlberg.

Jonah is so upset about it he refuses to see any of Mark's films with me and gets annoyed when I mention him. It irks me because I know being with Mark isn't a realistic option, but Jonah acts like it is. What can I say to make him see that he (Jonah) is the only one I want to be with and Mark is just a fantasy? -- STAR-CROSSED LOVER

DEAR STAR-CROSSED LOVER:

I'm sorry-- I don't get this at all. Are you talking about Mark Wahlberg, the star of such films as "We Own the Night", "Boogie Nights" and "I Heart Huckabees" (seriously, he was in that-- but I had to IMDB it to make sure)? Or are you referring to Mark L. Walberg, the cloying, sychophantic chimp-douche from "Antiques Roadshow"? I mean, I could see it going either way, frankly, depending on your tastes. I hear both of them are killer in the sack.

I wonder if either of them are Jewish. Not that that's at all relevant in any way, I just... wonder about that.

Sometimes.

Regardless of whichever M.W. hottie-pants you're talking about, I think Jonah has some serious insecurity issues that he ought to address. Then, after addressing those issues, he should probably kill himself because, really, compared to Mark Wahlberg and Mark L. Walberg, he's basically just a worthless piece of shit. Whether one, both, or neither of them are Jewish.

DEAR APRON:

I am being married at the end of the summer. It will be a formal wedding. I have a biological father I see once or twice a year, and a stepfather who has been a big part of my life.

I would prefer my stepfather to walk me down the aisle, but I feel guilty about what my biological father and other relatives might think. Should I worry about their opinions or just do what makes me comfortable? -- TOUCHY DECISION IN OHIO

DEAR TOUCHY DECISION:

Yes, you should worry about their opinions, and no, you should not just do what makes you comfortable. Thank you for writing. You are very brave.

P.S. Where the fuck's my invitation, you whore? You can forget about that Keurig.

DEAR APRON:

Our daughter "Melanie" is finishing her master's degree in social work. She's excited about pursuing her future career; however, when we tell our friends about her, we get disappointing -- and sometimes, hurtful -- responses. Some samples: "Whose idea was that?!" "You know she's going to starve, don't you?" "Oh ... they don't make much money," and, "I'm sorry!" These comments come from people with whom we've had warm relationships for years.

We know our daughter won't be rich. That's not her objective. We're proud of Melanie's choice and how hard she has prepared. We think she'll be a wonderful social worker. We have always been supportive of our friends' children and their choices. Is there a way to respond to these people without being rude? -- PROUD PARENTS IN DES MOINES

DEAR PROUD PARENTS OF SOON-TO-BE IMPOVERISHED CHILD IN WHO CARES, IOWA:

I'm sorry that you have to deal with people who give insensitive and unsolicited responses to the fact that your daughter is a burgeoning social worker. You should not only be receiving supportive comments, but monetary donations because, let me tell you, that bitch is done for. Soon, she'll be making her own clothes out of used tea bags and brushing her teeth with twigs covered in rat poison.

Fortunately, she'll most likely burn out on social work after a year or two, at which point she will either be institutionalized in one of our nation's finest, fleeting state psychiatric hospitals and/or spending inordinate amounts of time poking around in dumpsters outside vacant Blockbuster Video stores muttering to herself about treatment plans.

DEAR APRON:

After moving out of your parents' home, is one expected to knock on the door when visiting, or is it OK to just open the door and walk in? -- HEY MOM, I'M HOME!

DEAR HEY MOM, I'M A LESBIAN!:

I don't know. A knock on the door is just so... predictable. So formulaic. So... boring.

Personally, I've always been a big fan of thinking outside the box-- you know what I mean? Instead of a knock on the door, why not try something new, like attaching a pound or two of C-4 to the garage and detonating it to announce your arrival?

Nothing says, "Hey, guys, I hope you made extra egg salad because I'm visiting for dinner!" like hurling a Molotov Cocktail through the second-floor bathroom window or climbing up on the roof and taking a big, heaping shit down the chimney. If you're really ambitious, try dressing up all in black with a black ski-mask and making terroristic threats to your parents in a Northern Irish accent through a megaphone while standing on the front lawn playing with yourself?

Points for creativity, man.

Mad.

Points.