Well, Tongue My Groove and Let's Bomb MOVE, It's... DEAR APRON!

Partly because I'm too lazy to come up with a completely original post, and mostly to allay your fears that "My Masonic Apron" is henceforth going to become some randomly tearful, mushy-assed, goateed Daddy Blog, I decided to bend you over the sofa and forcibly introduce you to another fondlicious edition of...

DEAR APRON:

"Kyle" and I have been good buddies for 10 years. The problem is I'm crazy about his younger sister. She and I have been talking over the last few months. Kyle knew we were talking in the beginning, and he told her to stay away from his friends. I think I understand his reasons, and I tried to talk to him on my own.

Kyle said he doesn't want to deal with me calling him eventually about problems that may arise between me and his sister.

Now when I hang out with her we have to be secretive. I would like to be open about being with this awesome girl. Can you please help me? -- JOHN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR JOHN:

As a fellow Pennsylvanian, I feel I am uniquely qualified to give advice on matters such as these, and I'm glad you came to me, even though you neglected to come up with a clever, alliterative pseudonym-- like "Passionate for Paul's Sister in Pennsylvania". Of course, you'd have to have changed "Kyle" to "Paul" for that to work, but you weren't clever enough to think of that, and for that, I challenge you to a duel. Shall we say pistols at dawn?

Now, John-- from one Pennsylvanian to another, let's level with each other here. A Pennsylvanian's relationship with one's sister is a... special thing. It may well be that Kyle is especially possessive of his younger sister because he may have, you know, intentions for her. Trust me: you don't want to get into an incest turf-war, love triangle, cumming match with your best bud.

If, however, you are absolutely insistent on pursuing this chick, you might want to ease your way into this episode of "Family Ties" by offering Kyle a three-way. To make it less awkward, if you decide to go that route and end up moaning out his name as he massages your balls while your dick is undulating inside his sister's mouth, you might want to call him "Paul".

DEAR APRON:

I am a 48-year-old single male. I teach an adult Sunday school class. Two women who have joined our group have made it plain they would like to have a romantic relationship with me.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I'd like to meet someone special, too, but I'm not certain this is the right way. Please advise. -- TROUBLED TEACHER IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TROUBLED TEACHER IN THE SOUTH:

Let me get this straight: two women made it plain that they want to have a romantic relationship with you? Do they want to do it at the same time? Are we talking about a southern-fried two-fer? Jesus Christ-- that's better than fucking some Pennsylvanian's sister!

If you don't do this: you are totally gay. Don't ever write to me again. Unless it is to say, "Pistols at dawn."

DEAR APRON:

I need your help with a problem I'm having with my husband, "Fred." He is very territorial over his laptop and other personal items such as his phone. It is so bad that I'm not even allowed to hold his phone -- even if he is trying to show me a video on it. His laptop is password-protected.

I have asked Fred numerous times why so much privacy, and he says, "Because these things are mine." I feel as if he is hiding something. I know I shouldn't be paranoid, but since he was unfaithful in the past, I have my suspicions. Please let me know what I can do to solve this. -- LEFT OUT IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR LEFT OUT:

You're right, you shouldn't be paranoid. People who have paranoid ideations are evil and bad and wrong, and everybody is out to kill them. Their apple-sauce is poisoned, their cars are rigged with C-4 explosives, and there are water-resistant videocameras hidden inside their toilet bowls. I am coming to Little Rock to put a fucking bullet through your eye, just like Moe Green at the Tropicana.

Pistols. At. Dawn.