You Won't Find This Want Ad on Craigslist, Bitches

They say you can't buy experience. Then again, they also say you can't buy happiness, but I'll bet that anybody who's ever nailed a Taiwanese prostitute will tell you that you can definitely rent it.

Every employer, it seems, wants somebody with experience. And not just a piddling one year's worth, either. No, those days are definitely over, I guess because employers have realized what I've always known in the back of my mind, and that's that pretty much all you do the first year of any job is fuck up royally.

Maybe that's why I only last around a year or so at most jobs.

Many white-collar jobs want even more experience than 3-5 years. 5-7 is a number I saw frequently when I was sifting through endless, dead-end jobs back in the heady days of, um, August. The thought of being at a job-- any job, really-- for 5-7 years is kind of inconceivable to me, and kind of makes me want to cut out my own tongue, shit it out, put it in a blender, skull-fuck some Taiwanese prostitute and then pour the shredded up tongue mung into her eye socket.

See? I shouldn't be working. Anywhere.

It seems that shitty jobs in America aren't the only entities that want experienced workers. al-Qaeda wants experience, too. They've been hurting for experienced leadership, apparently, since Whatshisname got capped, Corleone-style. And, really, how do you replace the leader of one of the most sinister, if not the most reviled, most lethal, most shmata-wearing terrorist organizations on the planet? I mean, you can't just stick a bunch of slips of paper with funny-sounding names into an upside-down sombrero, close your eyes and hope to pick a winner.

Can you?

No, dear. You can't do that.

You search for someone with experience. And this kind of experience isn't picked up after years slogging behind a desk or through commanding an organized file-o-fax. The skills needed to stand at the helm of a terrorist organization as vast, complex and far-reaching as al-Qaeda are diverse, difficult to come by, and delicate to articulate.

al-Qaeda announced a few days ago that it had named a successor to Bin Laden, and that man's name is Ayman al-Zawahiri. (His birthday's Sunday-- on Father's Day!!! You should send him a Virtual Bouquet, or maybe a nail bomb-- that would be so ironic!) al-Zawahiri seems to fit the bill in every way as a man who can take on al-Qaeda and continue its mission of spreading fear, uncertainty, random death and horror throughout the world-- but looks can be deceiving.

According to some NPR pundits (who, let's face it, probably weren't wearing any trousers) al-Zawahiri is somewhat lacking in experience.

Seriously. They said that.

And I was thinking to myself-- what sort of experience, pray, is this man lacking? What exactly is it that qualifies you, or doesn't, to be the Bobby Big-shit of al-Qaeda? Obviously, these aren't questions that are readily answerable, so I thought I'd try my hand at creating a want ad for the position of al-Qaeda leader, because, let's face it, even if you're against the idea of terror itself, nobody really wants a poorly-run terrorist organization. Who benefits if al-Qaeda orders 7000 staplers from Office Depot instead of 700? I mean-- really? That doesn't help anybody, because it's wasteful, inefficient, and it's just silly.

Nobody wants a silly al-Qaeda.

So, in the spirit of promoting an efficiently-run organization with an eye towards fiscal responsibility, accountability, an adroit human resources division and logistical profit-sharing, here we go:

WANTED: Leader of al-Qaeda

al-Qaeda Terrorism Endeavours, Ltd., is an international bloodletting fear-mongering enterprise looking to dynamically incorporate a skewed vision of Islam with an unpredictable, undetectable and imaginative penchant for mass-murder. We seek to undermine capitalism and Western ideals of liberty and life by wantonly attacking and slaying as many people as we can, while protecting our own interests and increasing our capital gains. If devoting your life to genocide and your afterlife to engaging in endless anal intercourse with bronzed virgins seems appealing to you, then you will want to become al-Qaeda's Chief Executive Officer.

The ideal candidate for this position will...

* have possess the ability to multi-task. This position will frequently involve making international telephone calls from throw-away cellphones with no IMEI numbers while approving explosive device prototypes, interviewing potential candidates for the positions of Entry Level Suicide Bomber I and II, and plotting international coordinates for new attacks.

* be proficient in MS Office Suite, Outlook, Windows. Knowledge of DOS is helpful but will train.

* have public speaking/on-camera experience. This position will involve frequent pre-recorded appearances where you will be required to appear serious, grave, and threatening, sometimes in unfavorable lighting conditions such as underground caves deep in the heart of Pakistan. Superior focus is essential, as frequent giggling and/or calling for "line" hampers video production.

* be experienced handling large-caliber automatic firearms, rocket-propelled grenades, IED devices, and a variety of hand-held weapons. Chances are, you will never use any of these yourself, but you must look good on camera posing with these aforementioned devices.

* possess a melifluous speaking voice. Remember, you are asking people to die for you with this voice, you are commanding the world to fear you with this voice. If you sound like Randy Newman, this is probably not the job for you.

* possess, or be in the process of obtaining, a valid driver's license, at least a class-c is required, as is the ability to operate a standard transmission.

* have approximately 10-15 years experience in business administration with a minimum of an MBA degree, and/or a combination of commensurate experience.

* have approximately 15-20 years experience in planning, plotting, devising acts of terror, murder, mayhem and/or destruction of life and/or property, or a 4-year degree from an accredited mass-murder institute plus 10 years experience as either a hairdresser and/or phlebotomist.

* be male. Women bleed and must be killed. Unless they are virgins. In which case, we'll be seeing them later.

*NB: al-Qaeda Terrorism Endeavours, Ltd. is an Equal-Opportunity Employer. Please, no Jews.