Well, Cum in a Cup and Don't Give Up, It's... DEAR APRON!

After all this infertility and familial distress and best friend longing crap, you might be beginning to think that this blog is being written by a tortured English undergrad with a mousy brown ponytail.

Just to make sure that you are keenly aware that this is emphatically not the case, I thought we'd pull down the trousers around here, lift up our aprons, and drill the world in its bum with a little, healthy, sardonic dose of...

DEAR APRON:

I'm a 21-year-old male who feels lost and unfulfilled, and it's because I don't know what I want or deserve. I am one of three adopted children. I was the child who always needed the family support system the most. I come from a not-so-happy family, one with all its priorities centered around money. (Or, more accurately, lack of money.) I never felt the love a child should feel from his family.
My problem these days is my alcohol intake. I can't stay away from beer. I drink to forget my family problems and the fact that I can't seem to get anything right.

I dropped out of college because I don't have a passion for anything or anyone. I used to have hobbies -- like writing, photography, etc. -- but the beer has taken away my motivation and creativity.

I feel I'm losing my will to keep trying. I want so badly to keep trying, but my emotions are keeping me down. I just want something new, something I can give my all to, something that won't hurt me in the future. -- WHAT CAN I DO?

DEAR WHAT CAN I DO?:

"Beer has taken away my motivation and creativity" you say? The hell I say. Beer doesn't do that. As far as I know, and I admit that I'm not an expert, all beer does is:

make dumb shit sound funny

make you really have to pee

make passable-looking girls appear hot

make you drunk

Remember: only you can take away your own motivation and creativity. Jesus-- just think of all the writers, musicians, poets, CBS Evening News journalists, wits, and Eastern European monarchs who did some of their best and brightest work while intoxicated.

Now, about this problem you're currently having, or whatever it is, I think the problem is obvious: you're gay. Try having sex with a guy-- that should take care of everything.

DEAR APRON:

When one person owes another person an apology, does it count as a legitimate apology if the word "but" is tacked on at the end? I think adding "but" takes away from the admission of fault and places the blame back on the person owed the apology. Am I right? -- WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY

DEAR WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY:

You sound like someone who's going to be waiting a very long time for that apology you're seeking. Just sayin'.

You're right, though, hon-- "I'm sorry, but..." is not a true apology. Neither is an apology said through clenched teeth, during an eye-roll, offered whilst riding nude on the back of a horse covered in Lite Kraft Ranch salad dressing, said on Skype, Facebook, or any message received on a handheld device, offered through an intermediary or an attorney, written in crayon on construction paper (I don't care if you're a fucking 2nd grader-- buy a goddamn fountain pen and some 20lb weight stationery and grow up already) or said whilst on a "death bed" and/or Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

But...

DEAR APRON:

My sister and I want a dog, but our mother won't let us have one. When we asked her why not, she said, "Because dogs poop, pee, get things dirty and bark."

We told her, "We will train it, feed it, clean up after it. We'll even pay for it." We really would, but she still says, "NO!"

What should we do to convince our mom to let us get a dog? -- SON AND DAUGHTER IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR SON & DAUGHTER IN I CAN'T SPELL ALBAKERKEE BUT I THINK JESSICA ALBA IS HOT:

I love it when kids write in to adivce columns. Like, how do they ever even get the idea to do that? It would be like if a coworker in his late twenties one day randomly sent you a telegram or something.

Like-- what the fuck, right?

Anyway, kids, it sounds, from the dialogue that you have quoted, that your mother is a woman of relatively simple logic, and I'm not sure that a particularly complicated, well-thought-out, rational approach would work with a woman like this. What I would suggest doing is this:

One day, while mom is at work, you and your sister go into the living room and poop and pee and roll around on the carpet in muddy clothes. When mom gets home and starts flipping out at you two, you guys just sit in the middle of the poop and pee and dirt and start barking at her for ten minutes straight. Then, help her clean up the living room. Once the living room is all clean, she'll see that a little poop, pee, dirt, and barking isn't really such a big deal.

You'll have a little Bingo of your own in no time.

DEAR APRON:

I have 10-year-old twin boys. "Frank" is popular with the boys in his class, while "Jake" has only one close friend, "Tommy." When Frank is invited to parties, sleepovers, movies, swimming and play dates, Jake is left out and never invited. Tommy is a great kid, but comes from a family that isn't very social. We invite Tommy to our home, but Jake isn't invited back.

I feel terrible when I see how sad Jake is when his brother is constantly going off to do fun things and he's left at home. We try to keep Jake busy with enjoyable activities when this happens, but it's not the same.

While Frank has a right to have his own friends, sometimes I feel I should say something to the parents about how much their leaving Jake out is hurting his feelings and self-confidence. -- HEARTBROKEN MOM IN MISSOURI

DEAR HEARTBROKEN MOM:

God-- what is with all the simpleton mothers out there today? What-- did the mean ol' beer take away all your creativity, too?

When Frank is invited somewhere, every once in a while, just send Jake instead and tell him to pretend he's Frank. It's like sending in the pinch hitter or the 2nd string QB. Is it deceptive? Sure, but it's better than Jake spending his high school years hanging out by the Circle-K wearing black clothes, eyeliner and writing shitty poetry that nobody wants to hear.