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Saturday, April 30, 2011


Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb must have been onto something.

I also think they were probably doing each other, but that's another post entirely.

One of those numbskulls-- I forget (and don't care) which-- frequently says, "Contrary-wise" to the other.

I am contrary, though far from wise. I am what I suppose some might call a contrarian. It's not easy being a contrarian, because, more often than not, your contrary services are required in the course of normal, every day conversation, and you will be expected, if not required, to take up a contrary position to that of another, or to that of the mainstream.

Because contrarians aren't very much into the mainstream. Or others. Even other contrarians tend to get on our nerves. Because they're even contrary to us.

The nerve.

I was thinking about how being a contrarian both gives me pleasure and, at the same time, removes what is most likely a fair amount of pleasure from my very existence. Take yesterday's little English event. Contrarians are, by law, not permitted to take even the smallest amount of enjoyment out of a happening like a royal wedding. An avowed contrarian cannot, for instance, awake at 4:15am, tie a little Union Jack ascot, wear a funny hat and enjoy tea and biscuits with clotted creme whilst being glued to the televison screen and spelling the word "color" with a "u" between the second "o" and the "r".

It just isn't done.

Contrarians don't do that.

We're just not allowed, see?


We're not allowed to see movies like "Titanic" and "Avatar," (or any film by James Cameron, actually), you know-- movies that the remainder of the population is allowed to see. If, by accident, we do see these films, we are not allowed to enjoy them. If I, for example, saw "Titanic" (which I haven't-- because I'm not allowed) I would not be permitted to like it.

And I certainly wouldn't be permitted to "Like" it, you know, on Facebook.

Speaking of Facebook, I'm not allowed to like (or "Like") that, either. Though it's been a while since I've looked at the Contrarian Constitution (ratified in 1788 by a bunch of assholes and naysayers in stockings and periwigs) but I'm pretty sure there's an amendment in there somewhere called "The Zuckerberg Clause" that states that a contrarian may engage in Facebook-related activities, as long as s/he "periodically and sincerely mocks and/or otherwise disparages the idea or practical application of Facebook and/or its affiliated entities."

There are quotes there, but, really, I'm paraphrasing. As a contrarian, I can't very well pander to your impish need for accuracy right at this very moment, because, to do so would interrupt the flow of this blog post and would, you see, be decidedly inconvenient to me. You understand.

And, if you don't, I don't care.

The thing is: there are times, not very many times, mind you, but there are times in which I would like to engage in mainstream, dunderheaded activities and not feel a pang of guilt that flares up when I ponder betraying my Contrarianist roots.

Sometimes, I just want to go to the beach instead of a museum or a play.

Sometimes, I just want to have breakfast at a greasy diner instead of at an upscale café.

Sometimes, I want to listen to mindless music instead of Robin Lustig on BBC Newshour.

Sometimes, I want to regard my smartphone as a technological gadget that I enjoy rather than an overpriced, overrated techno-pretension that identifies me as an insipid, self-absorbed jerkoff.

Sometimes, I just want to order Chinese food.

But not General fucking Tso's. I mean, come on already with that bullshit.

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