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A charming little Magpie whispered this disclaimer into my ear, and I'm happy to regurgitate it into your sweet little mouth:

"Disclaimer: This blog is not responsible for those of you who start to laugh and piss your pants a little. Although this blogger understands the role he has played (in that, if you had not been laughing you may not have pissed yourself), he assumes no liability for damages caused and will not pay your dry cleaning bill.

These views represent the thoughts and opinions of a blogger clearly superior to yourself in every way. If you're in any way offended by any of the content on this blog, it is clearly not the blog for you. Kindly exit the page by clicking on the small 'x' you see at the top right of the screen, and go fuck yourself."

Sunday, April 10, 2011


When "Finding Nemo" was released in Spain, audience members back in 2003 or whenever it was most likely howled in delight as the manic seagulls shouted a dubbed, "Mio! Mio! Mio! Mio!"

You know, 'cuz that means "Mine!" in Spanish.

I can remember being highly amused while watching the scenes involving those emotionally battered birds in "Finding Nemo." Maybe it's the attitude-hardening years that have passed since that date, but I was significantly less amused as I sat on the sofa with my wife watching a commercial for MiO Liquid Water Enhancer for the first time a couple weeks ago.

"Oh, my God," I said, watching in deadpan horror, "what the fuck is this shit?"

"Clearly," Mrs. Apron said, popping a Cadbury mini egg into her mouth, "you have to blog about this."

I squinted my eyes like a leathery cowboy preparing for a high-noon duel.


But, for weeks, it didn't come (yeah, yeah, I know: that's what she said) and I had to see the commercial a few more times in order for the proper combination of vitriol, disappointment, sadness, incredulity, and despair to really set in. Because, really, those are the elements that make for great blogs. Just ask that snarky little bitch everybody reads or whatever.

So, for those of you who may be unfamiliar, as yet, with the concept of MiO, allow me to explain, as far as I am able. But, before I do, please permit a brief statement of disclosure:

(Brief) Statement of Disclosure:

I haven't tried this shit personally. Why? Because, if I were stupid enough to spend actual money on it, then I should have no business blogging about it in the manner in which I am about to do.

Of course, the other way I could have acquired this product would be by its producing company sending me a sample for review. Now, this may happen to you-- people may send you free shit all the time to review-- but, as of yet, this hasn't happened to me. I guess it's not a mystery why that doesn't happen to me. Some literary agent emailed me asking me to review their client's interior design book on my blog.

"You've obviously never read my blog," I wrote back, "so I'm obviously not going to read or review your client's book which, I'm sure, is gay."

Anyway, getting back to MiO (definitely won't be getting any free samples now), MiO is marketed as a "Liquid Water Enhancer." The mere existence of this product implies that water is boring and, therefore, necessitates enhancement.

I take exception with this, and yet, I probably have little right to do so.

I drink very little water, probably significantly less than any human should. Each morning, I prepare sixteen ounces of coffee with enough sugar in it to turn Mr. Ed's head into a raisinette. I nurse this coffee all day. With lunch, I have one can of Caffeine Free Diet Coke (which, as we all know, is going to make me mimic the symptoms of M.S. some day, in which case I'll have to get Dragon Speak so I can keep blogging). With dinner, oftentimes there will be another CFDC or a spritzer, made with fruit juice and seltzer water.

But wait, you'll say-- the pom/blueberry juice that you add to your half-glass of seltzer water is no different than MiO!

The hell it is, I'll say. You have to add fruit juice to seltzer water because seltzer water by itself tastes like champagane mixed with week-old kitty litter. Water by itself, especially if served ice cold, is delicious. Water isn't boring-- I'm not bored by it, I'm just addicted to other stuff.

Water is like, I don't know... breasts. Breasts get enhanced every day in this country, but do they really need enhancement? Even those precocious little 32-A's? No. They do not. Even the smallest boob is a joy unto the Lord. They do not need to be sliced open, with nipples cut out and put on ice, stuffed with silicone or chicken fat or saline or brillo pads. They don't need spears or studs shoved through their nippies. Breasts are wonderous just the way they are. You know, until they get old and resemble two heavily-packed plastic shopping bags.

Anyway, getting back to this MiO bullshit-- it comes in some fucking flavors like Mango Peach, Peach Tea, Sweet Tea, Sweet Pea, Pea Soup, Pomegranate Vichyssoise or whatever. It comes in a small plastic container that you're supposed to carry around with you, along with your pocket comb, your toothbrush, your Clementine Tea-flavor-enhanced condoms and your spare vampire fangs and Groucho Marx glasses. It's really important that you carry your MiO around with you wherever you go in case some dreadfully uncouth dinner party host has the unmitigated temerity to offer you a glass of boredom-inducing water. That way, you can quickly make youself look like an eight-year-old swilling Kool-Aid and instantly become the life of the party.

Liquid excitement is never far away, and boredom in a glass is but a distant memory as long as you're packin' MiO. Which, by the way, contains:

Water, Malic Acid, Propylene Glycol, Citrict Acid, Contains less than 2% of natural flavor, Sucralose and Acesulfame potassium (Sweeteners), Potassium citrate, Yellow 5, Blue 1, Red 40, Potassium Sorbate (Perservative).

Hey! Artifical food dyes! Everyone loves those! Acesulfame and Propylene Glycol! They sound like additives used in jet fuel!

And, dude: gotta love that first ingredient.

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