Knucklehead, Part II

Well, folks, it wasn't meant to be.

This is going to be a relatively short blog post-- my in-laws are coming in to stay with us, and there's a very large air mattress on the floor of our office, so I'm blogging on my phone, like a metrosexual. Nevertheless, risking arthritis of the thumb, I thought you deserved some closure on the small, crazy beagle I introduced you to a couple days ago: Knucklehead.

When I told Mrs. Apron about Knucklehead, her immediate response was, "I don't want a beagle."

Well, I worked my sorcerer-like magic on her, and she relented. Well, she relented enough to agree to meet Knucklehead, accompanied by our dog, Finley, for a little compatability test.

It could have gone worse. But it could have gone alot better.

Apparently, "Knucklehead" is a more apt name for my new friend than I'd even originally thought. He was uncouth to the hilt, wowing my wife with a display of constant innapropriate behavior. Skittering, neurotic, spacey, unfocused, spastic, howling.

Oh, and cock-sucking.

Knucklehead, for whatever reason, could not seem to get enough of Finley's penis. He attached his mouth to our dog's dick and went at it like it was a cow's udder. Maybe, I theorized out loud, he thinks Finley's his mommy and it's mealtime.

I tried my best to redirect him, but he went straight back to my dog's cock, working like a mouth Olympian. And my dog didn't seem to mind. The only problem was the sporadic moments where Knucklehead would forsake Finley's dick and shove his beagle nose in Finley's face. And Finley would growl. And Knucklehead would not be deterred, and he'd try again.

We're not giving up, but Knucklehead will haveto turn someone else's life upsidedown. He's not the worst puppy in the world. But he sure sucks a mean dick.

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Threw His Emaciated Dog Out His Car Window

Hey, Buddy:

I don't have a lot of time to write this morning, so I'll just cut right to the chase:

You're a fucking asshole.

There are lots of fucking assholes in this world-- bosses who cheat you out of your raise, mattress salesmen, the guy in the porkpie hat driving the Cadillac in front of you at 14 miles-an-hour with his left blinker inexplicably on for miles-- and then suddenly turns right, Charles Barkley, the creepy uncle who's always looking down your girlfriend's blouse, people who yell into their cellphones because they think that's an appropriate conversational decibel level, the waitress who calls you "hon"-- you know what I'm talking about.

But you really take fucking assholedom to another level.

From what I understand from news reports, you starved your dog, a bull-boxer mix and then, while driving around in Morrisville, you wrapped the dog in a blanket and threw it out of your car window while the vehicle was in motion.

Wow.

Not only are you a total fucking asshole, but you have zero intelligence and/or consience at all. If you did, you would have done any one of the following things:

1.) Taken it to a shelter
2.) Put it up for adoption
3.) Given it to a friend or neighbor
4.) Taken it to a veterinary hospital

Even if you were just a basic, run-of-the-mill asshole, still insistent on abandoning the dog in the woods, you could have at least pulled over and let the dog out of your car instead of lobbing it like a Monday night football out the window. But, no-- I guess you wanted to see what sort of hang time you could achieve.

Fortunately, the dog's okay. He was rescued by a fat but sincere woman who happened to witness you lobbing Fido from your car. When she was interviewed by the local newsmorons, she said,

"At first, I thought it was a baby-- you know, because it was all wrapped up in a blanket."

The scary thing is, you probably do have children, don't you, Mr. Dog Flinger? Is that what you're going to do to them one day when you realize you can't afford to feed them, too? I could picture someone like you doing that.

"Well, sorry, Junior. It's Hail Mary time! Call this play, Frank Gifford!"

It's sad that there are bewilderingly sadistic motherfuckers like you out and about, people with absolutely no regard for life, and no coping skills. I can understand what could drive someone to dump their car in a lake somewhere in rural New Jersey when they can't afford the payments anymore, but a car isn't alive-- despite what Disney would have us believe.

So, sir, the next time you undertake responsibility for another living creature that you find you can't afford, before taking the very regrettable step of throwing it out the window like a three-week-old apple core, try this instead:

Throw yourself out the fucking window instead.

What we need in this society more than abandoned, broken, airborne dogs is fewer people like you.