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Friday, February 11, 2011

Well, Scoot on My Carpet and Call it Kozy Shack Chocolate Pudding; It's... DEAR APRON!

Every now and then, I find this lump under my underarm that I'm utterly convinced is cancer until my derm tells me it's because of the deodorant I'm using.


But that's okay, because it's not cancer, it's...


My 70-year-old father has asked his 40-year-old girlfriend to marry him. This will be his fourth marriage. They have been dating for a year, and she says she wants to have two or three children with him.

My sisters and I are not happy at all. Our father was a horrible father when we were growing up. To say he doesn't like children is putting it mildly. Also, we feel he would be incredibly selfish and irresponsible to consider bringing a baby into this world at his age when he may not be around long enough to take care of the child.

Do my sisters and I have a right to be upset about this? How would you suggest we handle this? -- DISGUSTED DAUGHTERS IN TEXAS


I'm very confused by this letter. In fact, it's driven me to drink. Which will make my response much more interesting, though probably just as incoherent.

Does your dad have kids from Wives #2 and #3 in addition to your mom, or are you the by-product of 2 or 3? Do you even know who your mother is? Have you ever read the book, "Are You My Mother?" by P.D. Eastman? You may find it very illuminating. Perhaps you and/or your sisters were conceived during that brief period in the late 1970s when your father was married to that power shovel.

All that said, I suppose I ought to answer your pathetic, rhetorical question, "Do my sisters and I have a right to be upset about this?" The answer is, "No. You have no rights. Submit to my will, or I will break you. I dominate all who come forth to challenge my omnipotence. My seed is to you like liquid amethyst. Drink of it, verily, ye maid of alabastar knees and wanton thigh-flower."

Code-4. Suspect in custody. Once, I bought a Bill Cosby sweater. I need to stop drinking now.

Or do it a LOT more.


I have been married to my wife almost 40 years. I love her dearly and she says she loves me, but when I want to hold her, she tenses up like I'm a rapist. When I kiss her longer than a nano-second, she makes noises that sound as though I have a pillow over her face. We haven't slept in the same bed in so long I can't remember what it's like. When I try to talk to her about it, she ignores me. How can I get her to realize how much I hurt? -- LONELY AND HURT IN MIDDLE GRANVILLE, N.Y.


Here's the thing. I think you need to stop dressing in all black, wearing a ski-mask, and rappelling through the porch screen window immediately prior to sex with your wife. I would also advise against your continual habit of shouting, "THIS IS A RAPE!" while shoving her underpants into her mouth. While you may have thought that this would be stimulating for your wife, it is possible that she may find it traumatic, especially if she is both irrational and unreasonable, as modern science has proven approximately 93-96% of women to be.

I might also suggest not smothering her face with that pillow anymore. I know, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. Plus, she was just asking for it, like all the rest of 'em.


I'm an independent, 41-year-old woman who attracts men who are 10 to 13 years younger than I am. I'm not interested in them because I feel they are only after one thing. Another problem is, when I start getting close to a man my own age, he always makes me feel "smothered." It seems I'm either loved too much or not at all.
Is there a balance, or am I just afraid of getting close? -- AVOIDING GETTING HURT IN MILWAUKEE


Wait-- you think they're after your shoes...



I have employed the same cleaning lady every week for nearly 20 years. She worked for my grandparents before me. "Dora" is 70 and shows no hint of retiring. In fact, she tells me from time to time she has no intention of ever stopping.

Although I admire Dora's spunk, the truth is she is becoming increasingly careless in her work. I often come home to find something broken, knocked over or spilled. I can see she has trouble managing the stairs and carrying the vacuum cleaner. I know she needs the income and I can't imagine letting her go. What can I do? -- HOUSEBROKEN IN BUFFALO


Why that fucking, spiteful, disgusting hogcow. After all you've done for her, hiding her from ICE and INS all these years, this is how she repays you? By busting up this here chifforobe for only a nickel? Why, if Dora were MY cleaning lady, she'd be fucking "Explora"ing for a new gig with some other schelp who doesn't care that their precious antique jade Longzhi pottery and sculptures (I need to stop watching "Antiques Roadshow". And drinking.) is getting broken by this washed up has-been illegal immigrant in diabetic shoes and support hose.

Look, the answer to your dilemma is quite obvious to me. If Dora won't quit, and you can't bring yourself to fire her, clearly the most humane course of action is to take her out back behind the shed and shoot her. Just make sure she has a more spry younger sister or something to clean up that frigging mess when you're done.

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