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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Is It Wrong...

* that I imagined coworkers yesterday waddling around with their Valentine's Day bouquets shoved, flower-first, into their assholes?

* that I wanted the Watson computer to give Ken Jennings an energetic roundhouse to the face?

* that I think Asians are all good at math and make silly, high-pitched noises when intercoursed?

* that I talk about swamp-ass... at work?

* that I probably don't shower as much as I used to?

(Maybe hence the swamp-ass?)

* that I think of those nasty pictures of STDs they showed us in 10th grade whenever I look at cauliflower, pickles, pictures of certain "friends" of mine on Facebook, and cottage cheese?

* that I put the comma after writing a date with the "th" after the number, like "February, 15th, 2011" even though I know it's superfluous if you use the "th"?

* that I say inappropriate things all the time, like "assdribble" and "jizzdonkey"?

* that I don't iron my dress shirts? (If they're really bad, I just throw on a sweater!)

* that sometimes I forget to give the dog his Chondroitin?

* that, while patients are talking to me about their overdoses and extensive histories of trauma, I am sometimes engaged in the act of slowly and silently squeezing out a fart?

* that, at age 30, I still can't address a grown man as "Dick" without fighting passionately against the urge to laugh in his face? (His DICK FACE!)

* that I don't want to live near my sister?

* that I can't stop thinking about cheating... on my car?

* that I listen to NPR for the entirety of my 35-minute-long commute to work and still have no idea what the fuck is going on in the world?

* that I don't want to talk to a single one of my neighbors as I pass by them while walking my dog, or walking to my car, despite the fact that they all probably think I'm the next Unabomber?

* that I get really excited when I have a clean poop, where nothing appears on the toilet paper after wiping? (This is also known as the "Immaculate Shitception," in religious circles.)

* that I just wrote that last one?

* that I derive extreme pleasure out of making fun of people who are less fortunate than I, and more fortunate than I, and who I suspect are on rather equal footing as well?

* that I didn't know what the fuck to write about today, so I decided on taking the path of least resistance and wrote out this shitty list?

* that I eschew modern conveniences, such as Blackberries, emoticons, re-appropriated men's hairstyles from the 1970s, and Skechers?

* that I maintain that Valentine's Day is for insecure D-bags?

* that I love doing this shit?

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