Well, Fuck My Sheep and Totes My Goats, It's... DEAR APRON!

After that shart-filled, schmoopie post about giving sensitive advice to chicks and stuff, I thought I'd better hetero it up around here with another beer drinkin', dick slappin' edition of...

DEAR APRON:

My 89-year-old mother has always been difficult. She not only never loved me, she treated me as if she didn't like me, either. She told me she didn't send me a birthday card on my birthday last month because "What was it supposed to say -- what a 'wonderful' person you are?" My children visibly winced when they heard her say it and worked extra-hard to make sure my day was special.

Apron, I have cancer. My prognosis is questionable. I was supposed to have been dead seven years ago -- but I'm managing. My problem is, I recently was told that my mother has been keeping in touch with a single friend of mine from years ago, and they are making plans for her to marry my husband when I die! A few other so-called "friends" are in on this. This last betrayal is incredibly hurtful. Where do I go from here? -- J.C. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR J.C.

Where do you go from here? Well, I don't know-- you've got lots of options, though. I hear that Utah has some really beautiful natural sights, and there's always the Ozarks. Of course, the Lake George area is always gorgeous, but, this time of year, bring your sunscreen. But, if tall ships and lobster are your thing, you can't beat Camden, Maine. If you're interested in some particularly slammin' dinner theatre, Boca Raton might be your cup of tea. And, if you dig retarded people who aren't actually diagnosably retarded, there's always Natchez, MS. Wherever you decide to travel in these waning months of your unloved life, just remember, only you can prevent forest fires.

Oh, and, J.C.-- I don't think it's your prognosis that's questionable, I think it's your oncologist.

DEAR APRON:

My daughter and 12-year-old grandson "Patrick" visit me on Sundays. Patrick watches TV in my office.

I was recently looking at the history on my Web browser after he had been there, and I noticed that Patrick had been visiting free porn sites and chat rooms on my computer.

I am disappointed that he has been looking at pornography and that he has put my computer at risk for viruses, etc. Should I talk to his parents? To him? Or should I ignore it and disable my computer when he visits? -- GRANDMA ON ALERT

DEAR GRANDMA:

I totes heart the sentence "Patrick watches TV in my office," when the following sentence clearly and immediately disproves the first sentence. That's DP anal-fucking hilarious.

I also love how you're #1, disappointed in Patrick for looking at porn, and, #2, that he's put your computer at risk for viruses. At least your priorities are in order. Did you know you can get a computer virus from buying that Amethyst costume jewelry from QVC online, too, Grammaw?

What's even more interesting than the aforementioned points of mine is the fact that you are not at all, apparently, disturbed by the fact that Patrick is totally jerking the fuck off all over your barcalounger. If you did the "Dateline NBC" blacklight test on your office, it would look like some psych patient had just gone batshit with several gallons of Elmer's Glue. I'm talkin' walls, keyboard, ceiling, everywhere. What-- you weren't suspicious when you found yourself purchasing twenty-seven boxes of Kleenex every other week?

Jesus-- I don't know what you are, Grandma, but you are most definitely, in no way, shape, or form, not "on alert."

DEAR APRON:

I am 20, newly married and very happy with my new husband. I didn't tell my father when I got married; he just found out. When I moved out four months ago to live with my fiance and his parents, I also didn't tell Dad I was engaged.

Dad called me to ask if it was true that I had gotten married. Of course I said yes, and he got very angry. He asked if I was pregnant and I told him no. Then he wished me luck with my husband, said we were on our own now, and he would be out of my life!

Apron, I have always been a daddy's girl. When it came time to get married, I didn't tell him because I knew he'd try to stop me. I love my father and don't want him out of my life. What should I do? -- NEWLYWED IN JACKSON, MICH.

DEAR NEWLYWED:

You've always been a Daddy's Girl and you didn't tell your dad you were getting married, or that you were moving in with your fiance and his parents?

You're not a Daddy's Girl-- you're just a fucking idiot. T-minus two years till you're a divorced fucking idiot.

'Till then, good luck with your husband, you're on your own now, and I'm out of your life.