Well, Cut the Cord and Praise the Lord, It's... DEAR APRON!

It may not be weekly anymore, but it’s still definitely vile, vulgar, and vulvalicious.

That’s right, kids, it’s cheaper than a Maybach and friendlier than the Clap. It’s….

DEAR APRON:

My girlfriend, "Donna," and I have shared a wonderful relationship for nearly three years. During her college days she had a sexual encounter with her best female friend. (They had been friends since high school.)

Although they graduated from college five years ago, they continue to see each other. Donna tells me that nothing sexual goes on between them. Personally, I don't trust her friend. Please help me get over this. -- TONY IN WHITTIER

DEAR TONY:

I pleasured myself to mental fantasies conjured up with the aid of your letter. Please help me get over this.

-- Mr. Apron in Pennsylvania

DEAR APRON:

I have been in a relationship with a lady for the past few months. How do I tell her that I want out without hurting her badly?

I have tried a couple of times to end things, but she gets hysterical, starts crying and accuses me of wanting someone else, which is not true. Please give me some advice. -- IN A FIX, PASCAGOULA, MISS.

DEAR IN A FIX:

Well, if you were going out with just a normal female, it would be no big deal. But, since you’re “in a relationship with a lady,” that obviously changes things in a big way. Here’s what you do:

Purchase a waistcoat, spats, and arm garters. (I’m assuming you already have a cravat and pince-nez.) Using a reservoir pen (contains its own ink, invented circa 1884, and pen her a grandiloquent, prosaic novella, expressing yourself in flowery, vegetable terminology that obfuscates your more vulgar instincts and baser propensities, forsaking them for more effete dispositions.

And, remember, use “courtesan” instead of “hoebag skeeza pleeza.”

DEAR APRON:

My husband doesn't like to go to funerals. In the 25 years we have been together, I think he has only been to three -- and that was only because he had been asked to be a pallbearer. Fortunately, we haven't had to deal with many losses on either side of the family.

We were talking recently and he shared that he would not go to his own mother's funeral! They have a very close relationship, and he explained that he only wants to remember her in life, not in a coffin. I feel he should set aside his own uncomfortable feelings and be there for the rest of the family -- especially his brothers and sisters. What do you think? -- PAM IN SPRINGFIELD, OHIO

DEAR PAM:

Your husband doesn’t like to go to funerals?!!! Well, clearly, he just hasn’t been to the right funeral. I would suggest an Amish funeral for starters, they’re pretty interesting. Then maybe have him work his way up to a New Orleans Jazz Funeral. If he doesn’t bitch about that, stuff him in the car and trek on over to Gettysburg for a Civil War re-enactor’s funeral. They do the burial of General John Renyolds every hour on the hour between 10am & 2pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays on the grounds of the Theological Seminary. He’ll totally dig that shit. No pun intended.

If that doesn’t work, maybe it’s that your husband just hasn’t had the right kind of experience at a funeral. Next time one comes up, try jerking him off in the pew during the service. I would sit in the way, way back, unless you’re into the whole exhibition/defamation thing.

DEAR APRON:

I recently completed my first year of college. During the year, I met my current boyfriend. My goal this summer is to have him meet my parents. Because we live six hours apart, I thought it would be best if he stayed over at my parents' house -- in the guest room, of course.

My father objected to it, but said that if it were deemed acceptable by you, he would reconsider. What do you say, Apron? Is there really a problem with having one's boyfriend sleep over at one's parents' house? -- CURIOUS CO-ED

DEAR CURIOUS CO-ED:

Have you or your parents every heard of the Fallacious Appeal to Authority fallacy?