The Don't List

"Don't do laundry before having coffee."

While this admittedly sounds like the punchline to a crappy "Cathy" cartoon ("Size 10 swimsuits made out of burlap?! AAACK!") it's really just the ignominious beginning of a paternalistic, negative-nellie My Masonic Apron Don't List.

* Don't do laundry before having coffee.

If you do, every single one of your wife's shirts that you try to line-dry will fall on the floor. Not only will they fall on just the floor, they will fall on the doggie-fur-layered floor. Now, maybe this would happen even if you did laundry after having coffee, but it is likely that, had your internal chemical homeostasis been achieved through caffeine and sugar, you might have had a more cause-proportionate response to this event than,

"CuuuUUUUuuUUUuNT CUuUUUUUM MOOTHER-FUUUUCCCKKKKK!"

* Don't tease the dog by squeaking the new squeak to you just bought for him incessantly.

Just give it to him, or he will leap up, smash you in the balls with his muzzle with the inertia force of a Smart ForTwo hitting a brick wall and he will drag his claws all over your right hand. Then, he will proceed to play with the squeak toy for 4 seconds and ignore it for the rest of his life.

* Don't throw wadded up tissues into a trashcan from across the room.

You always miss and, on those precious rare times when you don't, there's nobody there to see it. D-bag.

* Don't have a conversation with your penis while you're peeing.

Your wife can hear you in the next room.

* Don't buy that really cool coat at the vintage store.

You have, like, forty-seven coats. What the fuck are you: metrosexual? Next thing you know you'll be understanding perfume commercials and waxing your eyelids.

* Don't grow a moustache.

You'll never hear the end of it, even after it's gone.

* Don't forget to clear your history after looking at porn, even if your wife is totally cool with you looking at porn.

Do I really need to follow this one up with a snarky little explicatory sentence?

* Don't try to do your sister favors.

You'll cringe every time you get a text message, voice-mail, email, telegraph, aldis lamp, signal flare, or semaphore.

* Don't pray in public without a Bluetooth headset.

People will just think you're fucking nuts.

* Don't go to your parent's house expecting to have a nice family dinner.

You'll be woefully disappointed, even if the cinnamon cake is good.

* Don't eat three pieces of the cinnamon cake.

Your dump the next morning will all but crack the porcelain.

* Don't chew with your mouth open.

Didn't anybody ever embarrass you enough as a child?

* Don't get listed in the phone book.

Remember the cautionary tale of Navin R. Johnson; random sonofabitch bastard.

* Don't call your attorney during a traffic stop.

The officer will most likely think your cellphone is a gun and then you'll have bigger problems than being out $126 and 3 points on your license.

And, last but definitely not least:

* Don't wash your feet in the airport bathroom sink in Jakarta, even if your feet really do smell like vinegar.

Aack.