Harken Ye to this Proclamation

This is a big day.

John & Kate (of "John & Kate + 8," but who are we kidding-- you already knew that, right? OMG! LMT!) are making their "big announcement" tonight.

I can barely stand it.

They've teasing our little cocklettes all weekend with this little tantalizing tongue-carrot since they had their PR rep state on Friday that, on Monday, they'd be making an announcement that will "affect both of them and all of their children and will hopefully bring peace to everyone."

Everyone? Even in Tehran? At first, I didn't think that Iran would permit shows like "John & Kate + 8" on Iranian television, but then I thought, wait a minute-- their mission is to get their people to hate us. And what easier way to accomplish that could there be than to flood Iranian airwaves with fatuous, inane drivel like "The King of Queens," "Rachel Ray," and "John & Kate + 8?" Put enough people in front of a boob tube constantly running shit like that and there'll be lines of people snaking around the block chomping at the bit to fly planes into our buildings.

Anyway, I just can't imagine what their big announcement is going to be. It's probably something lame like they're getting a divorce. Like, big fucking surprise. And also, like, way to be original. Everybody gets divorced-- who gives a shit? The only thing that could be potentially exciting is watching DHS take all their kids away because neither of them are competent enough to parent one child, let alone eight. I would enjoy watching that.

Though I realize that their announcement is probably going to be something mundane like a divorce announcement, I couldn't help hoping that it was going to be something really cool like that they've decided to do an on-air murder/suicide pact. Or that they were both actually the opposite gender and that they're going to have sex-reassignment surgery, also on air. Or that they've decided to pursue different career options-- he's going to pilot hot air balloons over the Pacific Northwest, she's going to become a champion ice-fisher.

Maybe the announcement has less to do with them and more to do with the kids. Maybe they've decided to sell all the kids on E-bay. If you win two or more, do you think they'd combine shipping to the United States & Canada? They strike me as the kind of folks that would combine shipping.

Somewhere, though, somewhere deep down in the tendrils and the coils of my tiny little, tired old brain, I had another glimmer of a notion of a thought about what their little announcement might be. Maybe.... just maybe... maybe this idea, this strange little idea they've had to instill some peace and tranquility in their lives and the lives of their children is to.... not be on television anymore....

Can it be?

Can they really have figured it out? Did they somehow get bitten on the tushie by the enlightenment bug and henceforth realize that whatever monies they're receiving from TLC and whatever noteriety (none of it's any good anyway) just isn't worth it at the cost of their children's future? Is it really possible that these two douchebags have seen the light?

Nah.

That bitch is just becoming an ice-fisher. And I hope she catches a big one.