Fucking. Stoned.

Hahaha. You thought this was going to be a post about me using marijuana. See? You don't really know me at all.

Do you?

I was thinking about the scene in Monty Python's "The Life of Brian" recently where John Cleese presides over the stoning of an elderly, spindly little man for the crime of blaspheming-- in this case, saying "Jehovah." Of course, because it's Monty Python, John Cleese's character ends up getting mercilessly stoned by a bunch of men dressed as women wearing fake beards pretending to be men (you following this?) and, as they say in the world of MPFC, "Well that was all good fun, and we all had a jolly good laugh."

Pondering this scene got me thinking about stoning. A while ago, when I was delusional and thought that what I wrote on here mattered a nanodamn and that, if I could change just one person that was akin to changing the world, I wrote a half-way serious post about that woman that they were going to stone in the Middle East for infidelity. I don't know what the hell happened to her, but I'm willing to bet that, whatever it was, it had little to do with my blog. And I'm okay with that.

Stoning is a shockingly economical way to execute somebody, and I'm not sure that it shouldn't be re-examined in the Western hemisphere-- if we're still going to entertain the notion of state-run terminal justice. Ooh-- I like that-- "Terminal Justice." I think I would buy a CD by a band called "Terminal Justice." Do people buy CDs anymore? I'm not sure I exactly know what normal people do. I work in a mental hospital after all, and that skews all kinds of lines.

It skewers them, too. Which is another relatively cheap way to kill someone-- if you happen to know where very large skewers that can penetrate chest cavities/skulls may be located.

Still, I think stoning's the way to go, if you're on a budget-- which, let's face it, most states are these days. N'yah mean? Look at Camden-- they just laid off all those police officers and firefighters. Feel free to disagree with me (it's a pretty popular pastime amongst immediate family members) New Jersey sounds like a state that ought to be considering stoning.

If you think about it-- stoning is ingenious. No money spent on new technologies. No reliance on electricity or firearms or pharmecutical companies-- and green?! Oh, is it green! Especially if the stone has moss on it. But seriously, kids-- no waste! You use what's right there on the ground in front of you, and after a quick spritz with the garden hose (obviously with sprinkler-head attachment to conserve water) those rocks are ready to roll once again!

You can even feed the prisoner stone soup for his last meal!

Fucking. Genius.

So, yeah. Stoning. Awesome and such. There are people in this world who need to be stoned, and, even though I am not a real big proponent of mind-altering substances, there are definitely people in this world who need to get stoned. You see the diff, of course, jawohl? You know who I mean in the latter category, right? Those insidious, tightly-wound, Type-A people who walk briskly wherever they're going, even though they may very well have no place in particular to go. They're always checking their watches and tapping their feet and fixing themselves in the mirror and worrying. Worrying about what others are thinking, worrying about what they're thinking, worrying that people aren't thinking of them, worrying that people are thinking of them. Picking their cuticles. Biting their cuticles. Flicking their palms with their fingers. Fretting. Holding in their urine and their poodie for a more... opportune time. They use words like "opportune" and, incongruously, "poodie," often in the same sentence. They've got white hairs, and wrinkles. They're a frigging mess.

They're... me?

People always say that they'd love to see me stoned. I know they mean "on drugs" and not "pelted mercilessly with rocks," and, although it annoys me to no end when people comment that I would be funnier/better/calmer/more or less... whatever on drugs, I'm at least comforted by the fact that they don't want to see me lying dead on the floor with more dents in my head than on the front fender of a 1987 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham.

Yup. People often say they'd like to see me stoned, primarily because they think it'd be a laugh riot. Nobody ever says that they'd like to see me with no trousers on, though. Thing is-- that'd probably be a lot funnier.

The Penalty Box

Changing my trousers is a bit of a pain. This, of course, comes from a man who, only yesterday, on this very blog, complained about the drudgery involved in making fucking sandwiches.

Changing my mind is even more of an ordeal.

A long time ago, I was an ardent proponent of capital punishment. It seemed logical to me: take a life, lose yours. Pretty simple.

Well, life just isn't so, and the only thing more complicated than life is death.

It took me a long time to come around, but I eventually did. Well, sort of. You certainly won't see me taking to the streets with a poster of some murderer's face yelling for him/her to be freed, brick by brick. And you won't see me calling for the abolition of the death penalty either.

Maybe I should be, if it's really something I don't believe in anymore, but I guess I'm just too fat and lazy.

Well, I'm lazy.

See, I say that I've come around "sort of" because I believe that, while the death penalty is on the books, it ought to be used. I do not believe in convicted murderers languishing on death row for twenty-five years (or more) while they literally shit out appeals. As far as post-conviction relief appeal hearings, I'm a fan of the "One and Done" philosophy. Oh, can't prove your innocence after one goodhearted appeal?

Sorry. Thanks for playing.

Of course, I won't be shaking my head in despair when the death penalty, imperfect and blemished as it is, finally gets put to death itself once and for all in this country. That will be okay with me. The idea of your average, run-of-the-mill shitfuck wasting away in a prison cell for the remainder of his or her natural life is just fine. Having been inside prisons as an EMT, I can state that the idea of being in inmate in a prison for the rest of my life would make me wish for capital punishment to come quickly to me. Yeah, sometimes I think an early termination of life is too good for them.

And then the news comes on, and I can feel my mind going to the other side...

The piece of shit who put a bullet into Congresswoman Gifford's head, who slaughtered and wounded so many on that arid Tuscon day-- the man who turned a supermarket parking lot into a bloodbath. The motherfucker whose name I can't even bear to write out.

The piece of shit who ended the promising life of Lakewood, New Jersey Police Officer Christopher Matlosz. Matlosz pulled his cruiser up next to this bastard and, as they talked, the suspect pulled out a handgun, stepped back, and fired into Matlosz three times. This brave officer, dead at 27, was buried on Thursday. And all his fiancee got was his hat.

And, closer to my home, we've got the piece of shit abortion doctor. I want to throw up every time I think about him, about his filthy exam room, about the fifteen-year-old he had working for him, administering narcotics and anesthetics, about how he cut the spinal cords of viable, alive babies with a pair of scissors after they were delivered. About how he killed a mother, a poor woman, desperate for even the help of a charlatan, how he killed her through his negligence, his greed, and his ineptitude. Murderer. Ungodly, horrible, corrupt murderer.

I don't shock easily, friends, but this has been a rough couple weeks.

Why shouldn't we, as a society, kill this man? Why shouldn't we kill any of the aforementioned sonsofbitches? What are we proving by a stance of supposed morality? That we are better than them because we will gallantly spare their lives? Because we do not kill assassains or cop-killers or abortion butchers?

Well, go, us.

Where is the higher ground when we are confronted with such atrocities? And, even if we should find it, why bother to climb to its peak? Why? Who benefits from sparing such lives?

And, of course, I suppose I have to just ask myself, as I struggle with my own petty, internal grief, who benefits from taking theirs?

The Penalty Box

We 20somethings are often criticized, sometimes even on this very blog, for being self-centered, vapid, insipid, ignorant, ill-informed, and generally wankerish.

Most of the time, these criticisms are apt, appropriate, well-aimed and well-deserved.

Sorry. But, you know...

As I've admitted in the past, I sometimes go trolling through the candy-coated wasteland that is the www.20sb.net discussion board for inspiration on what to write about. The topics of conversation here, if they can be said to typify topics in which 20somethings, (at least, 20something bloggers) liberally engage are, well, shall we say, more sugary and less meaty.

"No More Pink Websites!"

"Holiday Giveaway Contest!" (Is this really worthy of a "discussion?")

"Anyone Else Hate the Stop & Chat?"

"Anyone Here on Google Wave Yet?"

"Charging For Plastic Bags"

and, easily my personal fucking favorite:

"If You All Had a Lion As Your Pet What Would You All Have Done?"

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What?

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And so, in this sometimes vacuous wasteland of inanity, I was pleased and relieved to see that, yesterday, someone decided to open up a discussion on the death penalty, in the wake of the execution of D. C. sniper John Allen Muhammad. I'm happy to follow in this person's footsteps and continue the discussion, which I think is a very worthwhile one, on my little blogiedoo, and I hope you'll join in because, of all the social dilemmae that confront us, this one is big.

Before we really get started, I want to be up front with you and let you know that, from high school through college I was a staunch death-penalty supporter. I believed that the death penalty was an appropriate punishment for someone who had the audacity to break the most basic covenant with man by taking a life-- by committing the act of murder. I believed that the enormous, detailed, lengthy appeal process that occurs every time someone is sentenced to death in this country was sufficient for any convicted murderer to exculpate him or herself from the charges if he or she were truly innocent, that, through the appeal process, the truth would out.

I still believe some of this today, but not all of it. Being somewhat older and somewhat wiser, and a teensy bit grayer, both in hair and in worldview, I know now that there exists in some cases police and prosecutorial misconduct, and I know that it is distinctly possible to sentence innocent people to death, and such an irrevocable mistake cannot really be permitted by a society that dare call itself "civilized."

But, do I still believe, in theory and in a perfect world, that it is appropriate for the state to execute a murderer?

I sure do. Strap him down. Light him up. It's Christmastime.

We don't, though, live in a perfect world. Hell, if we did, there would be no murderers at all, would there? We'd all be holding hands and singing "Movin' Right Along" from "The Great Muppet Movie" together while roasting marshmallows over an open fire until the end of time. Wearing fuzzy, pastel-colored feet-pajamas, with butt flaps. But who are we kidding?

If you had to ask me what I truly believe should happen to convicted murderers, and I'm talking 1st degree, no extenuating circumstances, no mitigating bullshit, no remose, no nothing butchers-- what should happen to them in this world? Life. Period. No 25-to-Life. No 30-to-Life. No Life-With-the-Possibility-of-Parole.

No. Life. Period.

The question is not how much it costs to incarcerate some murderous shit for the rest of his or her natural life, versus how much it costs to clutter the judicial system with their often frivolous death-row appeals and how much it costs to keep someone alive on death row, only to carry out an expensive execution in the end. I'm not terribly interested in the cost, because the cost of the original murder is far greater to the victim's family and to the fabric of society as a whole than any prison system or judicial tab after the fact. Murder, folks, is an expensive endeavor-- and the one who inevitably doesn't pay anything towards its recompense is the murderer.

People who argue against the death penalty inevitably bring up the fact that the death penalty isn't a deterrent. This argument is spouted off unendingly and tirelessly and it's time we put it to bed, right here, right now.

There is no deterrent for murder.

That's right, you heard it here first. On My Masonic Apron. You can quote me to your friends from the ACLU and the Free Mumia Movement, too-- the next time you run into them at a tea party.

If someone wants to kill somebody, they're going to. They don't stop and think about whether they're murdering somebody in a state the conducts the most executions per capita, or the fewest. They're not thinking about what the appeal process will be like, or what the likelihood will be that they'll ever see the inside of a death chamber, or a prison cell, or a courtroom, or the backseat of a police car. They're not thinking at all. And the ones who are don't give a shit anyway.

So, what are we supposed to do? Throw up our hands and say, "Well, there is nothing we can do to deter murder? So... what can you do?"

Here's the big secret about the death penalty: it isn't supposed to be a deterrent. That's why it's called "capital punishment" not "capital deterrent." Capital punishment is in place in this country because it was felt that we as a law-abiding, respectful people need to punish murder in such a way as to say that we will not stand idly by and let these abominable acts pass unnoticed and unpunished in the gravest way possible. None of our punishments in society are deterrents for any crime. People still burn houses down in spite of 15-20 year sentences in prison for arson. People still pull guns during robberies despite harsh prison terms for larcenies commited with the use of a firearm. And people will still kill each other, no matter what you do with them afterwards-- if you can catch them.

Deterrent? Who said anything about that?

I still very much believe in the death penalty as the appropriate punishment for 1st degree murder, especially with aggravating circumstances. In theory. If we can get it right. If we can't, then mandatory life imprisonment will have to do, but I think it's a piss-poor substitute, for it allows murderers the one thing they denied their victims: life. And I don't think that's fair. It's not fair to the victims' families who have to live their lives knowing that the person who slayed their loved ones get to wake up every morning, socialize with other inmates, eat three meals a day, move their bowels, brush their teeth, exercise, watch TV, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. All of these things, even the simplest, commonest among them, the dead cannot enjoy. All because these people thought another's life out there was theirs for the taking.

And some might say the very same thing about capital punishment-- that how can we as a society say that even the life of a convicted killer is ours to take, that this life too has value and worth and the potential for change, and that we dishonor ourselves in the extermination of this life.

And to that, I may just bow my head and say, "Touché."