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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I'm Gonna Be Rich, Bitch.

While I realize that My Masonic Apron will never be as popular as lolcats or Perez Hilton, I admit there are times when I entertain moderate delusions of grandeur and I think to myself,

“Apron, you old, moldy bastard—you could really make something out of this joint if you tried… expanded your horizons a little bit, took a cue, got a clue, pulled your peen out of your fly and let it sniff the air around it once in a while…”

I mean, really. If you look at some of the websites that looked like flash-in-the-pan pipe dreams but actually turned out to be hot-shit, Marie Antoinette masterpieces and moneymakers, there’s got to be some gold there for the mining, wouldn’t you say?

Take I mean, they’ve even got their own annoying ad on the right-hand side of my Facebook account, sandwiched in between the ad for gay cruises and Obama putting hot-looking moms back to work. I mean, my father is Israeli and routinely expresses the urge to fuck somebody “up against a wall.” I could OWN shitmydadsays, and yet, I don’t. What is this? A lack of ambition? A dearth of outside-the-box-ness? Is my peen not sniffing enough outside air? I don’t know. Nevertheless, whilst in bed on Sunday night unable to sleep, my goodlady wife and I got creative and collaborated on some potential websites that could earn us some big motherfuckin’ bucks. I would so be all about creating the following websites.

If I only knew me some html…


I think we’re getting to the point where the grandmothers belonging to the generation that has come after mine are techno-savvy enough to have cellphones with text/data plans. No doubt, too, at least an appreciable portion of these crinkly old padded asses are alcoholics. As such, I think a website devoted to text messages Generation Y’ers are invariably receiving from their inebriated grandmothers would be a big hit. The website would include such gems as:

“the cat 8 my polident”

“call ems. jst sharted my muu-muu”

“these reduced sodium saltines r gr8”

and, of course, for the grammaws with full QWERTY's:

“b a dear and p/u some liniment salve for ur gran at cvs”


If you think that our nation’s parole officers are a heretofore unmined source for pith and pathos, well, sister—you’re with me. Let’s ride this pony till it bleeds and begs us to stop. Shit My Parole Officer Says Dot Com would be at times dry, at other times humorous, perhaps even a glimmer of inspiration would eke its way in there, too—you never know. But one thing’s for sure: parole officers don’t take no shit, even in the shit they say to their parolees. And, once you hear a thick-necked, tattoo-armed crazy sumbitch in sunglasses and a bullet-proof vest say, “You’re absconding, motherfucker!” you’ll bookmark that shit and check it five times a day.


Sort of the same principle as midget bowling, but using jockeys instead! They’re so compact and cute and, in those ridiculous uniforms, highly visible. Just pick them up by their wedgies and toss those motherfuckers down a freshly-waxed bowling lane and you’ve got yourself a hit. Wanna spice it up? Integrate online betting. I’m talkin’ solid gold online hit. Solid. Just make sure your insurance policy has a head-injury rider.


If there’s one thing that more awesome than trashy people flipping out (COPS, The Real World, Jersey Shore, Everybody Loves Raymond), it’s rich people flipping out—especially over-privileged, loudmouth, entitled and owed rich kids. You haven’t lived till you’ve seen two assholes wearing Izod shirts with upturned collars and Sperry Topsiders engage in a screaming match on the deck of one of their father’s yachts. Ever seen a teased up, spray-tanned shiksa rage at an incompetent shopkeeper in Scarsdale? Come on—you know you love that shit.


This is sort of inspired by the surgery channel, and it’s sort of inspired by the fact that I love medical oddities, and one of the first places I took my wife on a date was the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia, which is devoted to that selfsame topic. There would be images and live webcam videos of surgeons on crack attaching feet to patients’ heads and surgically attaching Hitler moustaches to patients’ eyelids. And they’d, like, snort coke off their patients’ asses and the nurses tits and stuff. You’d, um, need to be… 18 to, uh, see it. I guess.


It’s pretty much what it sounds like it is. Two pictures of celebrities who sort of look alike, and you have to vote on which one you think is, or should be gay. Like, we’d have a picture of Don King next to a picture of Larry Fine, and you’d have to say which one’s gay. The one with the most votes is, obviously, gay.


The purpose of this particular website is a tad more, shall we say, “confessional” than some of the other sites listed here. It’s for people who have, inadvertently, humped a nun in the course of daily life. I mean, hey—it happens. You thought she was just a dowdy-looking regular woman, and you humped her butt and stuff, and that was cool, but it turned out that she was a nun, and then you feel bad about it. So you come to this website and tell your story. And we laugh at you.


Hey, you’ve always wondered, right? Well, at this website, created by the founder and executive moron of My Masonic Apron, is the place where you can finally get your voyeuristic, Back to the Future-like answer. Hop on into our virtual Delorean and travel back in time to 1948, when your middle school assistant-principal was sixteen or whatever. We’ve got yearbook and family photos of over 454,000 public, private, and parochial middle school assistant-principals that will finally answer the age-old question, “Was my middle school assistant-principal a hottie?” Sure, she’s gnarled and leathery and twisted up like a fucking pretzel now, but she might have had paperweight tits and a big rock candy mountain ass back in the day. Can you imagine—nutting off to grainy Kodaks of Mrs. Arpelschtein? Oh, yes. You can.


You know those websites that show you what you’d look like as a cartoon? Well, now there’s a website that shows you what you’d look like as an African-American, an Asian, an Indian (either kind), a Canadian, or a Yanomamo tribe member. Wanna see what kind of ass you’d have if you were a black chick? Just upload a picture of your caboose and set loose!

Shake dat azz and make your Apron some money, bitch!


  1. That many people have humped nuns? I went to Catholic school from Pre-school to 9th grade and even my little girl self knew they weren't bumpable or humpable. *Shudder*

  2. Oh my God I have to take Scrubs to the Mutter Museum as soon as possible! He would really get a kick out of that. At the moment he's working in the colorectal surgery (the sexiest kind) section and was very excited because he got to scrub in today.

    Hopefully though he'll never be on your website. I've heard enough about dodgy medical practices without them also being on crack...


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