Well Take Me to Abu-Dhabi and Buy Me Jimmy Choos: It's... DEAR APRON!

If you ever wake up on a Friday morning with an incessant desire to sing the praises of the human condition, I promise you, my sweet, we'll fix that right up with an acerbic dose of the cure fer what ails 'ya:

DEAR APRON:

My parents told me that a member of their congregation carries a licensed gun when he's in church. He is not a law enforcement officer or a private security guard, but keeps the gun on him "for protection." When I asked what the pastor has to say about this, I was told, "He doesn't know or can't do anything about it."

I suggested that Mom and Dad speak to the congregation board of directors because they are legally and financially responsible for the church. They refused even though they are not happy about this gun issue.

My parents have a long history of complaining about things but doing nothing to resolve them. I feel that if someone needs to carry a gun at all times, I don't want to be in his presence. If he's the target of an assassination, the killer might shoot the wrong person. I will not set foot in the church as long as that man is there.

I'm not sure what bothers me more -- that this man is packing heat or that my parents have valid concerns and won't speak out. What do you think? -- GUN-SHY IN N.Y.C.

DEAR GUN-SHY:

Hon-bun, after receiving your letter, I had my Dear Apron interns whom I have chained up in my basement do a little checking around on this story of yours, and it turns out that your parents are parishioners at the Church of Jesus Gun-Toting Christ and Saints Smith & Wesson. What the hell did you expect-- members of this church to come in on Sundays with just their dicks in their hand?

Come on.

I highly doubt that this pistol-packing Christ-lover is the intended victim of some assassination plot. I think you've been watching too much "Bourne Identity." More likely he's there to shoot an abortion doctor.

Also, you're writing from New York City. Would YOU go to church-- or anywhere, for that matter-- in New York City unarmed?

I think your real problem is your Mom & Dad's lack of assertiveness; and I think you should pop a cap in their asses.

DEAR APRON:

My husband thinks it's hilarious to sneak up and scare the daylights out of me. I have told him repeatedly that I don't think it's funny and it triggers anxiety attacks, but he won't listen. I enjoy his playful personality, but the startling has to stop. Any suggestions? -- NOT LAUGHING IN GREENVILLE, N.C.

DEAR NOT LAUGHING:

BOO!

DEAR APRON:

I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq. My unit's mission has ended, but we must remain here for the next two months with no real mission to occupy our time. Because of this, I -- along with other soldiers -- spend free time in the gym.

Recently, a female American civilian contractor has started working out at the same time I do. She's gorgeous and wears skimpy, provocative clothing while working out. Because I have not seen a female in civilian clothes for many months, I find it hard not to stare.

Is it wrong for me to stare? Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable? -- CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT IN IRAQ

DEAR CRUEL:

Staring is only wrong if you are caught. Come on, didn't they teach you that in Basic?

I love your next question, too: "Should I confront her and tell her that her clothing distracts me from my workout and makes me feel uncomfortable?" I'm sorry, and I know about the whole don't-ask-don't-tell thing but, really: are you gay?

"Excuse me, ma'am, but I wish to register a complaint about your skin-tight white tank-top beneath which your two succulent nipples protrude like two peanut M&Ms and those soffe shorts onto which the word "PRINCESS" is emblazoned across your firm, taut buttocks like the "HOLLYWOOD" sign. Your manner of dress and your sexcellent body are very distracting and make me feel uncomfortable. In my pants."

I have a pretty revolutionary idea: instead of going up to her to complain, why don't you go up to her and thank her? Or, maybe take it one step further and ask if she wants to have sex in the equipment closet? You know-- support the troops and salute the flag and all that bullshit.

Your hottentots sake me uncomfortable... Jesus Christ. No wonder we're losing the war.

DEAR APRON:

I'm working on a school project with several other girls, but I have an issue with one of them. "Sara" wanted to write the paper for our project, which is a huge part of our grade. Once she started writing it, we all realized she wasn't very good at it. I felt I could do a better job, and asked if I could do it instead -- or help critique and edit it. Sara refuses.

I don't want to start a fight or anything, but this is a large part of my grade, and the project is being entered in a contest that I really want to win. Is there a way I can get her to let me help, or should I just let it go? -- REALLY WANTS TO WIN IN OHIO

DEAR REALLY WANTS TO WIN:

Hm, honestly, I'm not too sure that you would do such a better job than Sara. I mean, if we hold a mirror up to you and look at it critically, you are not a terribly talented writer. From the letter that you have sent me, I am just not sure that your perception of your talents are exactly on par with reality.

Let's face it, your letter was uninsipred, insipid and, frankly, filled with enough whine to intoxicate Meredith Vieira. Maybe Sara really is the better choice to write this paper. Of course, I've never seen either of you in a pair of soffes and a tank-top, so it's really kind of difficult for me to guage.