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Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm So Fucking Green

Look at me.

I'm green!

I drive a Prius, and an Insight, at the same time! On the weekends, I drive a bio-diesel 1982 Mercedes 300D wagon that runs off the waste-grease from McDonald's deep fat fryer and Mario Lopez's hair.

I recycle and freecycle and I'm limiting my carbon footprint and I'm buying carbon offsets and carbon credits and they may even be the same thing but I'm buying them nonetheless.

Yeah. That's funny.

Environment, I'm just not that into you.

I try. Really, I do. But I'm not crazy about it. I recycle at home, because have recycling and it gets picked up regularly. I don't do it at work because we don't have recyclying at work.

*Gasp!*

My wife and I drive 4 cylinder cars, not because they're super-economical (her PT Cruiser's gas mileage is deplorable for such an underpowered car-- thanks Chrysler! That's why you're dead now) but because 4 cylinder cars are really all that 99% of the population requires, if you're really honest with yourself. The only people who need fast cars are the police, the people they chase on FOX, and those fucking rednecks.

I wish I could tell you that I wear the same pair of pants for a week straight because I'm trying to cut down on the number of times we do laundry, but I can't lie to you. Not twice in one week anyway.

No matter how hard I try to get jazzed up about the environment, I'm always turned off by the segment of the population that makes the envirnoment their life.

These people are fucking annoying.

Seriously, they're a real turn-off. When I hear the word "environmentalist," I think of her. And that's not terribly appealing to me.

Why can't enviornmentalists look like her?

I mean, that's a little better.

I think what really turns me off about environmentalism is that so much of it is so self-righteous, so Western, so in-your-face. We white folk love to pretend that we fathered caring for the earth one day in the 1960s at a folk-music concert. We think we invented recyclying, but we didn't. Homeless people have been doing it since there were homeless people.

We also think we invented carpooling. We didn't. After visiting Bali, I realized that other people have been doing it forever. Sure, their cars belch diesel fumes up to high heaven and they sure don't have HOV lanes, but they're doing it their way.

It makes us feel better to call other countries "uncivilized" or "developing" or "third world" but, really, most of the time, we're the ones with our heads up our asses. Yes, China's landscape is choked with smoke, as every nasal NPR reporter who did a story about the Olympics there whined, but shouldn't their obsessive bicycle use be lauded? To get someone to actually commute on a bicycle in America you have to come repo their fucking Buick. Yes, the Middle East is full of gun-toting assassins who hate us for our decadent ways and want to annihilate us instantaneously-- but shouldn't we at least acknowledge them for their green modes of transportation?

I think so. Good job, guys.

Mother Earth loves you bitches, too.

3 comments:

  1. my wife and I are pretty much vigilant about the environment and our impact on it...I would stop short of calling us environmentalists....but even so I think we are pretty damn sexy Mr. Apron!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. "but even so I think we are pretty damn sexy"

    Adam, that's a statement that even a perpetually disagreeable old fuck like me couldn't disagree with.

    ReplyDelete

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